How do you gain trust back in a relationship after lying?
05/14/25 9:31pm
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Llife, career, and relationship coach, Sixu Chen, says to gain trust back in a relationship after lying, give your partner a sincere apology. Own up to your mistake and tell them that you won’t do it again. If the love is there, your partner should be willing to rebuild that trust with you. Give it time, and learn from your mistakes.
It depends on if there's been a pattern of lying, but I think the first thing to consider is, are you genuinely trying to improve the situation? One lie is one thing. It might be a mistake, but a pattern of lying is different. So first, you need to consider whether you are genuinely ready to make the necessary changes and do the things that are required to make that change?
A concept I like that I use with my clients is, it's not your job to trust me. It's my job to prove I'm trustworthy. And so, you need to demonstrate that you are trustworthy until they trust you. Maybe you go see a therapist, maybe you go talk to somebody, maybe you get a whatever it is, maybe you get some support. Then you remain present and you don't force them or pressure them to trust you because that is the opposite of being trustworthy. In sum, you need to be willing to make change, take the time to make those changes, and recognize that it is not the other person’s job to trust you, but yours to become trustworthy and to be trustworthy. Finally, recognize that regaining trust is going to happen at the pace it happens.
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A concept I like that I use with my clients is, it's not your job to trust me. It's my job to prove I'm trustworthy. And so, you need to demonstrate that you are trustworthy until they trust you. Maybe you go see a therapist, maybe you go talk to somebody, maybe you get a whatever it is, maybe you get some support. Then you remain present and you don't force them or pressure them to trust you because that is the opposite of being trustworthy. In sum, you need to be willing to make change, take the time to make those changes, and recognize that it is not the other person’s job to trust you, but yours to become trustworthy and to be trustworthy. Finally, recognize that regaining trust is going to happen at the pace it happens.
To rebuild trust after lying in your relationship, reflect on why you lied in the first place. Was it to avoid conflict? Were you trying to maintain control? Did you feel shame, guilt, or fear? Understanding your reasoning can help you talk to your partner about the situation and prevent it from happening again.
Once you’ve acknowledged the situation, give your partner a genuine apology. Express regret for the hurt and damage you have caused them, and take full accountability for your actions. Explain any underlying issues that may have contributed to your lie, without justifying it or shifting blame. Allow your partner to express their feelings and concerns without interruption, and be prepared to answer any questions they may have.
The next step is to build reassurance through actions, not just words. Find ways to make your partner feel safe again, and make an effort to be more open, honest, and reliable than ever before. This means being mindful of your promises, following through on your commitments, and showing up for your partner consistently. At the end of the day, actions are what ultimately rebuild trust.
Finally, give your partner time and space to heal. This could take months, or even years, depending on your lie. It’s unrealistic to expect instant forgiveness, so be patient as they work through their emotions. Some days might feel like progress, while others feel like setbacks—and that’s totally normal. If you’re having trouble rebuilding trust in your relationship, consider couples therapy.
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Once you’ve acknowledged the situation, give your partner a genuine apology. Express regret for the hurt and damage you have caused them, and take full accountability for your actions. Explain any underlying issues that may have contributed to your lie, without justifying it or shifting blame. Allow your partner to express their feelings and concerns without interruption, and be prepared to answer any questions they may have.
The next step is to build reassurance through actions, not just words. Find ways to make your partner feel safe again, and make an effort to be more open, honest, and reliable than ever before. This means being mindful of your promises, following through on your commitments, and showing up for your partner consistently. At the end of the day, actions are what ultimately rebuild trust.
Finally, give your partner time and space to heal. This could take months, or even years, depending on your lie. It’s unrealistic to expect instant forgiveness, so be patient as they work through their emotions. Some days might feel like progress, while others feel like setbacks—and that’s totally normal. If you’re having trouble rebuilding trust in your relationship, consider couples therapy.
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