Telling Your Friend You're Gay & You Have Feelings For Them

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Expert tips on how to navigate this sensitive situation

Co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW and Bertha Isabel Crombet, PhD

Last Updated: September 2, 2025 Fact Checked

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Coming Out

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What To Consider

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Confessing Your Feelings

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Video

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Expert Q&A

So, you’ve recently had an epiphany: you’ve fallen in love with your friend. It's natural that you want to be honest with your friend about your sexuality and your romantic feelings, but this can be a scary situation because you cherish their friendship and have no idea how they'll react. Keep reading if you want to figure out how to come out to your friend and confess your feelings for them, with expert advice from psychologists and relationship coaches.

How to Tell Your Friend You’re Gay and Like Them

According to psychologist Lauren Urban, LCSW, make sure you have a good understanding of your sexuality and who you are. Come out to your friend and gauge their reaction. Depending on that, decide if and when to tell them you're in love with them. Be patient with their response and make peace with whatever happens.

Section 1 of 3:

Coming Out to Your Friend

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Explore your identity and keep in mind that the first step in coming out and telling your friend that you love them is being comfortable with your own feelings. Because of societal pressures and expectations related to sexual orientation and gender identity, this isn’t always an easy process. Work on getting more comfortable in your own skin so that you can be strong and confident when you come out.

Meet the wikiHow Experts

Lauren Urban, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals.

Mark Rosenfeld is a dating and relationship coach with 10 years of experience specializing in helping women find, attract, and keep extraordinary relationships.

Kateri Berasi, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience in the mental health field.
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Choose the right time and place. Consider how you would like to come out to your friend. Would you rather tell your friend individually in a private setting or tell your friend group at the same time? Think about places you’d be comfortable telling your friend. Consider a place or activity you both enjoy; for example, getting coffee, playing tennis, taking a walk or while at your favorite pizza place.
- Urban says, “There’s no perfect time to do anything.” She adds that she prefers ripping off the band-aid: “Just say it, and you can fix it later, there’s always time to repair, or to go back and say it more eloquently, but it’s important to get that initial shock out of the way.”^{[1]
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Tell your friend about your sexuality. Come out to your friend before revealing your romantic feelings for them. Give them a few weeks to process this news first. Do your best to speak clearly, even though you might be nervous. It might be more stressful to have to repeat yourself!
- It is best to just come right out and say: “Matt, I’m gay” or “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay.”
- Give your friend enough time to ask questions and respond to you. Make sure they’re able to focus on what you’re saying to them. For example, you might not want to tell them between classes or if they are running late for an appointment.
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Pay attention to their reaction. This can help you decide if you want to move forward in sharing your romantic feelings later on. They may be happy for you, freaked out, or somewhere in between. They may be shocked or not surprised at all. You really won’t know for sure until you tell them.
- Answer any questions they have. They may ask you how long you’ve known, if you’ve told anyone else, how you’re feeling, or how they can help you. Be honest and open with your friend.
- Your friend may need a little time to accept the news, which is normal. Urban shares that “coming out is a process,” and that “people’s understanding of your coming out is going to be a process, too.”^{[2]
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- If your friend gets angry or upset, you could say, “I’m sorry this has made you upset. I hope you can support me anyway. This is who I am.”
- If they’re not supportive and continue to remain unsupportive, you may not want to continue the friendship or pursue any romantic feelings you have for them.
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Consider coming out to other people in your life (if you haven’t already). Urban notes the importance of having the support of a community when coming out: “Finding a community and grounding yourself in a supportive community is one of the biggest ways that you can take care of yourself while you’re coming out.”^{[3]
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Expert Interview} Pick a few people you know and feel comfortable with to tell first. Above all, make sure to go at your own pace and always do what is best for you during this time.^{[4]
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- Urban explains that it’s more about them “turning their minds toward acceptance and openness than it is about you.” She adds you also need to accept that “your families are who they are [...] and they’re going to change in their time.”^{[5]
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- Urban advises that you need to “let them come around” and emphasizes the fact that “there’s nothing wrong with you.”^{[6]
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Gay?

How do you know if you’re gay? There’s a whole spectrum of romantic and sexual orientation, and ultimately, you get to choose whatever label feels right. We’ve created this quiz to help you explore how you feel about your sexuality and start to find some answers within yourself.

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Have you ever had feelings for a same-gender close friend?

I think so. That’s why I’m taking this quiz.

Wait, what’s the difference between friendship and a crush?

Don’t think so, but we’re so close people joke that we’re dating.

Nope. We’re just friends.

Section 2 of 3:

Considering Your Friend’s Receptiveness

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1
Talk to someone you trust about your plans to reveal your feelings. Ask for your friend/mentor’s perspective on the situation, and what they would do if they were in your shoes. You could ask, “What would you do if you were gay and had a crush on your friend?” If you and your confidant have this friend in common, he or she may be able to help you figure out how your crush will take the news.
- For example, you might say to a mutual friend, “I think I have feelings for Tom. I really want to tell him, because we’re such great friends, and I think we would be such a good couple. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What do you think? You’ve known him as long as I have, and I’d appreciate your point of view.”
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Observe your relationship with your friend before sharing your feelings. After you tell your friend you’re gay, pay close attention to their behavior. Keep in mind that their initial behavior towards you may not be their genuine feelings towards you, especially if your announcement was a shock to them. You may want to wait a period of weeks or months before you take the next step. Dating and relationship coach Mark Rosenfeld advises spending some one-on-one time with them to get a read on their feelings.^{[7]
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- Watch their body language around you. If they are leaning towards you, smiling, or even acting flirtatiously toward you, they may be receptive to your feelings.
- Conversely, if you find them moving away from you or not making eye contact, they still may be adjusting to you telling them you’re gay. You may want to wait a bit longer, or not say anything at all.
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Factor in your friend’s sexuality. If you know for a fact that your friend is straight or has another sexuality that is not compatible with yours, it might not be worth the risk of ruining a friendship by sharing your feelings. Licensed clinical psychologist Kateri Berasi, PsyD says, “It can be helpful to have general discussions with [your friend] about sexuality and desire as a starting point.” She explains that this can help them “become aware that you are interested in same-sex relationships and/or sexual activity, and hopefully, you can get a better sense of their own interest.”^{[8]
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- “If, after such conversations, you still don’t have an idea of whom they are attracted to, be honest and open up about your interest, trusting that the strength of your friendship will help you work through any difficulties that may arise,” Dr. Berasi remarks.^{[9]
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Envision different outcomes before making a final decision. Think about the potential outcomes and how you would react to each of them. Also consider how you would feel if you decided to keep your feelings about your friend to yourself. Your friend may respond warmly to your announcement but not be interested in having a romantic relationship. Would you be able to handle still remaining friends, knowing it will not go any further?
- According to Rosenfeld, “There's no way to truly tell someone that you're into them without risking the friendship; there's always going to be a risk.”^{[10]
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- You may want to imagine your worst-case scenario, and determine if revealing your feelings is worth the risk of a negative outcome: ruining your friendship or your friend gossiping about you, for example.
- Think about your friendship. Do you think your friend would still be friends with you if you said you were in love with them? Would it be okay if you disclosed your feelings? Would you begin a romantic relationship with your friend, even though it risks a breakup down the road?
- Reader Poll: We asked 793 wikiHow readers who've told their friend they have a crush on them, and 55% of them agreed that their goal in doing so is to see if there’s a chance for a romantic relationship. [Take Poll] Consider if this is worth the possibility of your friendship changing before making your decision.

Section 3 of 3:

Confessing Your Feelings to Your Friend

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Have your conversation in person if at all possible. It is easier to determine their reaction than via phone or text. Do not talk to your friend while you are intoxicated. It might feel easier, but your friend will not take you seriously. You could also consider writing your friend a letter to express your feelings, if you are too nervous to do it in person.
Share your history and your friend’s importance in your life. Help your friend to understand where your feelings come from. You could say, “We’ve been friends for a long time. Your friendship means so much to me, and I can’t thank you enough for supporting me after I came out. We have so much fun together, and I really enjoy being with you.”
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Confess your romantic feelings to your friend. Let your friend know that you are in love with them (or have a crush on them, if that’s what you prefer). Acknowledge that this might be awkward or uncomfortable for them. For example, “I am in love with you. I know you might think this is really weird, but I want to be honest about my feelings for you.”
- You could say, “I have wanted to tell you for a long time, even before you knew I was gay, but I waited because I didn’t want to drop all these bombshells on you at once. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I also decided I wanted to be honest with you.”
- Express how sharing your feelings makes you feel. You could say, “I am so scared to tell you this because I am scared you don’t feel the same way, and that I am ruining our friendship by sharing this with you.”
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Be patient with your friend’s response. Your friend might be surprised and not know what to say in the moment. That’s normal! Let them know it’s okay if they don’t want to say anything right now and they can take time to think about it.
- You could say, “I’m sure that was really overwhelming to hear. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now. But I would like to know what you think.”
- Keep in mind that your friend may never respond directly about their feelings for you. They might not feel the same way, or they are confused, or they are uncomfortable. If so, let it go and move on. You said what you needed to say, and the ball is in your friend’s court.
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Make peace with whatever happens. Be proud of yourself for sharing your feelings. Telling a crush you like them is a big deal no matter what, because you have made yourself vulnerable and shared a very deep part of who you are with them. It takes a lot of bravery to do this, so hats off to you!
- Give your friend some distance if your announcement did not go over well, and accept that it’s what they need to do right now.
- Your friendship may or may not rebound from the pronouncement of your feelings. If your friend does not want a romantic relationship, it may take time before things feel “normal” again between the two of you.
- If your friend is not interested, you may find yourself moving on anyway. Once you get this off your chest, you may feel freer to pursue other romantic opportunities. You may be less heartbroken than you think!

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you tell someone you are gay?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist and the owner of Psychobabble Therapy based in Brooklyn, New York. With over 16 years of therapy experience, Lauren has worked with children, families, couples, and individuals, providing an anti-oppressive, identity-affirming space. Lauren is also a certified hypnotherapist at Moon & Key Hypnosis and the co-founder of Get Right Wellness Collective. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

There are no right or wrong ways to come out. Some people prefer coming out to their friends and family all at once, while other people prefer coming out individually to each friend and member of their family. Choose whichever method you personally feel most comfortable with!

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Question

How do you build up the courage to come out?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist and the owner of Psychobabble Therapy based in Brooklyn, New York. With over 16 years of therapy experience, Lauren has worked with children, families, couples, and individuals, providing an anti-oppressive, identity-affirming space. Lauren is also a certified hypnotherapist at Moon & Key Hypnosis and the co-founder of Get Right Wellness Collective. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Talk to someone who's supportive or someone you know who's already out of the closet. Rely on them for comfort and advice to help you feel more confident. Remember, you can do this on your own terms, so don't feel pressured to tell someone until you're ready.

Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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