12 Tips for Dating a Divorced Man in His 40s

Co-authored by Lauren Sanders and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: November 12, 2023 References

You're scrolling through a dating app when you see a man who seems perfect for you. Just one catch—he's divorced. But don't let that worry you too much. As you get older, it's much more likely that you'll encounter divorced men on the dating scene. At least in the US, nearly 45% of people ever married have been divorced, with the average marriage lasting around 9 years.^{[1]
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US Bureau of Labor Statistics
U.S. government agency that collects and reports labor-related information

Go to source} In many ways, dating a divorced man is similar to dating any other man, although there are a few things you need to keep in mind. That's why we here at wikiHow have gathered plenty of tips that will help you have a better dating experience with divorced men over 40.

1

Ask how long he's been divorced.

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If his divorce was only finalized recently, he might still be processing it. Even the most amicable divorce is a pretty traumatic event that takes some time to get through emotionally. When he jumps right back into dating after the divorce, there's a chance he won't be as emotionally available as you would like.^{[2]
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- Asking when he got divorced is a pretty simple question, but beyond that, leave it up to him to share the dirty details. As much as you might want to know about it, respect his privacy. He'll tell you when he's ready.
- How long it takes someone to process a divorce depends on how messy the divorce was and how long they were married. Generally, if he's been divorced for less than a year, those emotional issues are more likely to come up.
- He should be straight up about the details of his divorce.^{[3]
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  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  
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2

Have patience if he's out of practice with "dating."

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It might take him some time to find his feet again. The dating scene has changed drastically in the past 10 to 15 years—and it may have been that long since he's dated. On top of that, the last time he dated he might've been in college, when it was relatively easy to meet other single people and come up with things to do.^{[4]
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- If you've been single or dating for a while, be ready to give him some pointers—he'll appreciate them. He also might not have a lot of great ideas for dates at first, especially if he hasn't dated in quite some time.
- To go along with this, it's also possible that he hasn't been romantically involved with anyone but his ex-partner for as long as they've been married. It might feel "weird" for him, and that's okay! Just reassure him that these things take time to adjust to.

3

Let your personality shine.

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In his 40s, he's a lot more interested in your personality. Guys in their 40s, generally, are focused on looking for someone that would make a good life partner. Show him what kind of person you are, what you enjoy doing, and what's important to you. Someone they want to spend time with and experience all that life has to offer.^{[5]
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- For example, if you regularly volunteer with a community organization or an animal shelter, something like that would be likely to impress him.
- Having a good reputation in your community and at work will also mean a lot to him. He'll like that these things show your reliability and dependability.

4

Be open and honest about who you are and what you want.

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Divorced men in their 40s are usually done playing games. Be upfront about what you're looking for in a relationship from the very beginning—you don't want to lead him on or waste his time. If you're not interested in a serious relationship, tell him so.^{[6]
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- It might be that he's not interested in getting serious yet either, and that's totally fine. But if he's interested in a serious relationship and you're not, he likely won't want to take things much further.
- Don't think him being divorced means he doesn't want to commit. Many divorced men would love to have the opportunity to try marriage again and get it right. But even if he's not interested in getting married again any time soon, the fact that he stayed married for a while shows he's commitment-minded.

5

Support his having a positive relationship with his ex.

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A good relationship with his ex shows emotional maturity. He and his ex-partner were a very important part of each other's lives for many years. Getting divorced and remaining amicable shows that they both accept responsibility for the downfall of the marriage and don't want to harm each other anymore.^{[7]
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Lauren Sanders
Matchmaker & Dating Coach

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- If they have kids, having a positive relationship is all the more important. If you end up dating for several months or years, you'll likely be in contact with them too. You don't have to be their best friend, but keep things civil and cordial.^{[9]
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  Lauren Sanders
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- It's normal to have some feelings of jealousy or resentment, especially at first when you're still pretty insecure about his feelings for you. But keep in mind that his ex is a part of his past, and you are a part of his future.

6

Respect that he has a lot of responsibilities.

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A man in his 40s likely has an established career and might have kids. He has a lot going on in his life, which means he'll probably have limited time to spend with you. He might also not be able to do a lot of really spontaneous things that can be so much fun when you first start dating someone.^{[10]
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- Be willing to cut him some slack on this. For example, he might have to cancel a date because he needs to stay late at work to finish a project. Hopefully, things will only come up every once in a while, but when they do, he'll appreciate that you're understanding about it.

7

Acknowledge that you aren't his first priority.

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Let him know you expect him to put his career and his kids before you. As a new person in his life, you'll often find you have to take a backseat to other things he has going on—and that's a good thing. Men in their 40s are often well-established in their careers, which means there's a lot riding on the decisions they make and the things they do. And if he's a good father, he'll prioritize his kids as well.^{[11]
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Lauren Sanders
Matchmaker & Dating Coach

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- Support his decisions and show him that you recognize what's important to him and you have similar values. For example, if he has to cancel a date because one of his kids is sick, you might say, "I completely understand. You have to put your kids first. We can go out another time."
- Likewise, if he's held up late at work, you might say, "I totally understand how important your work is. You can go ahead and come over here when you're done if you want—I'll make you something to eat."

8

Take things slow.

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Divorced men don't usually want to rush into a new relationship. Unless he's recently divorced and wants to keep things casual, he probably wants to take things slow. Usually, this means he really wants to know you and spend some time with you before he gets too emotionally involved.^{[13]
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- Patience is the key here, especially if he doesn't seem to be on the same timeframe as you are. It might seem like he's emotionally unavailable, but he's really just trying to hold back until he's more sure about things and trusts you more.

9

Embrace the fact that he's probably pretty settled.

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Men in their 40s tend to have a pretty good grasp on who they are. This is actually a good thing for you. Men in their 20s and even 30s are still trying to find themselves and aren't really sure what they want to do with their lives. By the time he hits his 40s, though, he's likely to hit his stride. He knows what he likes, what he doesn't like, and how he wants to spend his time.^{[14]
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- If you're dating, this is a good thing, because it means he likes and wants to spend time with you. But if there are things about him that annoy you, make your peace with the fact that those things probably aren't going to change. He's probably pretty set in his ways.
- A lot of men in their 40s like for things to be pretty predictable. If you're much younger, this might seem a bit boring to you. You can encourage him to try some new things, but don't push too much if he seems resistant.

10

Make sure you're on the same page about having kids.

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While men can father children late in life, they might not want to. If he's already got kids from his previous marriage, he might not want any more. Additionally, men's fertility does start to drop after they hit 40, which can make it more difficult for him and a partner to conceive.^{[15]
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- If you're also in your 30s or 40s, you're probably in the same place. However, if you're in your 20s and hoping to have kids of your own, this might be a dealbreaker. Get his thoughts on having kids early on in the relationship, before you get too emotionally attached to him.

11

Get to know him well before you meet his family.

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He'll usually want to date you 6-12 months before taking this step. Remember—he got divorced. If he has children, meeting his family is an even bigger deal. This is a big relationship milestone, so just have patience. If you develop a strong, secure relationship, he'll feel confident that you're going to be around for a while.^{[16]
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- When he does introduce you to his family, let them warm up to you in their own time. There might be some anger and bitterness going back to the divorce that has nothing to do with you.

12

Watch for red flags early on in the relationship.

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You don't want to become emotionally attached to a toxic person. The fact that he's divorced means there's a chance he was the reason the marriage ended. Keep your eyes open for signs that he isn't the catch that he seems. Here are just a few things to watch for that might indicate he's a toxic person:^{[17]
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- Controlling behavior: He tries to tell you who you can hang out with or talk to, how you should dress, or how you should act.
- Irresponsible or impulsive behavior: He makes poor decisions, has a hard time holding on to a job, or can't control his finances.
- Abusive behavior: He insults you, yells at you, refuses to listen to you, or physically assaults you. If he gets angry easily or flies off the handle at next to no provocation, that's a sign he might be abusive in the future.
- Make sure that the guy you're dating is honest and forthcoming, too. You also shouldn't feel like you have to make excuses for him.^{[18]
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  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  
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