100 Nursing Jokes to Prove That Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine!

Nurses call all the shots, so you’ll have to trust us when we say that these jokes are spine-tinglingly funny—because they’re nurse-approved! If you’re a nurse looking for some professional humor to giggle at, or if you’re just sending a joke to an RN friend, we’ve got the most comprehensive list of nursing jokes that you can find. And whether or not you’ll find yourself breaking in your funny bone? All vital signs point to yes.

Top Nurse Jokes & Puns

What do you call a baby cat who works with nurses? A first aid kit!
Why was the nurse sacked? For being absent without gauze!
What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home? “Suture self!”
Why can’t you find any Tylenol in the jungle? Because the parrots eat ‘em all.
Never upset a pediatric nurse. They have very little patients.

Section 1 of 9:

Funny Nurse Humor Jokes

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Relieve any nurse’s stress with some hilarious nursing humor. Nurses deal with a lot during the course of their work—from long hours and stressful environments to (occasionally) challenging patients.^{[1]
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Research source} So, it’s no wonder that they develop their own brand of nurse humor that almost any RN can relate to—here are some of the funniest jokey bits of nursing humor:
- Why was the nurse angry? She ran out of patients.
- What do you call a nurse who is relaxed and smiling? Off duty!
- What do you call a baby cat who works with nurses? A first aid kit!
- What do you call an ER nurse with a great sense of humor? A lifesaver!
- Why was the nurse so good at finding veins? They had a good point to make!
- Why are night nurses such bad dancers? Their circadian rhythm is generally off.
- What do you call a group of people who all have heart rates below 60? The Brady Bunch.
- When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of Charades with a nurse!
- I told the nurse that I broke my arm in two places. They said to stop going to those places!
- How long does it take a nurse to change a light bulb? 30 seconds to change it & 30 minutes to chart it.
- How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just have a nursing student do it.
- What do a nurse and a wood frog have in common? They can both hold their bladder for a really long time.
- Why did the ICU nurse always excel in yoga class? They knew how to keep patients in "stable" positions!
- Why did the nursing student carry a stethoscope everywhere they went? To always have a "heart-to-heart" conversation!
- How many nursing students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: One to change it, and four to document the procedure!
- Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

Section 2 of 9:

Cheesy & Silly Nurse Jokes

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Tap into your silly side with a wacky (or “tachy”) nurse joke. Nurses spend each hour of their day brightening the lives of their patients, so why shouldn’t they get their own dose of joy with some cheesy humor? These nurse jokes are punny, silly, and pulse-itively hilarious:^{[2]
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- What do transplant nurses hate? Rejection.
- What did the cookie say to the nurse? “I feel crumby.”
- Why are nurses afraid of the outdoors? Too much poison IV.
- Why was the nurse sacked? For being absent without gauze!
- Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital? Because he was a-salted.
- Why did the nurse need a red crayon? She needed to draw blood.
- What did Dracula say to the nurse? “Please call the doctor. I can’t stop coffin.”
- Why did the nurse have to fill in the blood type chart twice? She made a type O!
- Why do a lot of nurses go to college at the North Pole? That’s where the Icy U is!
- What did the balloon say to the nurse during a routine checkup? “I feel light-headed.”
- Why didn’t one nurse find the other nurse’s joke funny? She had an irony deficiency.
- How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day? She won’t stop needling people.
- Why did the robot ask the nurse to call the doctor immediately? Because it had a virus.
- What did the banana say to the nurse? “I’m here to see the doctor. I am not peeling well.”
- What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
- What did the nurse say to the man who fainted at the airport terminal? I think you might have a terminal illness.

Section 3 of 9:

Nurse Jokes About Doctors & Patients

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Poke fun (not needles) at the doctors and patients you see every day. Hopefully, most nurses have a pleasant relationship with the patients they serve and the doctors that they work with. However, it’s definitely plausible that a nurse will have to let off some steam from time to time…and a light roast of their doctors and patients is certainly a good way to do that!^{[3]
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- Patient: "Nurse, I think I'm a pair of curtains." Nurse: "Pull yourself together!"
- What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home? “Suture self!”
- Patient: “I’ve swallowed a golf ball!” Nurse: “I can see it’s gone down a fairway!”
- How did the nurse make the Invisible Man feel better? They took him to the ICU!
- What’s the difference between God and a surgeon? God knows he’s not a surgeon.
- What did the nurse tell the patient suffering from bird flu? “Don’t worry, we can tweet you!”
- Did you hear about the two podiatrists who left the practice? They became arch enemies.
- Why did the nurse give the patient a pencil? They heard it was the write medicine for them!
- Patient: I get heartburn when I eat birthday cake. Nurse: Have you tried taking the candles off first?
- Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing an insect in my eye!" Nurse: "Don't worry, it's just a bug in your vision!"
- What did the patient say when the nurse informed him that he had acute appendix? “Compared to whom?”
- How did the nurse reply when asked, “Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?” “Yes, if you can aim it right.”
- What did the nurse say to the patient who is afraid of needles? "Don't worry; we have plenty of pointless conversations to keep you distracted!"

Section 4 of 9:

Nurse Jokes About Experienced vs. Novice Nurses

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Tip your hat to nurses that have been around the block and back. It takes a lot of time and energy to just become a nurse…let alone to have a storied career as one! Whether you’re on the newbie side or the veteran side of the great nurse divide, you can definitely recognize the wisdom that comes with experience through one of these funny nursing quips:
- A novice nurse loves to run to codes. An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
- A novice nurse has limited knowledge about these jokes. An experienced nurse is guilty of these jokes.
- A novice nurse always answers the phone. An experienced nurse checks the caller ID before answering the phone.
- A novice nurse wears so many pins on their name badge. An experienced nurse does not wear a name badge for liability reasons.
- A novice nurse spends hours giving a bed bath. An experienced nurse lets the nursing assistant or student nurse do a bed bath.
- A novice nurse wants everyone in the work setting to know they are a nurse. An experienced nurse does not want anyone to know they are a nurse.
- A novice nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they can change it. An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anyone, so they let it.
- A novice nurse will spend time bladder training an incontinent patient. An experienced nurse will refer the patient to the physician for the insertion of a Foley catheter.
- A novice nurse tries to make friends with everyone. An experienced nurse knows to use that energy only to befriend the cafeteria cooks, pharmacists, and discharge planner!
- A novice nurse does their head to toe assessments starting at the actual head or toes. An experienced nurse knows that all assessment criteria will be answered during a transfer to the commode!

Section 5 of 9:

Nurse Jokes About Medicine, Procedures, & Hospitals

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Fill your unit with laughter through a medical- or hospital-themed joke. Nurses are trained to be knowledgeable about every medication, procedure, and hospital department under the sun.^{[4]
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Research source} And the best part of acquiring all of that knowledge? They can expertly understand all of the funny nursing jokes listed below that reference prescription names, operations, and more.
- Which area in the US has the lowest cholesterol? Statin island!
- How do you handle metronidazole? Carefully, because it’s flagyl!
- Why can’t you find any Tylenol in the jungle? Because the parrots eat ‘em all.
- What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses? A mid-wife crisis.
- What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly? Good jab.
- What did the blood donor say to the nurse? “I feel super tired; it is such a draining process.”
- What did the senior nurse say to the young nurse about to give his first injection? Just give it your best shot.
- What did the nurse say to the tonsil? “You should get dressed, because the doctor is going to take you out.”
- Why does the infectious-disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi? Because it has all the hot spots.
- What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Section 6 of 9:

Short Nursing Puns & One-Liners

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Get straight to the point with a quick nursing one-liner. Nurses aren’t known for having a lot of down time—in fact, their standard shift length is 12 hours!^{[5]
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Research source} So, you better make your joke and make it fast! Short nurse jokes can pack just as much of a punch as lengthy ones, and these pun-filled one-liners do just that.
- Acupuncture. What’s the point?
- PMS jokes aren’t funny—period.
- When you get a bladder infection, ur-ine trouble.
- Never upset a pediatric nurse. They have very little patients.
- Never try lying to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.
- Don’t mess with me—I get paid to poke people with very sharp objects.
- Laughter is the best medicine—except when it comes to treating diarrhea.
- I caught a cold riding on a carousel. I think there was something going around.
- My younger brother made so many rash decisions, he decided to become a dermatologist.
- A man was wheeled into the operating room, but at the last minute, he had a change of heart.
- I tried to play hide-and-seek when I was in the hospital, but the security kept finding me in the ICU.
- Recent studies show patients who have a cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays. Evidence points to a weekend immune system.

Section 7 of 9:

Long Nurse Jokes

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Make a long nursing joke to help a long night shift pass more quickly. A nurse, a surgeon, and a chiropractor walk into a bar…or something like that! Nurses are a vital part of society, so it only makes sense that there are a number of comedic jokes and stories that revolve around this significant profession. Here are just a few long-form jokes to share around the nurses’ station:^{[6]
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- Knock knock
  Who’s there?
  HIPAA
  HIPAA who?
  ...I can’t tell you that!
- Patient: “Will I be able to play the piano after this operation?”
  Nurse: “Sure! Of course!”
  Patient: “That’s awesome because I couldn’t before!”
- I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”
- A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
  “Is this her first child?” the nurse queries.
  “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
- A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s great…some a**hole’s got my pen!”
- A nurse enters the room of a difficult patient who wants to find out if he’s still ill. At the moment, the nurse already has the results of the examination.
  “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the nurse says to the man.
  “Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.
  “10…” says the nurse.
  “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.
  “10…9…8…7…”
- Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
  To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner-city hospital,” she replied. “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.”
  To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.”
  He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
  “Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
  “Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days!”

Section 8 of 9:

Nursing Pick Up Lines

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Appeal to the nurse humor of any RN cutie you have your eye on. If you’ve swiped right on a nurse or are flirting with someone who’s revealed themselves to be one, then you may just be in need of a nursing pick up line! However, it’s not advised to use these lines on an on-duty nurse, which would be considered as professionally disrespectful and potentially as sexual harassment. If you’ve met a nurse outside of the hospital walls, however, feel free to rizz them up with one of these nursing pick up lines:^{[7]
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- I think I might need some Vitamin U!
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I scraped my knee falling for you.
- I may have astigmatism, but I see clearly when I’m with you.
- Are you Broca’s Aphasia? Because you leave me speechless.
- Do you have an inhaler? Because you just took my breath away.
- I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
- Blood is red. Cyanosis is blue. I get tachycardia when I’m with you.
- You must be the cure for Alzheimer’s because you’re unforgettable.
- Do you have a stethoscope? Because my heart just skipped a beat.
- You better call Life Alert because I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up.
- I think my vestibulocochlear nerve is damaged. I keep falling for you.
- I think you should take your temperature instead. You’re looking pretty hot.
- Do I have to get critically injured to see you again, or can I have your number?

Section 9 of 9:

What are the benefits of humor in nursing?

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Humor can help ease stress amongst nurses and their patients. In one study, strong connections were made between humor and enhanced learning when it came to nurse educators using humor in their coursework.^{[8]
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Research source} Another study found that humor not only helped nurses to deal with workplace challenges, but also to establish better relationships between them, their patients, and their colleagues.^{[9]
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- Humor can also be used as a therapeutic technique to decrease professional stress in nurses and to decrease anxiety, depression, and embarrassment among patients.