What to Say to Your Son's Girlfriend When They Break Up

Expert advice on reaching out to your son’s ex

Co-authored by Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT and Annabelle Reyes

Last Updated: August 5, 2024 Fact Checked

A breakup is a painful experience, and not just for the couple that is parting ways. Family members can be affected by the separation, too. If you got to know your son’s ex-girlfriend, it may feel like you're losing a family member when the relationship ends. It’s perfectly normal to want to contact her and express how you feel, but it's important to handle the conversation with care.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} We'll walk you through how to navigate the situation with expert insights from Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jacob Christenson.

How to Say Goodbye to Your Son’s Ex Girlfriend

When reaching out to your son’s ex, keep things upbeat. Let her know that you’ll miss her, you’re thankful you got to know her, and you wish her all the best. Avoid bringing up details about the break-up, or saying your son made a mistake when he broke up with her, as these things may be painful for her to hear.

1

Ask your son if he’s okay with you contacting his ex.

Download Article

Tell him that you cared about his ex-girlfriend and want to reach out. If the split was amicable, your son may be perfectly fine with it.^{[2]
X
Research source} However, “If it brings immense pain to your child or it was an awful breakup, then it might not be appropriate [to reach out to his ex],” says Christenson.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} Give your son time to think about your request, and respect his wishes, even if he doesn’t want you to reach out.
- Avoid pushing your son into letting you talk to his ex-girlfriend. You may not know all the details of their breakup, and it’s possible that hearing from his family may be difficult for his ex-girlfriend.
- Keep in mind that your son may just need some time to heal. If he says no at first, wait at least a few months, and gently ask again after he has taken time to cool off.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}

2

Stick with one brief message.

Download Article

It's best to avoid reaching out to your son’s ex repeatedly. Depending on how the breakup went down, remaining in contact with your son's ex-girlfriend may make the two of them uncomfortable, says Christenson.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} It may also cause you to get too involved in their breakup, or even tempt you to encourage them to get back together. As much as you may miss her, keep your communication to a single message of support and kindness.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Remember, if you want your son and his ex-girlfriend to get back together, remaining in contact with her is not what is going to bring them back into each other’s lives. They ultimately need time and space to decide what they want to do.
- However, there are some situations where it may make sense to remain friends with your son's ex. This may be the case if she and your son broke up on very good terms and are remaining friends themselves. As a rule of thumb, Christenson recommends taking your son's lead on this.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
  
  Expert Interview}

3

Send her a text to keep things light.

Download Article

If you and your son’s ex were pretty close and texted often, it would be appropriate to send her a quick text message letting her know that you wish her the best. If she and your son broke up on good terms and your son is comfortable with it, you can even let her know that you're around to talk, if she'd like. “If the breakup was mutual and easy, then there’s probably nothing wrong with staying in touch and having that continued friendship,” says Christenson.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview}

4

Give her a call if you want to talk.

Download Article

This is a good alternative if you’d rather have a verbal conversation. Pick a time when you are both off of work or out of school, and give her a call to let her know that you care about her. Though it may be difficult, avoid getting too emotional, and don’t say that you wish that the two of them would get back together—this might just make things harder for her. Instead, simply wish her well and tell her how grateful you are to have met her.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- If you call a few times and she doesn’t pick up, understand that she may not want to talk. Everyone handles breakups differently, and your son’s ex-girlfriend may need space.

5

Send her a card for a more hands-off option.

Download Article

This is a thoughtful and personal option, and it also allows your son’s ex to process your message and respond in her own time.^{[10]
X
Research source} Just make sure to mail the card instead of delivering it yourself to avoid any awkwardness. Even if she wants to hear from you, she may not feel up to seeing you in person.

6

Tell her how much you appreciated meeting her.

Download Article

She'll be flattered to know she made a positive impact on you. Let her know that you genuinely liked her as a person, and that you see her as a valuable human being, explains Christenson.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} Since it may be hard for your son's ex-girlfriend to talk about the relationship, especially if it’s still fresh, try to remain as cheerful as possible, and thank her for any kind things she may have done for your family.^{[12]
X
Research source}Here are some examples:
- "Even though you and Jack aren’t together anymore, I wanted to let you know that I am so grateful to have gotten to know you. You always made family trips so much fun. Thank you for everything these past few years!"
- "Emily, I just wanted to say I’m so happy I got to spend so much time with you. You’re such a genuine, kind, and lovable person, and I truly enjoyed getting to know you as a person.”
- “I just wanted to reach out to let you know how much of a positive impact you had on our family, and how much I’ve enjoyed spending time with you these past few years. Thank you for being the wonderful, radiant person you are!”

7

Offer a message of kindness and healing.

Download Article

Let her know that you wish her well and hope that she is doing okay.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Expert Interview} Regardless of her feelings about the breakup, your son’s ex-girlfriend will more than likely appreciate your concern. Be careful about discussing any details about the breakup in your message, though. You can wish her happiness without going into the specifics of the breakup.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- Relay a kind message, such as, "I hope you have been doing well. Know that I wish you only the best!"
- Though you may find it kind to tell your son’s ex-girlfriend that he made a mistake ending the relationship, this may open up fresh wounds or make the breakup messier.

8

Express that you'll miss her.

Download Article

You may have formed a close bond with your son's ex-girlfriend. It's okay to be sad that you won't see her anymore, and you're welcome to tell her that. Just make sure you keep this message brief, as you don't want to make her uncomfortable. She is likely pretty sad right now, too.^{[15]
X
Research source} Try something like:
- “I hope you know how much your smile and sense of humor will be missed at the next family dinner!"
- “Kayla, I always had such a great time when you joined us for game nights. The whole family will truly miss spending time with you!”
- “Maddie, I just want to let you know that I’ll truly miss you. You are such a sweet, genuine person, and I’m so glad I got to know you.”

9

Don't be offended if she doesn't reply.

Download Article

Your son’s ex-girlfriend may be too heartbroken to talk to you. The loss of a relationship can be very hard to deal with, and often space and a period of no contact are needed to move on. If you give her a call and she doesn’t pick up, or send a letter or text and she doesn’t reply, respect her wishes and stop contacting her.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Chances are, she just needs some time to process things. After taking some space, she may return your call and wish you well in the future!