The Best Bald Jokes to Crack Everyone Up: 130+ Options

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Plus, smart and savage comebacks to silence your haters!

Co-authored by Kendall Payne and Bailey Cho

Last Updated: March 24, 2025 Fact Checked

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Best Bald Jokes

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Roast Bald Jokes

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One-Liner Bald Jokes

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“I’m Bald” Jokes

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Comebacks for Bald Jokes

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Frequently Asked Questions

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Tips

If you know someone with a chrome dome, there are tons of silly jokes and savage roasts to make them laugh. In this article, we’ve put together the ultimate list of bald jokes, roasts, and one-liners that you can use on friends and family. We’ll also go over creative nicknames for bald people and snappy comebacks (in case someone tries to talk trash about your look). Just be sure to use these jokes in a playful and fun context, and avoid joking about someone's looks if they take offence!

Jokes About Balding

Once you go bald, you never grow back.
You so bald, you make light bulbs feel insecure.
Who is the most famous bald DJ? Calvin Hairless.
I can’t tell if I’m going bald…or if it’s all in my head.

Section 1 of 6:

Best Bald Jokes

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Crack a funny bald joke to bring all the laughs. If you want to make a bald person laugh, these jokes are just for you! They’re the perfect way to kill boredom and start a silly conversation over text or in person—as long as you deliver your line in a playful way so everyone knows it’s all in good fun.
- What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
- What are bald sea captains afraid of? Cap sizes.
- Who is the most famous bald DJ? Calvin Hairless.
- How can you avoid falling hair? Get out of the way.
- What do you call a bald guy named Gary? Garibaldi.
- What does a balding magician have in his hat? Hare.
- What kind of bird doesn’t need a comb? A bald eagle.
- What do you call a balding web developer? A 404-head.
- What do you call a bald man on a windy day? Fortunate.
- What do you call a bald spy? An agent with a clear cover.
- How do bald people send secret messages? Morse comb.
- What do you call a fight between two bald men? A glare-off.
- What’s truly pointless? To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
- Why do bald men make great runners? Less hair resistance.
- Why do bald eagles always look mad? Because they’re bald.
- If a bald guy was a pen, what kind would he be? A bald point.
- What is a bald guy’s favorite type of gun? One with a hair trigger.
- What’s a bald man’s favorite way to listen to music? On hairwaves.
- What do you call an airplane full of bald people? Receding airlines.
- Why are all the dead sinners bald? Because they have hell toupee.
- Why is it against the law to hunt bald eagles? Because it’s ill-eagle.
- What’s the difference between a bald guy and an egg? Eggs get laid.
- Why don’t bald people use keys? Because they don’t have any locks.
- Why are bald people greater leaders? They’re always at the forefront.
- What do you call a barber that only works on bald people? An air stylist.
- How do you know a bald man likes his new hat? It’s always on his mind.
- Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens? He lost his Hedwig.
- What’s worse than finding hair in your food? Finding out the chef is bald.
- What shouldn’t you say in an argument with a bald person? “Hair me out.”
- How can you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side.
- What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hairline.
- Why did the bald man go to outer space? He was looking for a new front-hair.
- What happened between a bald person and their hair? They had a falling out.
- Why do bald people always look forward to sunny days? It’s their time to shine.
- What do diarrhea and baldness have in common? They both run in your genes.
- Did you know that hair is really dead? I guess that means your head is a corpse.
- Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig? Because he forgot toupee.
- Why was the bald man excited about the windstorm? He was hoping for a blow-over.
- Why do bald people have an advantage during a test? Nothing goes over their heads.
- When do you know you’re going bald? When you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
- Why are bald people easily manipulated by a shower? Because they get brainwashed!
- Did you hear about the bald man’s will after he died? Turns out he didn’t have any heirs.
- Who has been waiting the longest for Philadelphia’s first NFL championship? Bald eagles.
- Why do women trust bald men more than normal men? Because bald men have nothing to hide.
- What did the barber say to the bald person when he entered the salon? “Hey, what are you doing hair?”
- What did my bald brother say when I gave him a comb as a gift? “Thanks, I will never part with this comb.”
- Why does a bald man always wake up happy? Because a man who has an extended forehead looks good.
- Why doesn’t the husband mind when his wife is leaving him due to his baldness? Because it’s hair loss.
- Why is it so easy to guess what a bald guy is going to say? Because you can literally see what’s on their mind.
- What’s the best way to irritate a guy who has a receding hairline and thick beard? Just ask him, “why is your hair cut upside down?”

Section 2 of 6:

Roast Bald Jokes

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Throw out this classic insult to begin the ultimate roast battle. Come up with your own “you so bald…” line to roast someone and have an epic exchange. Take turns trying to one up each other, or say whatever comes to mind to keep things entertaining—the more silly, specific and random your response, the better!
- You so bald, you’re a walking anti-hair ad.
- You so bald, I can use your head as a mirror.
- You so bald, even your shadow looks smooth.
- You so bald, you make light bulbs feel insecure.
- You so bald, your reflection has a glare warning.
- You so bald, your head doubles as a whiteboard.
- You so bald, Mr. Clean would call you “grandpa.”
- You so bald, your shampoo bottles are out of a job.
- You so bald, Bob the Builder can’t even fix it for you.
- You so bald, your head gets jealous of your eyebrows.
- You so bald, I can rub your head to see into the future.
- You so bald, when you rub your head, it grants wishes.
- You so bald, people ask if you’re cosplaying a light bulb.
- You so bald, when you nod, people think it’s a disco ball.
- You so bald, your head is the human version of a cue ball.
- You so bald, you use your head to find your way in the dark.
- You so bald, your reflection is so bright, it needs sunglasses.
- You so bald, your head got cast as a stunt double for an egg.
- You so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.
- You so bald, you can use your head to fry eggs on a sunny day.
- You so bald, your head blinded the dentist during your checkup.
- You so bald, American Airlines has asked for permission to land.
- You so bald, when you get into the shower, you get brainwashed.
- You so bald, when you walk into a room, all the lamps dim in fear.
- You so bald, your head gets mistaken for a freshly-polished trophy.
- You so bald, the reflection of your head is blinding people in China.
- You so bald, when you walk by, people mistake you for a solar panel.
- You so bald, when you wear a turtleneck, you look like roll-on deodorant.
- You so bald, your head reflects the sun and blinds planes flying overhead.
- You so bald, when you meditate, your thoughts start reflecting off your head.
- You so bald, when you take a shower, the water thinks you’re a slip-and-slide.

Section 3 of 6:

One-Liner Bald Jokes

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Drop an iconic one-liner about balding to keep the fun going. Looking for a hilarious bald joke to bring the house down? These sharp one-liners will provide all the LOLs you need and leave everyone in stitches:
- My friend is having a no hair day.
- His hair is brighter than my future.
- Once you go bald, you never grow back.
- Being bald means you went back to your roots.
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
- I can’t tell if I’m going bald…or if it’s all in my head.
- Imagine having a head that resembles a brand new pot!
- Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you’re bald.
- Only a man with an extended forehead wakes up looking good.
- There are no bald people, there are only gingers with initiatives.
- The best thing about being bald is that people just think you’re tall.
- A bald guy slipped in the shower. Fell on his head and slipped again.
- I first noticed I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
- I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.
- One of the most ironic things in the world is when a bald couple names their son Harry.
- After years of being bare, the idea of hair doesn’t sound too bad. It’s starting to grow on me.
- I wouldn’t say I was going bald, but when I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, “which one?”
- I like playing chess with bald people in the park. The only problem is that it’s hard to find 32 of them.
- I knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head because from a distance, they looked like hares.
- I’m not saying you’re losing your hair, but the lice on your head are starting to picket about deforestation.
- Bald people struggle with improvement. They can’t seem to come up with anything off the top of their head.
- I was going to make a joke about a bald guy’s hair, but then I remembered there was nothing to joke about.
- I was fed up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece. I was a small-price toupee.
- I told this girl that people tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s twin. She said, “I don’t think so…You’re fat, bald, don’t work out, and are too short.” I said, “I know, I'm Danny DeVito.”
- My friend’s been losing his hair and is really insecure about it, so I suggested he should get a transplant. He didn’t go for it, though. He thought he’d look stupid with a kidney on his head.

Section 4 of 6:

“I’m Bald” Jokes

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Embrace the shine and get a laugh with these self-aware bald jokes. If someone mentions needing a haircut or going to the salon, feel free to jump in and drop your own bald joke. It’s the perfect way to avoid any awkwardness and crack everyone up. Here are some of the best jokes:
- I’m letting my bangs grow out.
- Does it look better up or down?
- A bit of rain helps the hair grow.
- I don’t want to mess my hair up.
- One second, I need to do my hair.
- Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.
- My hair failed me, and I do not tolerate failure.
- My hair just skipped gray and went straight to clear.
- I think I know you…Do we go to the same hairdresser?
- I didn’t know it was gone. I’m going to have to go find it now.
- Yeah, I can’t wait to get off work. I’m going to get a haircut and then go for a walk.
- The Lord decided my face is so pretty he needs to show as much of it as possible.
- Can’t wait to go home and let my hair down, but as you can see, it has already let me down.

Section 5 of 6:

Comebacks for Bald Jokes

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Hit back at your haters with these short and snappy comebacks. Are you bald and feeling super savage? Save these lines for your opponents, or any time you need to shut down the conversation. They’re guaranteed to stop any incoming bald jokes and make the other person question their existence. Use them with extreme caution!
- Hey, no hair, no worries!
- At least I don’t have bad hair days.
- I’m not bald, I’m just too cool for hair.
- With a body like this, who needs hair?
- Just giving my scalp a chance to shine!
- Bald? Nah. I’m just saving on shampoo.
- I’m just giving my head more room to think.
- Not everyone can rock the aerodynamic look!
- I’m just giving everyone a glimpse of the future.
- Baldness is a sign of evolution. I’m just leveling up!
- I might be bald, but I’m still shining brighter than you.
- Beauty is only skin deep…I guess that’s why you have hair.
- My head’s just getting some extra sunlight. You should try it!
- Didn’t you hear? Bald is the new sexy. I’m just following the trends.
- I didn’t lose my hair—it escaped because it couldn’t handle my awesomeness!

Section 6 of 6:

Frequently Asked Questions

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Common alternative names for bald heads include “dome” and “noggin,” with some people even using terms like “smooth crown” or “polished pate.” We’ve listed other funny nicknames for bald people below!
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What are some good nicknames for bald people? Short and snappy nicknames, like “Baldy” or “Mr. Clean,” are perfect for your bald-headed friend. Just make sure to get their approval before you start using it. Here are some other funny options:
- Gru
- Aang
- Bane
- Baldy
- Dr. Evil
- Kingpin
- Milk Dud
- Saitama
- Cue Ball
- Egghead
- The Rock
- Mr. Clean
- Slick Rick
- Morpheus
- Baldilocks
- Voldemort
- Lex Luther
- Glare Bear
- Scalp King
- Bald Eagle
- Solar Panel
- Smooth Top
- Professor X
- Walter White
- Noggin Ninja
- Chrome Dome
- Gleam Machine
- One Punch Man
- Smooth Criminal
- Want more inspo? Here are other funny nicknames for your loved ones!
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Is it okay to make a bald joke? Generally, it’s not okay to make fun of someone’s hair loss, especially if they’re insecure about it or you don’t know them that well. Bald jokes can be hurtful or offensive to some, so it’s best to avoid joking about things people can’t change about themselves.^{[1]
X
Research source} With that being said, some bald people are super confident in their appearance and can laugh at themselves, so cracking a playful joke is fine.
- If you’re close to the other person and they’re cool with it, feel free to make a bald joke!
- If you accidentally hit a sore spot, own up to your mistake and make a genuine apology. You could say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take things too far, and I should be more careful with my words.”
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How can you compliment a bald person? Acknowledge their baldness, and let them know they’re pulling off the look. You can also celebrate their style, confidence, and personality. Here are some genuine compliments to make a bald person feel good:
- “You’re proof that bald is beautiful!”
- “Your bald head really brings out your features.”
- “You really pull off the bald look. It suits you so well!”
- “You make bald look like the ultimate fashion statement.”
- “I love how sleek and stylish you look without hair. It’s hot!”
- “With a head like that, who needs hair? You’re rocking it, dude!”
- “Your head looks so good, it might blind someone on a sunny day!”
- “Not everyone could rock this look, but you make it look so effortlessly cool.”
- “You pull off the bald look with so much confidence, and it’s really inspiring. What’s your secret?”

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Tips

Deliver your lines in a friendly and lighthearted way to avoid offending the other person. A smile, giggle, or squeeze on the shoulder can go a long way and reassure them that you’re just playing around.

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If you’re teasing someone in a group setting, be sure to spread your jokes around. Teasing one person can hurt their feelings and make them feel singled out, so have fun roasting everyone.

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