How to Start a Conversation With a Girl You Don't Know: 11 Expert-Backed Tips

How to start texting a girl and make a connection

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Bertha Isabel Crombet, PhD

Last Updated: October 1, 2025 Fact Checked

Texting a girl you barely know is enough to make anyone a little nervous. Whether you got her number from a friend or a dating app, we’re here to show you how to put your best foot forward so she's comfortable chatting with you. We'll walk you through the do's and don'ts of texting a girl you don't know very well so you can spark her interest, with expert insights from dating coaches.

Tips for Texting a Girl You Don’t Know Well

Dating coach John Keegan says to introduce yourself in your initial text. Mention the reason you’re texting her, lead with humor, and connect over common interests you share. Ask interesting, open-ended questions and pay her a genuine compliment. Don't come off too strong, but don't wait too long to ask her to meet IRL.

1

Introduce yourself in your initial text.

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Keep your first text short, sweet, and simple. She probably doesn't recognize your number, so it really helps if you casually tell her who you are. If she gave you her number in person, you could also mention where you met. This also gives her something to build the conversation off of.
- Keegan encourages you to let her know exactly why you were drawn to her and wanted to reach out, whether you saw her “on a dating app, on Instagram, or if they’re a friend of a friend, tell them.” He says to avoid generic openers, and instead suggests you say something specific, like, “Hey, I kind of stumbled onto your pictures, and I really love the aesthetic of your Instagram. So, I wanted to say hi.”^{[1]
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- For instance, text, "Hey, Charlotte! This is Alex from the arcade." If you just got matched with her on a dating site and she knows it, you could send something playful like, "Hi Emilia, guess who? It's Jake—we just got matched."^{[2]
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Meet the wikiHow Experts

John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker with over 15 years of professional experience.

Hardy Jean is a dating coach specializing in trauma healing, self-love practices, and modern dating tactics in an increasingly virtual world.

Christina Jay, NLP, is a matchmaker and certified life coach with over 10 years of experience.

2

Text with a purpose.

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Avoid sending her a message that just says, "Hey." She'll probably think this is lazy and you don't know what to say to her. Chances are she'll be impressed if you take the lead and mention the reason you're texting—you want to get to know her better or take her out!^{[3]
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- Life coach and matchmaker Christina Jay, NLP, believes that directness is key when demonstrating interest via text: “I think the sooner you ask someone out the better it is, where you can go from online to offline.”^{[4]
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- Jay adds that you need to quickly figure out if you have that “in-person chemistry.”^{[5]
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- Don't be afraid to be assertive. Instead of sending a vague, "Hi" or "Hey" text, you could say, "Hi, we met at the bookstore. Care to meet for coffee sometime?" This cuts right to the chase and she can either agree or politely refuse.

3

Draw her into a conversation.

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Say something unique or surprising to get her interested. For instance, text, "Have you ever heard this song?" or "Do you know the best thing about living in this town?" To spark her curiosity, text, "Do you know what I found most interesting about your profile?" She'll probably have a really hard time ignoring a text like that because she genuinely wants to know!^{[6]
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- Dating coach Hardy Jean suggests starting off with humor and lighthearted conversation before diving deeper. “I think early on, texting funny things first is a great way to really break the ice and then slowly build up into more emotional things,” he remarks.^{[7]
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- If you got her number in person, you might mention that she said something interesting that you've been thinking about. Use that to start an engaging conversation with her. For instance, text, "I've been thinking about that book you mentioned the other day."

4

Pay her a compliment.

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This is a pretty standard way to start texting a girl you don't know well. While it's totally fine to compliment her, try to be specific so it feels genuine. For instance, she may not warm up to a generic, "Hey, beautiful," but if you tell her you like the freckles she's got on her cheeks, she'll probably think you're more sincere or interested in her.^{[8]
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- If you know her even a little bit, Keegan says to compliment her personality instead of her looks.^{[9]
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  Expert Interview} Something like, “I think your real charm is your spirit,” reinforces and validates a good quality about her.
- It might be tricky to compliment her if you've never met, so find something you like about her profile to mention.
  - For instance, you could say, "I love your sense of adventure," if she shared how she likes to skydive. You might say, "From your profile picture, it looks like you have an amazing fashion sense," or, "I love how your profile pic is black and white—it looks timeless."

5

Text about common interests.

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Connect over something you both like or enjoy. For instance, maybe you both like similar bands, and you could text about an upcoming concert. If you met her briefly and you got her number, refer back to the experience. This gives you a great jumping-off point for a conversation. Keegan offers an example: “If you met in real life at a coffee shop, you might [text her] her name, an exclamation point, and then say you know something like, ‘Hi, so, what's your coffee order?’”^{[10]
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- You can also say, "Hey, I really liked the food from that cart we met at. Want to try another food cart together?" or, "If you like that podcast I mentioned, I've got a few more suggestions you might really like."^{[11]
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- Jean states common ground breeds rapport, explaining, “It creates a semblance of safety and people are typically more willing to open up to someone if they feel as if they share common passions, viewpoints, and other views.”^{[12]
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6

Ask open-ended questions.

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Get the conversation going by asking for her opinion. Since you don't know her well, stick to lighthearted questions. Find out what she likes, hopes for, or hates. To draw her out, don't just ask "yes-or-no" questions since you want to get to know her. If you haven’t gotten a chance to build up a ton of rapport, Keegan suggests the following: “If [you met her] on social media, you might take one of her recent pictures and say, “I love the shoes you’re wearing here. Do you know about vintage Jordans? Where's your favorite place to shop?” Keegan reminds us that open-ended questions can still be “simple” and “lighthearted.”^{[13]
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- You might ask, "What's your favorite scary movie?" "Is there somewhere you want to travel one day?"

7

Say something that makes you stand out.

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Spark her curiosity about you by texting something creative or original. Instead of going with really standard conversation starters like "What do you do?" or "What do you study?" you might text her a picture of something you saw on a walk—then follow it with a text like, "Can you guess where I am?" or "Have you ever seen this spot in the city?"^{[14]
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- Keegan advises that you circle back to interesting subjects you’ve already discussed. For example, if you had been chatting about a specific artist, say, “Here's a link to the artist’s exhibit— they’re coming to our city!” This shows thoughtfulness, initiative, and purpose.^{[15]
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- Reader Poll: We asked 219 wikiHow readers if they like being sent memes 83% said yes. [Take Poll] You heard it here first—it turns out that a majority of people really like receiving your favorite memes and funny TikToks, so this is a good strategy to use when you want to stand out over text.

8

Keep your texts lighthearted and casual.

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Let's be honest—you'll come off a little strong with a heavy text. Skip saying really provocative things since you may frighten her off! Instead, keep things fun and positive.^{[16]
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Research source} She'll be more likely to engage if you've got a relatable personality. Keegan advises that you “avoid hot button topics” like “Who did you vote for?” These could “take the conversation in a heavy direction.”^{[17]
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- For instance, instead of texting her something dramatic like, "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen—if you don't say "yes" to a date, I don't know what I'll do with myself," send a light text like, "Are you a fan of BBQ? There's a fantastic food cart downtown. Want to try it out?"

9

Relax and be yourself.

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But, hey, it's probably strange for her too! Remind yourself that the more you get to know each other, the more comfortable you'll be, so don't give up. Just be your genuine self and try to relax.^{[18]
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10

Ask her out if you want to go on a date.

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Don't be afraid to make a move if you think she's interested. If you're enjoying your conversation with the girl, ask her out! After all, if you're hitting it off over texts, you may really enjoy each other's company. Jay recommends saying something like, “Would you like to go out for dinner on such and such a day? I'd really like to meet you in person.”^{[19]
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Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Interview}
- Need some texting ideas? Say, "Hey, have you ever gotten coffee from that new place? Want to try it with me sometime?" or, "It would be great to meet up in person. Are you free this weekend?"^{[20]
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- It's totally fine to feel nervous—just remind yourself that she's probably a little anxious too.

11

Give her time to respond.

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Yes, it's hard to wait for her to text back, but play it cool. After all, you have no idea if she's busy, her phone's not charged, or she's thinking about what to text back. Instead of obsessing over it, take a deep breath and try to be patient.^{[21]
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- Don't keep texting her constantly until you've gotten a response back.^{[22]
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- If she says yes to a date, great! You can text details back to get it set up. If she's not into the idea, no problem. You can thank her for being honest with you and move on.

Join the Discussion...

What should I text a girl I like

WikiFoxChaser795

Hey there everyone! I’m just going to cut right to the chase: I suck at talking to girls over text. I feel like I’m pretty good at chatting IRL where I can read the other person’s body language and tone, but over text I’ve been told I’m staler than an old breadstick. I’m just not good at texting. I just got the number of a girl I think I’m into but I really don’t want to drop the ball when I hit her up. Give me your best topics, convo starters, or lines!

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How do I ask a girl to go out with me?

Lillyanna Brown

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Ask when she is free to go on a date. keep consent open and make her feel safe.

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How can I keep the conversation going with the girl if I'm texting her for the first time and we've never met after I have introduced myself?

Lillyanna Brown

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Ask her questions about herself. Make sure not to come on too strong, keep things casual and comfortable.

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