The Ultimate Chuck Norris Joke Guide

The legendary Chuck Norris has inspired so many jokes (read: facts) in the last several decades, you'll have no trouble finding a few to get the laughs going—especially since we've compiled all the most hysterical and bad*ss Chuck Norris jokes in one article! Read on for a major roundhouse kick to your funnybone!

Our Favorite Chuck Norris Jokes

On the 7th day, God rested. Then, Chuck Norris took over.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris got bit by a rabid dog. He didn’t get sick—the dog got better.
In the Beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the globe and punch himself in the back of the head.

Section 1 of 8:

Strength-Related Chuck Norris Jokes

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Chuck Norris's strength is unparalleled—like these jokes about him. Legends exist about the unrivaled strength of Chuck Norris. They say he can swim through land, and that he plays Jenga with Stonehenge. Read these jokes for the full lore:
- Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he does Earth downs.
- Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
- Chuck Norris is able to slam a revolving door.^{[1]
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- Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to season his meat.
- Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book Of World Records.
- When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
- Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.
- If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
- Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum. He felt so bad, he put it back together.
- Chuck Norris won an arm wrestling tournament, with both arms tied behind his back.
- When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get in shape.
- Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.
- Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Section 2 of 8:

Roundhouse Kick Chuck Norris Jokes

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For the man with a roundhouse kick that can be seen from space. With the naked eye. Celebrate Chuck Norris' most legendary ability with these jokes:
- Chuck Norris appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
- In the Beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
- Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased 13,000%.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a coal mine and turned it into a diamond mine.
- Chuck Norris doesn't strike gold, gold is the byproduct of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking rocks.

Section 3 of 8:

Chuck Norris Jokes about Fear

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The list of things that are afraid of Chuck Norris is long. Very long. There's probably even some sort of support group for Chuck Norris phones. These jokes are the best way to respect Norris's ability to make even Freddy Krueger weep in terror:
- When Chuck Norris looked into the abyss, the abyss looked the other way.
- Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
- Chuck Norris is the reason that Waldo is always hiding.
- Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
- Bigfoot is still hiding because he once saw Chuck Norris walking in the mountains.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.^{[2]
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- Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
- Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
- When Chuck Norris's parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
- Chuck doesn't need to throw out the trash, it always throws itself out.
- When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.
- The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
- Aliens are real. They are just hiding from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- The Flash discovered how to run at the speed of light when he discovered Chuck Norris was looking for him.
- Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.

Section 4 of 8:

Chuck Norris vs. Nature Jokes

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No human can beat nature—except Chuck Norris. These jokes highlight Chuck Norris' godlike ability to not only manipulate nature, but make it flee in terror:
- Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
- Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.
- Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.
- Chuck Norris has been exposed to the coronavirus. Coronavirus is now in quarantine.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris got bit by a rabid dog. He didn’t get sick—the dog got better.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
- Chuck Norris wrecked his bicycle and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.
- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
- When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
- When Chuck Norris swims, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets him.
- There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
- Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
- Chuck Norris created the giraffe when he uppercut a horse.
- Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best darn lemonade you’ve ever had.
- TIf Chuck Norris was on The Titanic the iceberg would have dodged the ship.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- The sun has to wear sunglasses when Chuck Norris glances at it.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t use an umbrella; the rain just avoids him.
- The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Section 5 of 8:

Chuck Norris vs. Logic Jokes

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When it comes to Chuck Norris, all the laws of logic fly out the window. His existence and godlike abilities simply defy all reason. Celebrate his refusal to bend to logic with these jokes:
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to wear a watch, he simply decides what time it is.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
- Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.^{[3]
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- Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
- Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he spent building a snowman at the bottom.
- Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.^{[4]
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- Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity more than once.

Section 6 of 8:

Chuck Norris vs. Authority Jokes

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Let's face it, the only authority figure we recognize is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris supervised his own birth. He arrests cops. He kicked his parents out of the house when he turned 18. Read these jokes for more Norris lore:
- When Chuck Norris left for college, he shook his dad’s hand, looked him in the eye, and said, "You’re the man of the house now."^{[5]
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- Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
- On the 7th day, God rested. Then, Chuck Norris took over.
- When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
- When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mother home from the hospital.
- When Chuck Norris was born the doctor asked him to name his parents.
- When Chuck Norris was a child at school, his teachers would raise their hands in order to talk to him.
- Chuck Norris doesn't negotiate with terrorists. The terrorists negotiate with Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once parked his car in a no parking zone to buy some groceries. When he returned to his car, a cop was waiting for him by his car. "Is that your car?" the cop asked. "Yes, is there a problem?" Chuck replied. The cop pointed at the big no-parking sign and said, “Sorry sir, it looks like we put that sign in the wrong place."
- If and when Chuck Norris ever dies, he will welcome God into Heaven.
- When police officers approach Chuck Norris they say, "We have the right to remain silent."

Section 7 of 8:

Miscellaneous Chuck Norris Jokes

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Some Chuck Norris jokes just can't be pinned down—much like Norris himself. The ability to unscramble an egg or to make a slinky go upstairs or to make a mirror shatter with a glance don't have anything in common, except that Chuck Norris is the only person in existence with these skills on his resume.
- Chuck Norris is able to sketch your portrait using an eraser.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
- Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
- What's under Chuck Norris's beard? Another fist.
- Chuck Norris has 2 speeds: 1. Walk 2. Kill
- Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 20 men, then it exploded.
- Some kids wear superman pajamas. Superman wears chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t eat honey, he chews bees.
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
- Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
- If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, then it’s beef.
- When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
- When Thanos snapped his fingers, he disappeared. Chuck Norris doesn't like snapping.
- Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t turn the shower on, he stares at it until it cries.
- Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
- The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
- When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
- The only reason Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award is that Chuck Norris isn’t acting.
- Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver. And wins.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger by yelling, “Bang!”
- Chuck Norris’s GPS never tells him to turn around.
- Chuck Norris’s itches scratch themselves.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
- Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
- Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as "You Know Who."
- Chuck Norris’ email address is Gmail@chucknorris.com
- When Chuck Norris uses the internet he can skip ads whenever he wants, ads are not able to skip Chuck Norris.
- The Loch Ness Monster claims to have seen Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris walks into a bar, the bar says ouch.
- The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
- Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
- Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
- When Chuck Norris enters a building that is on fire, the Chuck Norris alarm rings.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
- Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test. The machine confessed everything.
- Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
- When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips him.
- Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
- Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Chuck Norris got a Big Mac at Burger King.