9 Reasons Why a Narcissist Might Cheat on Their Partner

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Why someone with NPD may cheat and how to confront them

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Ali Garbacz, B.A.

Last Updated: November 3, 2023 References

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• Reasons Why Narcissists Cheat
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• Signs a Narcissist is Cheating
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• Dealing with a Cheating Narcissist
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• Do all narcissists cheat?
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• Expert Interview
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• Warnings

|Show more |Show less

While not every single person affected by narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is guaranteed to cheat on their partner, certain traits of narcissists can make them more likely than the average person to be unfaithful. NPD is officially classified as a mental health disorder that causes people to have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance. Keep reading to learn about why narcissists may be more prone to infidelity from a psychological perspective. We’ll also give a list of signs that might indicate a cheating partner and what to do if you find yourself in this difficult situation.

Things You Should Know

• Someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) might cheat due to poor impulse control, dissatisfaction in their relationship, or low self-esteem.
• Signs that a narcissist may be cheating include long, unexplained absences, love-bombing their partner to make them feel guilty, and becoming very defensive when confronted.
• Express your thoughts and feelings clearly when confronting a narcissist and have them repeat your feelings back to you so that they’re forced to acknowledge them.

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Section 1 of 4:

Reasons Why Narcissists Cheat

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   They’re looking for attention. One of the common traits of someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is their unreasonably high sense of self-importance. They often feel like they deserve a lot of attention and admiration, and they might turn to infidelity in order to satisfy this desire.

   • In the initial stage of a relationship with a person affected by NPD, an individual might feel like they’re on an emotional high and can begin to idealize their partner.
   • A narcissist may crave more of this feeling of being idolized by their partner, so they might turn to cheating in order to get more of that rush.
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   They may lack empathy toward their partner. Someone with NPD usually finds it difficult to empathize with others and may not feel guilty even if they hurt someone. If they cheat, they may not acknowledge how their actions are hurting their partner or feel any remorse for their behavior. To someone with NPD, their partner may simply be a means to have their needs met.

   • A narcissist might purposefully ignore a person’s feelings in order to hurt them. But in most cases, someone with NPD is simply oblivious to others’ emotions.
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   They have difficulty controlling their impulses. Narcissists can act impulsively with the sole purpose of having their needs met. Whether this is to receive praise and recognition from others or assert their superiority over someone, someone affected by NPD might engage in risky or even harmful behaviors in order to get what they want. This includes cheating on their partner.

   • Some people with NPD have difficulty with self-regulation when making decisions. This can lead to them engaging in risky behaviors, such as gambling, dangerous driving, or even substance abuse.
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   They may feel dissatisfied with their current relationship. Once the initial euphoria of a relationship begins to fade away, a narcissist might become bored with their partner and go out in search of someone else. To someone with NPD, chasing after a partner might be more exciting than being in a long-term relationship.

   • Research suggests that, in general, narcissists tend to have relationships that aren’t as warm, caring, or satisfying as a typical healthy relationship.
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   They might think the rules don’t apply to them. Narcissists tend to think of themselves as being superior to others, and they may feel like they deserve special treatment and privileges. A narcissist might think of themselves as being above the rules that govern “regular” people and so may do things that others deem to be socially unacceptable. Unfortunately, cheating on their partner can fall into this category.

   • If a narcissist desires to feel special, they might think that remaining in one relationship makes them less unique, so they may cheat as a way to make themselves feel superior.
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   They feel like they need to be in control. It’s not uncommon to see narcissists manipulate and take advantage of others in order to create a situation that satisfies their needs and allows them to remain on top. If they’re feeling insecure in their relationship, they may cheat on their partner and manipulate another person into loving them because it makes them feel powerful.

   • A narcissist’s need for control may be due to underlying feelings of inferiority. In order to get rid of the anxiety and stress they may feel, they might do whatever they can to manipulate a situation and make themselves look better.
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   They might think they can get away with cheating. Someone with NPD might often fall into fantasies that revolve around them being more superior, powerful, and intelligent than others. Because of this, a narcissist might start to view themselves as invincible. Even if they’re acting extremely risky by cheating on their partner, they might believe that they can easily get away with it and come out unscathed.
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   They may be suffering from low self-esteem. Beneath their grandiose and self-indulging behavior, someone with NPD might actually feel incredibly insecure about themselves. In order to combat these negative feelings, they might cheat on their partner in order to gain some of the admiration and praise they desire.

   • Someone who grew up in a neglectful or abusive household runs the risk of developing NPD. This trauma may have left them with low self-esteem that they try to compensate for with narcissistic behaviors.
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   They might be afraid of intimacy. It’s important to keep in mind that people with NPD may also be struggling with their own internal battles. In some cases, a narcissist may desire an intimate relationship, but they might fear appearing vulnerable and having to be more emotionally intimate. Therefore, they may resort to cheating as a means to keep their relationships surface-level.

   • One research study found that people with NPD who also possess a preoccupied attachment style (defined as a strong desire for intimacy) were more likely to cheat.
   • This may be due to their fear of appearing vulnerable despite how they wish to be more intimate with their partner.
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs a Narcissist is Cheating

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   They suddenly shower you with gifts and affection. This is also known as “love bombing,” and it’s a tactic a narcissist might use to maintain their control. If they sense you’re catching on to what they’re doing, they might try to distract you by buying you lots of nice things and being extra affectionate for a brief period of time.

   • Their goal might be to get you to feel guilty about having doubts about them or influence your thoughts by giving you nice things.
   • Love bombing is one form of emotional abuse that helps someone establish control and power over another person.
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   They get defensive when you bring up their behavior. Some people with NPD can become aggressive when they’re confronted or called out on their behavior. If you go to confront your partner about them possibly cheating on you, they may become angry and make belittling comments toward you as they deny the accusation. It’s possible that they may lash out suddenly out of anger and even resort to verbal abuse such as name-calling.

   • They may also try to get revenge on you for accusing them of cheating, such as starting rumors about you.
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   They accuse you of having an affair. When a narcissist feels cornered, they might project their behavior onto you in an attempt to make you feel guilty. For example, if you ask them if they’re cheating on you, they might try to reverse the situation and accuse you of being unfaithful.

   • Or, they might try to make you feel guilty by claiming you don’t love or trust them.
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   They make excuses for their actions. Unfortunately, narcissists are often reluctant to take responsibility and own up to their mistakes. Instead, they might come up with a handful of excuses in an attempt to shift the blame onto someone or something else. It’s not uncommon for someone with NPD to try and play the victim even when they’re clearly in the wrong.

   • For example, they might try to justify their actions by saying they’ve been under a lot of stress at work and needed an outlet for their frustration.
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   They disappear without an explanation. If your partner is cheating on you, there might be more than a couple of instances when you’re not entirely sure where they are or what they’re doing. They may ignore your text messages asking where they are, or they might give a very vague explanation about what they’re up to.

   • Lying and gaslighting are manipulative tactics that someone with NPD is more likely to use. Gaslighting is when they say things to make you doubt yourself and what you know.
   • For example, they might say something like, “I know for a fact that I told you I’d be with a friend. Do you not remember?”
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   They seem less committed to your relationship. They might change or cancel plans with you often, and you might feel like your relationship isn’t as big of a priority to them as it is to you. Or, you might notice that they avoid putting a label on your relationship or talking about things that require more commitment, like moving in together.

   • You might also notice that they get distracted by other people when you’re together. While you may be physically together, it may seem like they’re not really focused on you.
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   They behave suspiciously online. Whenever they see you coming, you might notice that they quickly close out of their browser or turn off their phone so you can’t see it. Another sign is if they have multiple email or social media accounts that you’ve seen them use to talk to other people. If they deny any of this behavior, it’s rational to be at least a little suspicious.

   • Another sign would be if you notice them getting texts or calls from a strange number.
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   They spend a lot of money on mysterious things. If you notice a lot of receipts for purchases you’ve never seen, it might be a sign that your partner is cheating. Of course, buying small things like groceries and other essential items isn’t usually anything to be too concerned about, but if you see bills for particularly extravagant gifts, like jewelry, it’s probably okay to be a bit suspicious—especially if you know the gifts weren’t meant for you.

   • Also, look to see if they’re spending more money on gas and cranking up the mileage in their car.
   • If you know that they just go to work and come home but suddenly have added a couple of thousand miles to their vehicle, it might be worth questioning their whereabouts.
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Section 3 of 4:

How to Deal with a Cheating Narcissist

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   Gather facts and evidence about their behavior. Even if you feel pretty certain about what your partner is up to, take time to go through the facts and gather up tangible evidence that proves they’re being unfaithful. When confronting a narcissist, evidence is especially important since they may purposefully lie about the situation or try to gaslight you. Having physical evidence gives them little room to deny the truth.

   • To catch someone who’s cheating online, check their browser history to look for suspicious activity and take note of any suspicious texts or emails they receive.
   • Pay attention to their body language to help tell whether they’re cheating on you. Things like avoiding eye contact and being fidgety are some suspicious signs.
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   Decide if it’s worth continuing your relationship. There are many reasons why you might choose to end or continue your relationship. If their infidelity is something you can’t see yourself ever forgiving, you might find it best to end this toxic relationship. However, if you believe you can both work to make improvements to your relationship, you might consider staying. Make a pros and cons list and consider all of your options.

   • Talk to your friends and family for guidance and hear what they have to say. Even if you don’t agree completely, it might help to get an outside perspective.
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   Take time to calm down before talking to them. Before you go and confront your partner, take some time to reflect on your emotions and calm down. If you go to talk to them when you’re angry or upset, you run the risk of escalating the situation even further or making a decision you might later regret. Oftentimes, narcissists are looking for a big reaction from you, so they might purposefully try to aggravate you. If you don’t give them the reaction they expect, they may back down.

   • Do some breathing exercises to help you calm down or get out of the house and go for a walk to clear your head.
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   Plan where and how to confront them for your safety. Though every person is different, some people with NPD can become aggressive or even violent when you confront them. Plan to talk to them in a public space in case the situation escalates. Another idea is to have friends or family nearby ready to step in if things become too confrontational. Do your best to remain calm throughout your discussion, but if you notice signs of them becoming agitated, remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible.

   • Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to get immediate help if the situation turns violent.
   • Another option is to have your discussion in a therapist’s office. Attending couples counseling will give you a safe space to speak honestly while a therapist mediates the conversation.
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   Focus on communicating your feelings clearly. When communicating your thoughts and feelings to someone with NPD, keep in mind that it may be difficult to get them to see things from your point of view. Oftentimes, narcissists are unable or unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, so talking to them about how you feel can be hard. However, it’s important that you stay strong. State your intentions clearly and use “I” language to express yourself in an assertive way.

   • Have the other person repeat your feelings back to you as you talk. This forces them to acknowledge your feelings and might help them better understand your perspective.
   • Avoid focusing too much on their behavior. Instead, put more emphasis on what you want and stick to your “I” statements.
   • For example, instead of saying, “You ruined our relationship,” say, “I felt extremely hurt by your actions and don’t wish to continue this relationship.”
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   Set boundaries with clear consequences. If you decide to stay in the relationship, establish clear boundaries about what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable. Make sure that these boundaries also have consequences that you’re willing to act upon if your partner breaks them. Examples of consequences would be things like moving out, telling more people about your situation, breaking up, or monitoring their activity more closely.

   • An example boundary is something like having your partner explicitly tell you if the person they cheated with attempts to contact them.
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   See a therapist if you think you need more support. If you’re having difficulty dealing with the aftermath of your partner’s cheating, it could be beneficial to get counseling and talk to a professional about your thoughts and feelings. Another option is to attend couples counseling with your partner so that you can work through the issue in a neutral and safe environment.

   • Use a service like BetterHelp to find a licensed therapist near you.
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Section 4 of 4:

Do all narcissists cheat?

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1. 
   Narcissists are more likely to cheat, but not all do. Due to their need for attention and praise as well as their inflated sense of self-importance, someone with NPD is more likely than the average person to cheat on their partner. However, just because someone has NPD doesn’t mean they’re definitely going to cheat. In addition to that, not all narcissists act the same, and some may be more prone to infidelity than others. The types of narcissists include:

   • Grandiose (overt) narcissist: Overt narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-image and very high self-esteem. They’re often extroverted but also can be uncooperative, selfish, and very assertive. They’re more likely to partake in risky behaviors and cheat on their partner.
   • Vulnerable (covert) narcissist: These types of narcissists are usually introverted. Due to low self-esteem, they can be very passive-aggressive and defensive.
   • Communal narcissist: Communal narcissists think of themselves as altruists and act very selflessly and supportive around others. However, they’re often motivated by a desire for power and superiority over others.
   • Antagonistic narcissist: Antagonistic narcissists are highly competitive. They often believe that every situation has a clear “loser” or “winner” and so are usually very hostile and aggressive towards others.
   • Malignant narcissist: On top of the other common signs of narcissism, a malignant narcissist can be very aggressive or paranoid, and they may take joy in causing other people pain. They also might exhibit antisocial behaviors and disregard others’ rights and safety. They may be more likely to cheat in order to hurt their partner.

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Warnings

• Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health disorder. If you think someone you know may be affected by this disorder, talk to a mental health professional as soon as possible to discuss treatment.
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• If you are in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to get immediate help.
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