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This article was co-authored by Cole Imperi and by wikiHow staff writer, Janice Tieperman. Cole Imperi is a certified Thanatologist and the Founder of the School of American Thanatology based in Los Angeles, CA. With over 17 years of experience, her mission is to help people explore their relationship with death, dying, grief and loss so they can get the most out of life. Cole is a 2-time TedX speaker focusing on shadowloss and resiliency, and is the author of the book A Guide to Grief, for teens and tweens. Cole has been featured on the Netflix series The Future of… and in The Atlantic, The New York Times, Ologies, Marie Claire, USA Today, and more. She also writes the popular column Grief or Madness and consults on bereavement programming for organizations.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you know go through a deep loss. You want to say something, but how can you express your sympathy without coming across as insensitive or cliche? There’s no need to worry. With condolences, your goal isn’t to “fix” the person’s problem and make them feel better–instead, your priority is to just offer support and solidarity. We’ve put together a selection of tasteful suggestions to help you express sympathy during a person’s time of need.
Things You Should Know
- You don't need to overthink it; there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm so sorry about what happened," or, "I love you, and you should know I'm here if you need anything."
- So long as you’re empathetic, honest, and genuine, people will appreciate your sympathy.
- It’s perfectly fine to not know exactly what to say and then say so; sometimes there isn’t anything to actually say in the wake of a serious loss.
Steps
Expert Q&A
Tips
Warnings
- Steer clear of comments like “This is part of God’s plan” or “They’re in heaven now.” These statements can seem really insensitive, especially if the person grieving isn’t religious.[18]Thanks
References
- ↑ Cole Imperi. Certified Thanatologist. Expert Interview
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
- ↑ Cole Imperi. Certified Thanatologist. Expert Interview
- ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
- ↑ https://chatelaine.com/living/what-to-say-to-someone-grieving/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/because-im-the-mom/201305/grief-etiquette-dont-say-anyone-grieving
- ↑ https://familydoctor.org/grieving-facing-illness-death-and-other-losses/
- ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
- ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
- ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving/
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/14/smarter-living/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving.html
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/14/smarter-living/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving.html
- ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/grief-how-to-support-the-bereaved
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
About This Article
If you want to express sympathy, try to acknowledge the person’s pain by saying something like, “I can see you’re hurt. Do you want to talk?”. If they do, listen to their perspective and try to understand how they feel. Give them your full attention by putting your phone away, making eye contact, and nodding to show you understand. Refrain from giving them advice or telling them things will be okay, since they probably don't want to hear this. In addition to listening to them, you can also offer your assistance with things like watching their kids or cooking for them. Sometimes helping with simple, every day things can relieve a lot of the stress they're feeling. You can also offer the person a hug or touch their arm, if you think it would be welcome. Another thing you can do is bring them a gift, like flowers or a card, to show that you’re thinking about them. For more tips from our Counselor co-author, including how to continue to express your sympathy as time goes on, read on!
