135+ Hilarious Alcohol Quotes That’ll Make You Spit Out Your Drink

Humans have been drinking alcohol for thousands of years—that’s plenty of time to come up with some funny quotes about boozing it up! We’re serving up a list of witty quotes and sayings about all things alcohol, from getting drunk to being hungover and everything in between. Keep scrolling to find the perfect quote for your next happy hour, Insta caption, or silly t-shirt. Cheers! 🍻

Our Favorite Alcohol Humor Quotes

Rubbing alcohol treats outside wounds. Drinking alcohol treats inside wounds.
And I drink to myself, what a wonderful world…
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
Give me coffee for the things I can change, and tequila for the things I can’t.
I wonder if there’s a beer somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says to love your enemy.” —Frank Sinatra

Section 1 of 12:

Wise Words about Drinking

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These funny sayings offer more boozey wisdom than “drink responsibly.” If you’re in search of a witty quip that reflects all you’ve learned from your years of drinking experience, look no further. These wise words show that this evening’s happy hour isn’t your first rodeo:
- When life gives you lemons, grab tequila and salt.
- Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When life is tough, a beer is a must.
- Alcohol: For when you want to run from your problems without actually moving.
- Alcohol may not be the answer, but it sure helps you forget the question.
- Rubbing alcohol treats outside wounds. Drinking alcohol treats inside wounds.
- Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you need. Better to be safe than sober!
- They say money can’t buy you happiness, but I’ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
- In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power, and in water there is bacteria.
- You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.
- Occasionally, you will meet people that make your life better. Those people are called bartenders.
- “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” —Ernest Hemingway
- “Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald
- “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” —Homer Simpson

Section 2 of 12:

Funny Quotes about Alcohol

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Crack up while you crack open a cold one with these hilarious quotes. Need a cheers-worthy saying to kick off the night? These silly quotes about the joys of alcohol are sure to start the party right:
- Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop.
- Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with somebody eating a salad.
- Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
  Me: “I’m too drunk, you get in the car.”
- Tonight I will be having my favorite drink. It is called “a lot.”
- I said no to alcohol, but it just doesn’t listen.
- My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people.
- May the only pain you ever feel be Champagne bubbles.
- Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I’m not in a hurry.
- Don’t drink to forget me. You’ll end up seeing double.
- Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working, then drink before work.
- Why limit “happy” to an hour?
- And I drink to myself, what a wonderful world…

Section 3 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Wine

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If you love adult grape juice, you’ll love these witty wine quotes. It’s wine o’clock somewhere! These sayings about drinking wine pair excellently with cork popping, decanter swishing, and pretending to know what the sommelier is talking about when they use the word “tannins.”
- Someone please call 9-wine-wine.
- Save water, drink wine.
- Wine flies when you’re having fun.
- There's no need to cry over spilled milk. It could've been wine.
- Wine gets better wth age. I get better with wine.
- Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.
- I drink wine because my doctor says I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.
- If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton; this way, my friends will know I am missing.
- “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” —Rumi
- “I cook with wine. Sometimes, I even add it to the food!” —W.C. Fields

Section 4 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Beer

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These beer quotes are just plain brew-tiful. Whether you’re clinking steins after work or hosting your very own Beer Olympics, you’re going to need a clever quip to celebrate your love of liquid bread. We humbly recommend one of the following:
- I don’t even believe myself when I say “only one beer.”
- I wonder if there’s a beer somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
- Hoppy hour is my favorite time of the day.
- Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.
- Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
- Beer doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you need to drink lots of it.
- How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- Beer is made of hops. Hops is a plant. Beer = Salad.
- “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” —Kinky Friedman
- “He was a wise man who invented beer.” —Plato

Section 5 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Liquor

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These quotes about liquor will get you in the spirits (pun intended). Ah, liquor—it always sounds like a great idea until the morning after! Whether you drink it on the rocks, take shots, or love a heavy-handed pour in your cocktail, these quotes will help you chase it down. Give one of these a shot (pun still intended):
- I doubt vodka is the answer, but it’s worth a shot.
- Life rule: Vodka mixes well with everything except decisions.
- Give me coffee for the things I can change, and tequila for the things I can’t.
- Today’s soup: Whiskey with ice croutons.
- Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.
- Nothing in life is absolute—only vodka.
- It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty. There is clearly more room for vodka.
- My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
- “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ―Ogden Nash
- “What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.” —Irish Proverb

Section 6 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Cocktails

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There’s always time for a cocktail! If you love margs on a hot day or prefer your martinis shaken (not stirred), then it’s only right that you have a go-to quote about the joys of mixed drinks. Take a sip of one of these boozy expressions to wet your whistle:
- Espresso martini: Because sometimes adulthood is going out at 9pm but being back by midnight.
- I'm on the gin and tonic diet. So far I've lost two days!
- It’s beginning to look a lot like cocktails.
- Shake it 'til you make it!
- My idea of a balanced diet is a cocktail in each hand.
- Every hour is happy hour when cocktails are involved.
- “No amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well-made cocktail.” —David Sedaris
- “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.” —Rodney Dangerfield
- “One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.” —James Thurber
- “Hear no evil, speak no evil, and you won’t be invited to cocktail parties.” —Oscar Wilde

Section 7 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Being Drunk

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Share a quote about the fun and shenanigans of imbibing a little extra. Most of us have accidentally crossed the line from tipsy and put together to drunk and a little messy—oops! Laugh it off with one of these relatable sayings about being three sheets to the wind:
- Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean…against tables, chairs, walls, and floors.
- If you can’t be happy, at least you can be drunk!
- If girls always treated each other like we do when we’re drunk in the girls’ bathroom, the world would be a happier place.
- What happens tonight might not be remembered tomorrow, but photos last forever!
- The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
- I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
- If smokers can have smoking breaks, why can’t I have drinking breaks?
- Drinking responsibly means not spilling it.
- This alcohol tastes like I’ll be texting you later.
- Believe in second chances. If the first drink doesn’t get you drunk, the second will.
- “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” —Dean Martin
- “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” ―George F. Burns

Section 8 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Hangovers

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These quotes are almost as helpful as the hair of the dog that bit you. If you had one (or a few) too many last night, never fear—these funny thoughts will help you recover from your hangover! (Well, you might also need an ibuprofen and an electrolyte packet.)
- You call it a hangover, I call it the wine flu.
- The best thing about a hangover is it was worth it.
- If you do not remember, it never happened.
- The hangover only lasts a day, but the memories last a lifetime.
- Hangovers: When you open your eyes and realize it wasn’t a nightmare.
- Regrets? I've had a few, mostly named vodka and tequila.
- What doesn’t kill us gives us a hangover.
- No one looks back on their life and remembers the night they got plenty of sleep.
- “Happiness is waking up without a hangover.” —Robert Black^{[1]
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- “Don't trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.” —Jimmy Breslin

Section 9 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Drinking Problems

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These quotes poke fun at the lighter side of drinking too much. Disclaimer: Alcoholism isn’t a laughing matter, and we don’t recommend trying to joke about a serious problem around someone who’s struggling. But if you enjoy self-deprecating jokes, dark humor, or characterizing yourself as “the fun aunt who always has a gin and tonic in hand” of your friend group, then you may enjoy these quips about drinking problems:
- I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, and I already have one.
- I used to think drinking was bad for me…so I gave up thinking.
- You say alcoholism, I say “liver CrossFit.”
- I'm not an alcoholic. I only drink twice a year: Once on my birthday and once not on my birthday.
- My boss didn’t know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.
- I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
- Drinking every night makes you an alcoholic, so drink during the day.
- “I don’t have a drinking problem ‘cept when I can’t get a drink.” ―Tom Waits
- “Scientists have announced they have located the gene for alcoholism. They say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.” —Conan O’Brien
- “An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.” —Dylan Thomas^{[2]
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Section 10 of 12:

Witty Quotes about Alcohol for Social Media

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Choose something snappy and attention-getting for a boozey Insta post. Not sure what to caption your group “cheers”-ing pic from brunch? We’ve got you covered. Check out these clever and trendy captions for your next Insta post, TikTok, or reel:
- Sip happens, but wine helps.
- Just brew it.
- You're brew-tiful, let's drink.
- You had me at merlot.
- It's wine o'clock somewhere.
- Let's raise a toast to the coast.
- I'm not drunk, I'm just grape at puns.
- Wine a little, laugh a lot.
- Tequila: liquid courage in a shot glass.
- You're whiskey me away.
- I'm on cloud wine.
- Rumming on empty.
- Let's make pour decisions together.
- Stressed, blessed, and wine-obsessed.
- Let's taco 'bout margaritas.

Section 11 of 12:

Celebrity Quotes about Alcohol

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Everyone has something witty to say about booze—even famous people. If you can’t come up with your own funny alcohol quote, borrow one from a celebrity! These stars, writers, and public figures have had their share of sips and chugs and philosophized them into these awesome (and hilarious) quotes:
- “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says to love your enemy.” —Frank Sinatra
- “Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.” —Steve Martin
- “I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” —Joe E. Ellis
- “The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” —Humphrey Bogart
- “There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.” —Bette Davis
- “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” —Oscar Wilde
- “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” —Henry Youngman
- “I only drink Champagne on two occasions: When I am in love, and when I am not.” —Coco Chanel
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.” —Ernest Hemingway
- “A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.” —Louis Pasteur

Section 12 of 12:

Short Alcohol Quotes for Shirts & Signs

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These short and sweet quotes are great for displaying on signs and shirts. Let your love of drinking shine with a funny sign or t-shirt about your favorite pastime. These quotes are short and easy to read at a glance—perfect for stenciling onto your next project (or for when you’ve had one too many and words are hard!).
- My guardian angel drinks.
- Cheers to pour decisions.
- “I work until beer o’clock.” —Stephen King
- I have mixed drinks about my feelings.
- Wine is the best therapy.
- Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
- Less thinky, more drinky.
- Wish you were beer.
- Born to booze.
- Warning: May contain alcohol.
- Alcohol you later!
- “Trust me, you can dance.” —Alcohol
- I swear to Drunk, I’m not God!
- A party without alcohol is just a meeting.
- Save the Earth. It’s the only planet with beer.