how can I be less lonely? (recently started at a new school)
So I recently started at a new school, and have met some people who I hang out with, but I don't really think they're true friends, because they're not so nice to me. I'm still in contact with my two best friends from my previous school, but I barely ever get to see them because we don't live super close to each other anymore.đ˘ So... idk, what should I do?
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Start by being intentional with your time. In your first few weeks, prioritize making connectionsâwith peers, teachers, counselors.
Join one or two clubs. Itâll feel uncomfortable. Youâll be shy. Do it anyway. Why? Because the belief that you can make friends has to override the fear. Most fearsâaside from falling and loud noisesâare learned. That fear of judgment? Thatâs your inner bully, not the real you.
The real you is resilient. Youâve overcome every hard day youâve ever had. When you put yourself out there and survive the discomfort, you build confidence. You realize: âI did something hard. I can do it again.â Confidence = self-trust. If you consistently keep promises to yourself, your confidence will grow. If you constantly let yourself down, that trust erodes.
So take small actions. Join clubs. Call a therapist. Reach out to an old friend. Your first step might not be going from A to Zâit might just be getting from A to B.
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Join one or two clubs. Itâll feel uncomfortable. Youâll be shy. Do it anyway. Why? Because the belief that you can make friends has to override the fear. Most fearsâaside from falling and loud noisesâare learned. That fear of judgment? Thatâs your inner bully, not the real you.
The real you is resilient. Youâve overcome every hard day youâve ever had. When you put yourself out there and survive the discomfort, you build confidence. You realize: âI did something hard. I can do it again.â Confidence = self-trust. If you consistently keep promises to yourself, your confidence will grow. If you constantly let yourself down, that trust erodes.
So take small actions. Join clubs. Call a therapist. Reach out to an old friend. Your first step might not be going from A to Zâit might just be getting from A to B.
Being new is so lonely. I want you to feel less lonely, I do, but I also want you to know that everyone feels lonely when they're new at something. It's not that you're doing this wrong, and if you were just better at it, you wouldn't feel lonely. It might feel lonely for a time, but the first thing you can do is join something that's in your interest area. Maybe it means doing something new. The school may not have the same things that you used to do at your last school. You might join the yearbook or try taking pictures for the newspaper, or give yourself a chance to try out for a sports team that you've not tried before.
Putting yourself in an environment to try something and as you're there, look around and ask, âIs there anybody here who makes me feel safe? Is there someone who seems particularly welcoming or friendly?â This is the scary part, but you might have to walk up to them and say, âI'm new and I don't have any friends yet. Could I sit with you at lunch?â or âCould you help me meet a few people?â You might have to be vulnerable and ask for someone to help you out, but hopefully they will. Most people know that it's hard to be new and my hope is that it wouldn't take too many tries before you find somebody who really helps you make the connections that you're looking for. Just one person can make all the difference between being lonely and having a friend.
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Putting yourself in an environment to try something and as you're there, look around and ask, âIs there anybody here who makes me feel safe? Is there someone who seems particularly welcoming or friendly?â This is the scary part, but you might have to walk up to them and say, âI'm new and I don't have any friends yet. Could I sit with you at lunch?â or âCould you help me meet a few people?â You might have to be vulnerable and ask for someone to help you out, but hopefully they will. Most people know that it's hard to be new and my hope is that it wouldn't take too many tries before you find somebody who really helps you make the connections that you're looking for. Just one person can make all the difference between being lonely and having a friend.
It sounds like it might be time to make some new friends at your current school. Iâll share a strategy that I developed with a kid who had grown up internationally and was moving somewhere where they didnât know anyone and didnât speak the language well. They were introverted and didnât know how they were going to make friends. What we tried together worked really well for them, and has worked for a lot of other kids since!
I'm going to break it down step by step.
First, find something that you can be doing so you don't look weird or out of place. You can be holding your phone or have a piece of paper to hold up and read, whatever. But scan the people in the environment, whether it's standing in the hall or hanging in the cafeteria. Do a visual scan and trust the vibe you get. If there's a group where you feel like, âOoh, they look like they might be for me,â whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, or a sports team theyâre a part of, try to hang around a bit. Maybe find a place to lean on the wall, look at your phone and just kind of eavesdrop. Keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation where maybe you can naturally say, âI'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?â or whatever the topic is where you can ask a question. By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation. Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question and show some sort of enthusiasm for what theyâre saying. Then, trust your gut about whether you can move in a little bit and join the conversation further, and if theyâre welcoming that.
So, to summarize, you observe the surroundings, identify who is appealing to you and feels safe, eavesdrop a bit and look for an opportunity to join in, ask a question about the relevant conversation, and wait for a reply. Then, youâll express enthusiasm and then ask another question. Finally, another way to continue the conversation is to find something you like about the people youâre speaking to and give them a genuine compliment that will continue the conversation. Pick something the person chose and that represents how they want people to see them. In other words, donât compliment a physical trait that doesnât open up a conversation, but comment on something like their earrings, because then you can ask where they got them, and that can lead to a longer conversation!
That same strategy is the way to start a conversation with an individual. If approaching a group is too much, which it often is, you might do that same tool. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come by and say âYou have fluorescent pink converse. I love them.â Everybody wants to feel seen and included. When you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. If a person is not automatically comfortable putting themselves out there, making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
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I'm going to break it down step by step.
First, find something that you can be doing so you don't look weird or out of place. You can be holding your phone or have a piece of paper to hold up and read, whatever. But scan the people in the environment, whether it's standing in the hall or hanging in the cafeteria. Do a visual scan and trust the vibe you get. If there's a group where you feel like, âOoh, they look like they might be for me,â whether it's what they're wearing, the instruments they're carrying, or a sports team theyâre a part of, try to hang around a bit. Maybe find a place to lean on the wall, look at your phone and just kind of eavesdrop. Keep your ears peeled for something in the conversation where maybe you can naturally say, âI'm sorry. Are you guys talking about the Taylor Swift show?â or whatever the topic is where you can ask a question. By asking a question related to what they're saying, you're suddenly in the conversation. Of course, wait for a pause to insert that question and show some sort of enthusiasm for what theyâre saying. Then, trust your gut about whether you can move in a little bit and join the conversation further, and if theyâre welcoming that.
So, to summarize, you observe the surroundings, identify who is appealing to you and feels safe, eavesdrop a bit and look for an opportunity to join in, ask a question about the relevant conversation, and wait for a reply. Then, youâll express enthusiasm and then ask another question. Finally, another way to continue the conversation is to find something you like about the people youâre speaking to and give them a genuine compliment that will continue the conversation. Pick something the person chose and that represents how they want people to see them. In other words, donât compliment a physical trait that doesnât open up a conversation, but comment on something like their earrings, because then you can ask where they got them, and that can lead to a longer conversation!
That same strategy is the way to start a conversation with an individual. If approaching a group is too much, which it often is, you might do that same tool. If there's someone standing alone looking at their phone, come by and say âYou have fluorescent pink converse. I love them.â Everybody wants to feel seen and included. When you compliment something they chose, you're giving them a hit of positive brain chemicals and connection, and they suddenly have a reason to like you. If a person is not automatically comfortable putting themselves out there, making friends, an easy way to make people like you is to be interested in them. And you show that by showing appreciation for something and then asking questions, which allows them to keep talking.
Try connecting with new people at your school if the students you've met aren't very nice. Join a sport, team, or club to meet people who have similar interests as you. Attend social events, like sports games and dances, and join a group of people sitting together at lunch or at the next event you go to. Make eye contact and smile at people so you seem approachable and friendly. Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation or give someone a compliment, too.
In the meantime, try to prioritize connecting with your old friends. You can text, talk, video chat, and even send each other letters! Plan virtual hangouts, like an online movie night, playing video games together, starting a book club, doing an online escape room, or taking an online art or workout class together.
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In the meantime, try to prioritize connecting with your old friends. You can text, talk, video chat, and even send each other letters! Plan virtual hangouts, like an online movie night, playing video games together, starting a book club, doing an online escape room, or taking an online art or workout class together.
Start coming up with some plans to meet and connect with people. Try looking into some hobby groups in the area, like at your school or on Meetup.
When you're trying to meet people, just ask a simple question like how their day is going. Then they can share something about their day and get the conversation started. If there's any type of current event or something that's going on that's not too triggering, that could be something to share with them.
Joining a conversation tends to actually be easier, because you can actually hear what the topic is. So just asking a question or chiming in is great if you want to hop into a conversation that isn't too private.
I would also recommend having a really good self-care plan. So outside of actually being connected to people, keep up with the habits that make you feel happy. Things like exercise, doing hobbies, and meditating are all great ways to keep your relaxed so you're not feeling as lonely.
View hidden comment
When you're trying to meet people, just ask a simple question like how their day is going. Then they can share something about their day and get the conversation started. If there's any type of current event or something that's going on that's not too triggering, that could be something to share with them.
Joining a conversation tends to actually be easier, because you can actually hear what the topic is. So just asking a question or chiming in is great if you want to hop into a conversation that isn't too private.
I would also recommend having a really good self-care plan. So outside of actually being connected to people, keep up with the habits that make you feel happy. Things like exercise, doing hobbies, and meditating are all great ways to keep your relaxed so you're not feeling as lonely.
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