7 Easy Ways to Politely Turn Down a Date Online

Co-authored by Mark Rosenfeld and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: December 15, 2021 References

Navigating the world of online dating is always tricky. Things can get especially awkward when someone takes an interest in you, but you don’t feel the same about them. How do you make it clear that you’re not into them without hurting their feelings? The easiest way to turn someone down is to tell them you appreciate the gesture while declining their offer. In this article, we’ll go over some of the best ways to let someone down gently online.

1

Send a clear, direct message.

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If you seem uncertain, they might not take the hint. When you’re trying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, you might be tempted to be a little wishy-washy about your intentions. Unfortunately, this could give them false hope that you might change your mind—or just leave them feeling confused about whether you’re interested or not. Send a message that’s as clear as possible so that there’s less chance of a misunderstanding.^{[1]
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- For instance, say something like, “Sorry, but I’m not interested,” or “You seem cool, but I just don’t feel a romantic connection between us.”^{[2]
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- Unless you’re truly uncertain, avoid saying ambiguous things like, “I’m just not sure how I feel about going out with you right now,” or “I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it.”
- Whatever you say, keep it brief. There’s more room for confusion, frustration, or hurt feelings if you write a long essay about why you don’t want to go out with them.

2

Give them a reason if you want.

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You don’t owe anyone a reason, but it might soften the blow. If you choose to tell them why you’re not interested, keep it honest and phrase it in a kind, constructive way.^{[3]
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- Other reasons you might use include things like, “It wouldn’t work out with us living so far apart,” or “You’re so adventurous, but I’m more of a homebody. I don’t think our lifestyles are really compatible.” You can also keep it simple and just say something like, “I’m sorry, but I don’t see you in a romantic way.”
- Avoid saying anything that could come across as hurtful or unkind, such as, “You’re not that attractive to me.”

3

Make your message positive.

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Keep it upbeat and friendly. If you want, you can even throw in a compliment—just be careful of giving them the idea that you might still be interested.^{[5]
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Research source} Try saying something like:
- “It’s been so much fun chatting with you, but I just don’t feel like we’re a good romantic match.”
- “You’re awesome, but I’m not really feeling that spark.”
- “I’m so flattered you asked, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.”
- “You seem like a really cool person, but I just can’t see us as a couple.”

4

Say it’s about you, not them.

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Don’t pin the blame on them for your lack of attraction. Instead, focus on your own feelings.^{[6]
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Mark Rosenfeld
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Expert Interview} The rejection will sting a lot more if you make it sound like there’s something “wrong” with your would-be date.^{[7]
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- For instance, say something like, “I’m not feeling any chemistry here,” or “It sounds like you’re looking for something serious, but I’m not ready to commit to anyone right now.”
- Avoid saying things like, “You’re not my type,” “You’re a little bit high drama for me,” or “You don’t seem like boyfriend/girlfriend material.”

5

Wish them luck.

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This is a kind and gracious way to wrap things up. Instead of just rejecting them and leaving it at that, let your would-be date know that you wish them the best. Leave things on a friendly and hopeful note.^{[8]
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- For instance, say something like, “Good luck out there! :)” or “I know you’ll find someone awesome.”

6

Resist the temptation to ghost them.

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It feels awful to be left hanging. As awkward as it can be to send that rejection note, the other person will feel a lot less hurt and confused if you just tell them what’s up.^{[9]
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Research source} Even if you don’t want to get into your reasons or write anything elaborate, just tell them something. It could be as simple as, “No, thanks.”
- Not only is it kinder to the other person if you don’t ghost them, but it’ll also save some potential awkwardness if you happen to run into them in the future.^{[10]
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7

Set strong boundaries if they persist.

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You don’t have to keep answering if they don’t take the hint. If the other person continues to bother you even after you gave them a clear “no,” don’t worry about staying polite. You went to the effort to be kind and respectful, and they should do the same for you! If you like, you can send them another message asking them not to contact you anymore. If that doesn’t work, you may need to block or report them.
- If you’re already worried that you might be dealing with someone who won’t take no for an answer, it’s okay to be a bit blunter in your initial message. Say something like, “I don’t think we’re compatible, and I’m not interested in going on a date with you. Please don’t contact me further.”^{[11]
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