Does Having a Narcissistic Father Affect You as a Daughter?

Plus, how to cope with being the child of a narcissist

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: September 20, 2023 References

As a narcissist’s daughter, you were likely criticized, pushed aside, and abandoned emotionally from a young age. You may have buried the trauma deep down, trying to move on with your life, but as you get older, you might realize that you carry more baggage from your father than you initially thought. So, what traits can daughters of a narcissistic father inherit? Is there a way to reverse the damage? In this article, we’ll walk you through the 10 leading symptoms of being raised by a narcissistic parent. Plus, we’ll help you learn to overcome your trauma and find your worth.

Things You Should Know

A narcissistic father manipulates their daughter for their own agenda, which can leave their daughter feeling unworthy.
The daughter of a narcissist will often struggle to show emotion and create lasting relationships because they’ve grown up in a household that lacks empathy.
A daughter of a narcissistic father tends to be a people pleaser, as they’re accustomed to agreeing with their fathers to avoid backlash.

1

You feel anxious or depressed.

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Walking around on eggshells can make you stressed. Narcissists manipulate others into believing you’re not worthy or good enough for their affection. If your father’s a narcissist, there’s a strong possibility that you’ve carried anxiety and a melancholy mood into adulthood. Perhaps you’re constantly on edge or struggle to feel happy. Unfortunately, these are common side effects of being raised by a narcissist.^{[1]
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- How to cope: Keep a journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, stressed, worried, or anxious. Believe it or not, getting your thoughts on the page can make a huge difference. Plus, it can help you unravel and understand the emotional turmoil you’ve been through.

2

You have a hard time forming relationships.

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Trusting people likely doesn’t come easily to you. Because of your upbringing, it may be difficult for you to form lasting relationships. Perhaps you could only hang out with friends or romantic partners your father approved of when you were a kid, and the constant need for his gratification has trickled into your adult life. He likely didn’t support you emotionally, so it may be hard for you to reciprocate other people’s feelings and make personal connections.^{[2]
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- How to cope: Don’t let your father’s fear of your independence stop you from making friends and finding love. Participate in clubs or organizations in your community, reach out to a colleague with similar interests, or join a chatroom with like-minded people.

3

You struggle to express your emotions.

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You’ve probably grown accustomed to hiding your feelings. Your father’s emotional abuse, manipulation, and lack of empathy may have subconsciously taught you to bury your feelings.^{[3]
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Research source} Maybe he’d lash out when you showed an “unpleasant” emotion or said, “It’s all in your head” when you relayed how you felt. Either way, sharing your emotions now may come with feelings of doubt and guilt, as you fear others will respond similarly.^{[4]
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- How to cope: Know that it’s okay to put your walls down every once in a while—not everybody is out to get you. Start expressing your emotions slowly. For instance, tell a friend when you feel anxious in a store, and then move up to sharing how a recent breakup made you feel.

4

You find it difficult to set boundaries.

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You likely never had boundaries growing up, so they’re harder to make now. Narcissistic individuals expect their agenda to be the only agenda. Your father probably pushed aside your wants and needs to meet his.^{[5]
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Research source} Because of this, you may struggle to set healthy boundaries as an adult. Never saying “no” as a child can make it harder to say now.^{[6]
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- How to cope: Practice setting boundaries one step at a time. Start by learning to say “no” to friends or work opportunities if your schedule is packed. Then, work your way up to only calling a toxic family member of friend once a month. Think of setting boundaries as any other healthy habit—the more you do it, the more routine it’ll be.^{[7]
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5

You have low self-esteem.

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Your father’s harsh words have likely led you to doubt yourself. You may have never truly felt loved or valued with a narcissist raising you. Your father’s need for perfection and effort to crush your confidence to remain superior can continue to haunt you years later.^{[8]
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Research source} Perhaps you instinctually compare yourself to others or doubt your abilities.^{[9]
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PubMed Central
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- How to cope: Never let a narcissist determine your worth. You are an exceptional human being. Your father’s lack of empathy and respect doesn’t define you. Be proud of who you are, what you’ve done, and what you can do.^{[10]
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6

You’re self-critical.

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If your father’s a narcissist, you probably talk negatively to yourself. Growing up, you likely grew accustomed to backlash and consistent criticism. No matter what you did, nothing seemed good enough for him. Perhaps he guilt-tripped, shamed, or blamed you with statements like, “It’s your fault I’m not happy” or “I’ve done everything for you, and you’re ungrateful.”^{[11]
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Research source} This gaslighting behavior can lead you to be critical to yourself without even realizing it.
- How to cope: Overcome self-criticism by talking to yourself like you would any other friend. When something negative pops into your mind, ask yourself, “Would I tell this to my best friend?” If not, don’t say it to yourself! Instead, replace the negative thought with something positive.^{[12]
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7

You’re a perfectionist.

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After being deemed unworthy, you probably strive to be perfect. You’re likely used to being held to high standards. Perhaps your father never batted an eye at your accomplishments or treated you like you were invisible until your wins made him look good (i.e., bragging to colleagues or friends about your accomplishments, even though he’s never expressed the same admiration to you). These are common narcissistic tendencies, and while they don’t excuse his behavior, they may describe your constant need to “be better.”^{[13]
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- How to cope: Manage perfectionism by acknowledging what you’re scared of. If it’s your father’s high standards, ask yourself why. Then, shift your mindset to focus the attention back on you. Why do you want to achieve a goal or complete a task? This can help you identify your fears and reinvigorate your motivation.^{[14]
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  Harvard Business Review
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8

Your biggest fear is rejection or abandonment.

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Being belittled can leave you with the constant worry of being alone. Your father may have always dropped the ball, and you likely still fear the dread of being forgotten or pushed aside to this day. Perhaps he even emotionally manipulated you with statements like, “If you don’t become an engineer, I’ll cut off my support.”^{[15]
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Research source} Because of this, you may struggle with abandonment issues or fear dating because you don’t want to be rejected.
- How to cope: Try deep breathing exercises or mediating when fear starts to overwhelm you. If the fear continues, talk to a therapist or counselor, as they’ll be able to help you find the root of the problem and safely overcome it.^{[16]
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  Cleveland Clinic
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9

You’re sensitive to criticism.

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Criticism likely doesn’t sit well with you if you fear aggression. If your father’s a narcissist, you probably grew up getting degraded constantly.^{[17]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} Nothing you did, wore, or said would live up to his expectations. The constant put-downs likely wounded your confidence and made it harder for you to view criticism in anything but a negative light.^{[18]
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- How to cope: Practice dealing with criticism by applying criticism to the subject, not yourself.^{[19]
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  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
  
  Go to source} For instance, perhaps someone says they don’t like how you look in a dress. Rather than taking this as a negative comment on your body, see it as a negative reaction to the dress itself.

10

You’re a people pleaser.

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You tend to compromise your own beliefs to please others. Ever since you were little, you’ve most likely strived to meet your father’s expectations. You learned to always say “yes” or “no” at the appropriate times to please him, and this tendency has followed you into adulthood.^{[20]
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Research source} You likely lean toward codependent relationships and struggle to follow your own path because of your father’s emotional abuse.^{[21]
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- How to cope: Treat yourself with respect to stop people pleasing. You are just as worthy of happiness and success as everyone else—your opinion matters too! Being authentic is important, and it’s okay if your opinion doesn’t always match everyone else’s.^{[22]
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Tips

Growing up in a narcissistic household can lead you to unconsciously develop narcissistic behaviors yourself. Reach out to a therapist or counselor for help—you can reverse your father’s negative effects on you with the proper guidance.^{[23]
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If keeping a relationship with your father does more harm than good, don’t hesitate to end it. Cut off all ties and go your own way—he doesn’t dictate your happiness.^{[24]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
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Warnings

Look for narcissistic signs in your father. Not all narcissistic fathers are the same, as narcissism is a spectrum and stems from an individual’s own lack of confidence and insecurities.^{[25]
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Research source} Your father may have shown all of the signs laid out in this article, or he may only present a few.^{[26]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

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