What should more people know before having sex for the first time?
05/12/25 5:19pm
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Things You Should Know
Cath Hakanson, global sex educator, says that before people have sex, they should know about sexual readiness. During your first sexual experience, prioritize open communication about comfort and needs with your partner. Awkwardness is normal, so take it slow, relax, and start with kissing and touching, following your instincts. Always get consent and use protection. Vaginal and anal sex may cause discomfort or bleeding initially, so heed your body and stop if uncertain or uncomfortable. Lube can help make sex easier and more enjoyable. Afterward, urinate to prevent UTIs and wash with soap. Cuddle and relax together to ease awkwardness and strengthen your connection.
This is such an important question.
1. Sex is not just penis and vagina sex. Sex is anything related to pleasuring the genitals and or erogenous zones. So when it comes to making out, when it comes to fingering, when it comes to oral, when it comes to using a toy, when it comes to watching porn together and getting aroused, all of those things can be considered sex. I think there's a misconception that once a penis enters a vagina, that's when a person "loses their virginity." Virginity is a construct. It's made up.
2. Throughout those different kinds of acts, using toys, oral, you can get STIs. It's really important to protect yourself against STIs by using condoms and dental dams. It's also important to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Everyone should know about the dual protection method. That's using condoms plus a form of birth control, whether that's an IUD, birth control pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, etc.
2. Sex should feel fun, and sex should feel good. We're really not taught those things! Sex ed only covers the risks of pregnancy and disease, but the reality is that there are risks and there are rewards to having sex. Most people have sex because they get rewards out of it. The reward is that you can connect with someone. It can feel really good, you can reach orgasm, you can feel pleasure, you can have fun, you can laugh.
3. Lube is your best friend when you're first starting to have sex. Likely, for people with vulvas, sex can feel uncomfortable if you're not using lube and if you're not taking your time. It's important to know that on average, people with vulvas take around 20 to 30 minutes to feel warmed up enough and ready to reach orgasm to climax, whereas people with penises take closer to five to 10 minutes. So it's important to know that if you're having sex with someone with a vulva or if you have a vulva, you might take a little bit more time to warm up. So think about how you're using fingers, how you're using a mouth, how you're using a toy, how you're taking your time using lube. Then if and when you're ready to have PV sex, know that you should go slow, you should take your time. If it hurts, you should stop. If it feels really uncomfortable, you should stop. Know that with time, most people are able to have penis/vagina sex that is pleasurable and comfortable.
4. Don't ever forget about the clitoris. Most women are not going to reach orgasm through penetration alone. Make sure to take turns - if once, the person with the penis orgasms first, the next time, the person with the vulva should orgasm first.
5. Aftercare is really important. Aftercare can be physical touch or verbal discussion. It can be taking a shower together, laying in bed, cuddling, tickling each other. It's about calming yourselves down, discussing what went well, and talking about anything that you want to process together. Orgasm can lead to a serotonin increase and oxytocin release. So there's a literal come-down of hormones after orgasm. It's important to get your body and your mind back to baseline with aftercare.
6. Finally, know that people who have sex with you need to respect you. They need to get your consent, and the sex needs to be comfortable and safe. Both people should have each other's pleasure in mind.
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1. Sex is not just penis and vagina sex. Sex is anything related to pleasuring the genitals and or erogenous zones. So when it comes to making out, when it comes to fingering, when it comes to oral, when it comes to using a toy, when it comes to watching porn together and getting aroused, all of those things can be considered sex. I think there's a misconception that once a penis enters a vagina, that's when a person "loses their virginity." Virginity is a construct. It's made up.
2. Throughout those different kinds of acts, using toys, oral, you can get STIs. It's really important to protect yourself against STIs by using condoms and dental dams. It's also important to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Everyone should know about the dual protection method. That's using condoms plus a form of birth control, whether that's an IUD, birth control pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, etc.
2. Sex should feel fun, and sex should feel good. We're really not taught those things! Sex ed only covers the risks of pregnancy and disease, but the reality is that there are risks and there are rewards to having sex. Most people have sex because they get rewards out of it. The reward is that you can connect with someone. It can feel really good, you can reach orgasm, you can feel pleasure, you can have fun, you can laugh.
3. Lube is your best friend when you're first starting to have sex. Likely, for people with vulvas, sex can feel uncomfortable if you're not using lube and if you're not taking your time. It's important to know that on average, people with vulvas take around 20 to 30 minutes to feel warmed up enough and ready to reach orgasm to climax, whereas people with penises take closer to five to 10 minutes. So it's important to know that if you're having sex with someone with a vulva or if you have a vulva, you might take a little bit more time to warm up. So think about how you're using fingers, how you're using a mouth, how you're using a toy, how you're taking your time using lube. Then if and when you're ready to have PV sex, know that you should go slow, you should take your time. If it hurts, you should stop. If it feels really uncomfortable, you should stop. Know that with time, most people are able to have penis/vagina sex that is pleasurable and comfortable.
4. Don't ever forget about the clitoris. Most women are not going to reach orgasm through penetration alone. Make sure to take turns - if once, the person with the penis orgasms first, the next time, the person with the vulva should orgasm first.
5. Aftercare is really important. Aftercare can be physical touch or verbal discussion. It can be taking a shower together, laying in bed, cuddling, tickling each other. It's about calming yourselves down, discussing what went well, and talking about anything that you want to process together. Orgasm can lead to a serotonin increase and oxytocin release. So there's a literal come-down of hormones after orgasm. It's important to get your body and your mind back to baseline with aftercare.
6. Finally, know that people who have sex with you need to respect you. They need to get your consent, and the sex needs to be comfortable and safe. Both people should have each other's pleasure in mind.
When you have sex for the first time, be open and honest about your experience, needs, and comfort level with your partner. Communicate with your partner about their needs and comfort level, too, and don't worry about a little awkwardness, which is totally normal and common. Go slowly, relax, and ease into the situation. Start with some kissing and tender touches, and let your instincts guide you. Remember to always ask for consent, and to use protection like condoms to stay safe and avoid STDs.
Both vaginal and anal sex may hurt or cause some bleeding during the first time, so pay attention to your body. These are natural occurrences, but you shouldn't continue if you feel uncertain or uncomfortable. It's always okay to stop or take a break. Go slowly and use silicone or water-based lube to make sex easier, less painful, and more pleasurable.
After sex, urinate to prevent urinary tract infections. Shower and use soap to wash away any lube or bodily fluids. Also, enjoy the time after by cuddling, kissing, and relaxing together if you're comfortable, which can help make things less awkward and also deepen your bond.
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Both vaginal and anal sex may hurt or cause some bleeding during the first time, so pay attention to your body. These are natural occurrences, but you shouldn't continue if you feel uncertain or uncomfortable. It's always okay to stop or take a break. Go slowly and use silicone or water-based lube to make sex easier, less painful, and more pleasurable.
After sex, urinate to prevent urinary tract infections. Shower and use soap to wash away any lube or bodily fluids. Also, enjoy the time after by cuddling, kissing, and relaxing together if you're comfortable, which can help make things less awkward and also deepen your bond.
Honestly, more people should know that sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional, mental, and even a little awkward at times (and that’s normal). Communication is everything. Talk about consent, boundaries, protection, and expectations before anything happens. It’s okay to be nervous, and you don’t have to "perform" or meet some fantasy version of how it’s “supposed” to go. Take your time, be respectful, and make sure it’s something you want, not something you feel pressured into. Good sex starts with trust, comfort, and mutual respect, not just chemistry.
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