What's it like being in a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment?
My partner and I have started to take our relationship a bit more seriously recently and it's been going well. Recently, my partner's therapist told them that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked if I noticed any of the traits. This honestly was the first time I've heard of it at all, so I wasn't sure. Is it good? Bad? What should I be looking out for in our relationship?
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I know it might be too late, but wanted to add to this post!
With an avoidant, if you become overly focused on how they make you feel, that is the first flag. It is important to keep the focus on prioritizing your own inner signals of insecurity from within and this reflection can go a long way to put you in a more secure relationship with yourself. With an avoidant pattern coming up in your relationship, it might seem more important to look first at your partners behaviors. These might include dismissing the depth or importance of the connection with you, overly relying on sexual contact rather than emotional connection, not communicating, repeatedly missing dates, or devaluing the commitment level needed to move forward.
First, start with your own self-reflection. This is not to cast blame or shame about what you need, but actually you may need to confront some emotions that may be scaring you away from honoring your own needs for emotional connection. This is called shame, and it is usually what anxious and secure people fall into when they are with an avoidant individual.
This happens because you may not feel clear or self-assured about what you need emotionally or socially. This inner conflict may cause you to feel too ashamed to ask for more intimacy or connection, or end it if your needs are not being met.
Regardless of the type of insecurity you may feel, it is equally important to focus on your own feelings, emotions, and needs in response to your partner's avoidant behavior.
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With an avoidant, if you become overly focused on how they make you feel, that is the first flag. It is important to keep the focus on prioritizing your own inner signals of insecurity from within and this reflection can go a long way to put you in a more secure relationship with yourself. With an avoidant pattern coming up in your relationship, it might seem more important to look first at your partners behaviors. These might include dismissing the depth or importance of the connection with you, overly relying on sexual contact rather than emotional connection, not communicating, repeatedly missing dates, or devaluing the commitment level needed to move forward.
First, start with your own self-reflection. This is not to cast blame or shame about what you need, but actually you may need to confront some emotions that may be scaring you away from honoring your own needs for emotional connection. This is called shame, and it is usually what anxious and secure people fall into when they are with an avoidant individual.
This happens because you may not feel clear or self-assured about what you need emotionally or socially. This inner conflict may cause you to feel too ashamed to ask for more intimacy or connection, or end it if your needs are not being met.
Regardless of the type of insecurity you may feel, it is equally important to focus on your own feelings, emotions, and needs in response to your partner's avoidant behavior.
It's a bit of a nightmare to be with an avoidant. My 9 yr gf just walked out after what I considered to be a wonderful relationship. No explanation, just said we were nothing but a hook up and left. She was unemotional, like a robot. Stay away from these people.
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My 6 yr gf did
The same. I had tried
Over the 6 Years to get her to therapy but she never would go. Now she will do the same to her next bf. I literally feel sorry for the guy.
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The same. I had tried
Over the 6 Years to get her to therapy but she never would go. Now she will do the same to her next bf. I literally feel sorry for the guy.
People with an avoidant attachment style are trying to minimize their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. So they are not really all that dialed in to understand emotions. And a lot of this, of course, comes from the modeling they got from how they were raised, so it's not really something that they did on purpose. It's kind of what they saw their parents doing, and so they thought that's probably what they should do as well.
When you have a fearful avoidant style, their thoughts may be "I'm not capable," "Others aren't dependable," and "The world is a hazardous place." So people can struggle to know where to go to get support when they need it.
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When you have a fearful avoidant style, their thoughts may be "I'm not capable," "Others aren't dependable," and "The world is a hazardous place." So people can struggle to know where to go to get support when they need it.
My experience with people who have an avoidant attachment style has not been great. The guy I dated would skirt around any difficult conversations and felt emotionally distant. I broke it off pretty quickly
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Avoidant people are often afraid and don’t know how to deal with certain situations, so their coping strategy is to avoid the situations or conflict.
There's a lot of labeling in relationships—narcissism, attachment styles, avoidant, anxious. It's a way of putting people in boxes. But I believe we're all some of these things at different times. You could be anxious one day and avoidant another. With your partner's diagnosis, know that they'll likely gravitate towards avoiding hard conversations or challenging situations, and you might need to put in extra work encouraging them to face their fears.
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There's a lot of labeling in relationships—narcissism, attachment styles, avoidant, anxious. It's a way of putting people in boxes. But I believe we're all some of these things at different times. You could be anxious one day and avoidant another. With your partner's diagnosis, know that they'll likely gravitate towards avoiding hard conversations or challenging situations, and you might need to put in extra work encouraging them to face their fears.
People with an avoidant attachment style may be very independent, feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and have trouble communicating about feelings and being vulnerable.
To best support your partner, show them compassion and understanding, and give them space when they need it. Encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself, and validating their feelings when they do share them.
Don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure your own needs are being met. It can help to learn more about your own attachment style, too. If you're not sure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz.
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To best support your partner, show them compassion and understanding, and give them space when they need it. Encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself, and validating their feelings when they do share them.
Don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure your own needs are being met. It can help to learn more about your own attachment style, too. If you're not sure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz.
I think it can suck to be in a relationship with someone who's avoidant if you're not also avoidant. This happened to me and I felt like I was giving more of myself to the relationship than my partner was. It didn't feel good to open up and be so vulnerable around him and then not get the same depth of intimacy in return. He was slow to warm up to me and even though we did eventually get close, it always felt like he was holding back parts of himself from me.
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Sometimes people with avoidant attachment styles can have trouble with emotional intimacy because they're not used to their emotional needs being reliably met. My ex had an avoidant attachment style and it made him staunchly independent. It was hard for him to reach out to me for help. It was frustrating to see him struggle and refuse my support.
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I have a relationship of over 20 years, I have secure attachment style and he an avoidant. The first years it was wonderful because it looks like he was doing everything to make me happy and never talking about what bothered him (all tose years). Recent years were tough for me (I had a traumatic life changing event). I had asked him to go to therapy and he has opened to talk about his past trauma (neglect and abandonment as a child). His therapist tells him he’s ok. It is very frustrating to me to not been able to communicate my needs. In the past I held my own but as I needed emotional support, he doesn’t know how and tells me to go to a therapist.
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My girlfriend has an avoidant attachment style and the way it manifests in her is people pleasing tendencies. Her attachment style makes her afraid of abandonment so when we first started dating she was always trying to say and do what she thought I wanted her to say or do. It took a lot of reassurance for her to understand that I loved her for who she was, not what she could do for me.
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i was with my partner 32 years, 24 married, i left several times before marriage , just couldn't get why she did what she did and why i lost myself and became so codependent (anxious) no or little affection and intimacy with terrible spending habits (debt) i was overdrawn for 20 years i always supplied the money for holidays and wedding and provided funds when our children were born so she could have extra time off. she loved me in her own way but it left me feeling used and dispensed with. i left immediately after being told that she wanted to split . my mental health was terrible. slowly on the mend now.
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My partner has an avoidant attachment style, and I have an anxious one. Sometimes I feel like I can accept him, but many times I feel scared and wonder, "Why do I have to go through this?" Lately, some comments I've read made me even more worried. Is it really that bad, even if he has many other good qualities?
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