What does self-sabotage in relationships look like?
I recently ended a year-long relationship with my girlfriend, and it was pretty messy. I love her, I just feel like ultimately aren't compatible enough, and it seemed like the right thing to do for both of us. But even though I tried to explain this, she insists that I was "self-sabotaging," and I haven't been able to shake that. I do freak out a little when it comes to committment, but I'm not really sure that's self-sabotaging, because I just might not be ready to settle down. What does actual self-sabotaging in relationships look like? How do I know if I was self-sabotaging, or if the relationship really needed to end?
View hidden comment
wikiHow forums are moderated for quality. Learn more about our moderation policy here.
Submit Answer
Self-sabotage in a healthy relationship looks like destroying it based on fear of getting hurt. So the first thing I’d recommend is to understand the part of you that is scared. What happened in your past relationships that caused you to feel hurt? Can you look at what your current partner is doing that feels different than your last relationship? It’s remembering we don’t want our past to bleed and infect our current relationships if there is something good here. So it’s teasing our own hurts/fears from the reality of a good and healthy relationship. A good psychotherapist can help you.
I am a licensed clinical social worker providing general information for educational purposes only. I am not liable for any decisions made or actions taken based on the information provided.
View hidden comment
I am a licensed clinical social worker providing general information for educational purposes only. I am not liable for any decisions made or actions taken based on the information provided.
Self-sabotage looks like making decisions from a place of fear instead of taking the time to connect to your own inner guidance and then deciding from there.
We all have these stories and false narratives that run underneath our consciousness, and we operate from (sometimes harmful) patterns based on that narrative. If we are not actively and consciously looking for these, we often live in our patterns, which can look like a loop.
Having the mindset that you need to get somewhere, be in a certain relationship, or achieve a goal before you can do what you truly feel passionate about or feel like you "deserve" happiness definitely holds people back. Believing that you are at the mercy of the world, of others, of life also holds people back.
View hidden comment
We all have these stories and false narratives that run underneath our consciousness, and we operate from (sometimes harmful) patterns based on that narrative. If we are not actively and consciously looking for these, we often live in our patterns, which can look like a loop.
Having the mindset that you need to get somewhere, be in a certain relationship, or achieve a goal before you can do what you truly feel passionate about or feel like you "deserve" happiness definitely holds people back. Believing that you are at the mercy of the world, of others, of life also holds people back.
To me, self-sabotage is being a victim and blaming the other person for your issues. It’s assuming someone else is responsible for taking care of your needs or communicating a certain way. That sabotages the relationship.
This looks like instead of articulating your needs, speaking up, and communicating respectfully, putting pressure on the other person to solve your problems for you.
View hidden comment
This looks like instead of articulating your needs, speaking up, and communicating respectfully, putting pressure on the other person to solve your problems for you.
Self-sabotage in relationships can manifest in many ways, often rooted in the vulnerability that comes with opening ourselves up to another person. Whether it’s an intimate partnership, a friendship, or a professional collaboration, self-sabotage often begins with the subtle but powerful voice in our heads that whispers doubts and fears.
At the start, a relationship may feel exciting and positive, but lingering fears of things going wrong can plant seeds of overthinking. This can lead to imagining worst-case scenarios, mistrusting without reason, or searching for signs of unfair treatment. In some cases, our mind/body is telling us something is wrong and that the relationship has red flags. I’m not saying don’t listen to your inner thoughts, but you want to make sure that they are not overconsuming the relationship without cause.
Pay attention to things that don’t feel right, but also you have to be open and allow yourself to be vulnerable for what is. Usually, our intuition is correct, however, our past experiences, insecurities, previously being hurt, or trauma frequently fuels these patterns. They cause us to push others away, set unrealistic expectations, or overanalyze every interaction. Once these behaviors take hold, it’s easy to spiral into negativity, creating strain and conflict. Breaking this cycle begins with recognizing it.
Open communication, building trust despite vulnerability, and engaging in individual or couples therapy can help address fears and past wounds. By focusing on self-awareness and proactive effort, it is possible to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
View hidden comment
At the start, a relationship may feel exciting and positive, but lingering fears of things going wrong can plant seeds of overthinking. This can lead to imagining worst-case scenarios, mistrusting without reason, or searching for signs of unfair treatment. In some cases, our mind/body is telling us something is wrong and that the relationship has red flags. I’m not saying don’t listen to your inner thoughts, but you want to make sure that they are not overconsuming the relationship without cause.
Pay attention to things that don’t feel right, but also you have to be open and allow yourself to be vulnerable for what is. Usually, our intuition is correct, however, our past experiences, insecurities, previously being hurt, or trauma frequently fuels these patterns. They cause us to push others away, set unrealistic expectations, or overanalyze every interaction. Once these behaviors take hold, it’s easy to spiral into negativity, creating strain and conflict. Breaking this cycle begins with recognizing it.
Open communication, building trust despite vulnerability, and engaging in individual or couples therapy can help address fears and past wounds. By focusing on self-awareness and proactive effort, it is possible to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Hey, first off I'm really sorry about your break up. I hope that you're doing what you need to take care of yourself and move on. It can be easy to get wrapped up in wondering if there was anything you could've done differently or if the relationship really needed to end.
What helped me identify if my behaviors were self-sabotaging was asking myself "In a future relationship, could this problem be avoided by me working on myself or is this something that I would need to avoid by making sure the new partner I choose doesn't have certain tendencies?" If it's the first one, then it's self-sabotage.
For example, if you and your ex had communications problems, it would be self-sabotage if you shut down during hard conversations and couldn't have them. But it would not be self-sabotage if you had fundamentally different ideas of what constituted a respectful conversation. Like maybe they thought it was okay to yell in a disagreement but you didn't. It's okay to have that kind of boundary.
View hidden comment
What helped me identify if my behaviors were self-sabotaging was asking myself "In a future relationship, could this problem be avoided by me working on myself or is this something that I would need to avoid by making sure the new partner I choose doesn't have certain tendencies?" If it's the first one, then it's self-sabotage.
For example, if you and your ex had communications problems, it would be self-sabotage if you shut down during hard conversations and couldn't have them. But it would not be self-sabotage if you had fundamentally different ideas of what constituted a respectful conversation. Like maybe they thought it was okay to yell in a disagreement but you didn't. It's okay to have that kind of boundary.
I feel like I was self-sabotaging in my last relationship because I took too long to open myself up to my ex. I was afraid of getting hurt and that kept me from forming a deep, meaningful bond with her, even though I liked her a lot. It can be hard to tell if you were self-sabotaging or if the relationship really needed to end. I think it leans more self-sabotaging if the problems in your relationship could have been solved with a mental shift on your end.
View hidden comment
Self-sabotaging in a relationship can take a lot of different forms. It could look like any of these:
- procrastinating on hard/important discussions, making issues worst as they fester
- getting overly jealous and controlling of your partner because you're insecure
- not asking for help from your partner or emotionally closing yourself off from them because you don't want to bother them or don't feel deserving of their help
- constantly criticizing your partner because you have unrealistic expectations
- hyperfixating on past mistakes instead of focusing on what you can work on in the present and aim for in the future, blocking productive growth
- making excuses for your behavior instead of facing problematic behaviors head-on so you can change for the better
- trying to change who you are just to please your partner, but losing yourself in the process or trying to keep up an appearance that is unsustainable
You'll probably sense a pattern or common theme with these examples! Self-sabotaging happens when you engage in behaviors that are harmful to yourself or your relationship.
View hidden comment
- procrastinating on hard/important discussions, making issues worst as they fester
- getting overly jealous and controlling of your partner because you're insecure
- not asking for help from your partner or emotionally closing yourself off from them because you don't want to bother them or don't feel deserving of their help
- constantly criticizing your partner because you have unrealistic expectations
- hyperfixating on past mistakes instead of focusing on what you can work on in the present and aim for in the future, blocking productive growth
- making excuses for your behavior instead of facing problematic behaviors head-on so you can change for the better
- trying to change who you are just to please your partner, but losing yourself in the process or trying to keep up an appearance that is unsustainable
You'll probably sense a pattern or common theme with these examples! Self-sabotaging happens when you engage in behaviors that are harmful to yourself or your relationship.
The "getting overly jealous" one really resonates with me. In one of my first relationships, my ex cheated on me, and that made me develop trust issues. I recently had a great relationship, my boyfriend was wonderful. But I'd always get nervous whenever he went out with female friends. I would never forbid him from doing it but I would just get sad and I wasn't very good at hiding it. He ended up breaking up with me because I couldn't fully trust him and he felt like I was blocked off from him :(
View hidden comment
What’s on your mind? Ask anything.
Get advice and feedback from experts and wikiHow readers just like you.
Ask a Question
