80 Funny History Jokes for Kids & Adults

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Clever jokes about American and ancient history

Co-authored by Raven Minyard, BA

Last Updated: September 16, 2025 Fact Checked

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Funny

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For Kids

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American History

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Ancient History

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Whether you’re a history teacher, a history major, or simply a history buff, there are plenty of history jokes that will appeal to your nerdy side. In this article, we’ve gathered some of the funniest history jokes for kids and adults alike, including general jokes and jokes about American and ancient history. Keep reading to make yourself laugh out loud!

The Best Jokes About History

What do you call a Medieval spy? Sir Veillance.
Why was WWII so slow? Because they were Stalin.
What’s the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece? Troy Story.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Where did Montezuma go to college? Az Tech.

Section 1 of 4:

Funny History Jokes

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Make your fellow history buffs laugh with a hilarious joke. History jokes can be a little nerdy, but they’re a ton of fun! No matter what era of history you’re interested in, there are a bunch of hilarious jokes to choose from. Here are some of our favorites:
- Why does history keep repeating itself? Because we weren’t listening the first time.
- What do you call a Medieval spy? Sir Veillance.
- Why didn’t Isaac Newton dodge the apple? He didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
- What did the Terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the Renaissance? I’ll be Bach.
- What is the name of a severely injured historical figure? Napoleon Bone-Apart.
- What was Camelot famous for? Its knight life.
- Why didn’t the Crusades happen overseas? Because you can’t sail a holey ship.
- Can you conquer the largest continent on Earth? No, but Genghis Khan.
- Why did Napoleon conquer so much land? Because he didn’t have much Toulouse.
- Why did the Cold War end? Global warming started.
- How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles? Baroque.
- Why was WWI so quick? Because they were Russian.
- Why was WWII so slow? Because they were Stalin.
- Why is England the wettest country? Because the Royal Family is always reigning.
- Why was the Russian city renamed Stalingrad? Because Joseph Stalin finished college.
- Why did Karl Marx dislike drinking Earl Grey with his breakfast? Because proper tea is theft.
- Why is every American allowed to wear short sleeves to work? Because the 2nd Amendment gives them the right to bare arms.
- Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons? Because they didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.
- Why should you never major in history? There’s no future in it.
- What do you call an old joke that doesn’t get a laugh? Prehysterical.

Section 2 of 4:

History Jokes for Kids

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Entertain kids with fun and educational history jokes. Whether you’re a history teacher or just looking to entertain some kids, history jokes are both fun and educational. Just make sure the kids you’re telling the joke to have learned about that part of history or they might not understand it! Here are some examples:
- What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? The same middle name.
- What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek? Marco Polo.
- What’s the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece? Troy Story.^{[1]
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- Why did Columbus cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.
- What is a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hisssstory.
- Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.
- Which monument always gossips about other monuments? The Statue of Liber-tea.
- Why is history like a fruit cake? It’s full of dates.
- How are the first Americans like ants? They both live in colonies.
- What’s an Ancient Egyptian’s favorite restaurant? Pizza Tut.^{[2]
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- Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8th.
- Why was the king only a foot tall? Because he was a ruler.
- When was the last time Abraham Lincoln cried? Four score and seven tears ago.
- What did the pharaoh say when he saw the pyramid? Mummy’s home!
- Where did General Patton keep his armies? In his sleevies.
- What do you get when you cross a fancy, patriotic American with a curly-haired dog? A Yankee Poodle Dandy.
- Who can jump higher than the Statue of Liberty? Anyone. Statues can’t jump.
- Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt? Because his career was in ruins.
- Why did ancient Egyptians wear makeup? To look better than their mummies.
- Why did the archaeologist become a comedian? Because he loved digging up old jokes.

Section 3 of 4:

American History Jokes

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Show off your American history knowledge and your sense of humor. Let’s face it—other countries love to make fun of America, so why not get in on the fun yourself? Whether you’re interested in the colonial period, the Civil War, or any other time frame, here are some of our favorite jokes from all eras of American history:
- How do you get Americans to join a World War? Tell them it’s nearly finished.
- What is Abraham Lincoln’s least favorite phone box? John Wilkes Booth.
- What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
- What did they do at the Boston Tea Party? I don’t know. I wasn’t invited!
- Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? Laughayette.
- Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
- What did King George think of the American colonies? He thought they were revolting.
- Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? Because he couldn’t lie.
- How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity? Shocked.
- What was the most popular dance in 1776? Indepen-dance.
- How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America? 3 galleons.
- What did Mason say to Dixon? We’ve got to draw the line here.
- What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
- Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up, too!
- What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock.
- Do you guys like Civil War jokes? Because General-Lee I don’t find them funny.
- What was General Washington’s army’s favorite food during the Revolutionary War? Chicken Catch-a-Tory.
- What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War? The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
- Which colonists told the most dad jokes? Punsylvanians.
- What was the quickest way to Alexander Hamilton’s heart? A duel with pistols.

Section 4 of 4:

Ancient History Jokes

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Dig up some hilarious jokes about the ancient world. Whether you’re interested in the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, Aztecs, or any other culture, there are plenty of hilarious jokes about ancient history. Some of these jokes only require a basic knowledge of history to understand, while a few are a bit more complex. Here are some of our favorites:
- Why are there pyramids in Egypt? They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
- A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
- Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was the Copper Age. Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves.
- How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Step one: become an oracle. Step two: prophet.
- How do you contact the Roman Empire? Pick up a phone and column.
- What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa? A rockstar.
- Where did Montezuma go to college? Az Tech.
- Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons? He wanted to Mark Antony.
- Which Pharaoh played the trumpet? Tooting-khamun.^{[3]
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- What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks? What a load of Istanbull.
- How did the Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code.
- What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire? A Byz-nessman.
- Which famous Roman suffered from hay fever? Julius Sneezer.
- Where do young Vikings hang out? In the Norsery.
- What was the fruit that launched a thousand ships? Melon of Troy.^{[4]
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- My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History. The teachers tended to Babylon.
- How did brave Ancient Egyptians write? With hero-glyphics.^{[5]
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- Why do historians think our modern society is so chaotic? Because it all started in Mess-opotamia.
- What do you call a Mayan snake god tied in a knot? Pretzel-coatl.