How to Support Someone with an Eating Disorder

Co-authored by Mindy Lu, LMHC, CN

Last Updated: June 6, 2025

• Expressing Your Concerns
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• Providing Ongoing Support
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• Avoiding Common Pitfalls
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• Expert Q&A
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• Tips

|Show more |Show less

If you have a friend or loved one who is afflicted by an eating disorder, it’s normal to want to help them. Start by telling them that you are worried about them and encouraging them to seek professional help. You can also help someone with an eating disorder by continuing to involve them and communicating with them regularly. There are also some common pitfalls that you may want to avoid since saying or doing certain things can make matters worse. However, if you approach the situation with compassion and patience, you may be able to help your loved one start down the road to recovery.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Expressing Your Concerns

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   Choose a convenient time to talk with the person. Make sure that you will have privacy, time, and a calm state of mind when you talk with the person. Avoid talking when you might be interrupted or when one or both of you are in a hurry or feeling stressed. Try making arrangements with the person to meet up at a time and place that will allow you to talk.

   • For example, you might say something like, “Deanna, I was hoping we could talk about something. Can you meet me after school at the café?”
   • Or, you could text them something like, “Hey, Charlie! We haven’t talked in a while and I have something really important I need to ask you about. Can we meet up at my apartment sometime this weekend?”
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   Say what you are worried about using “I” language. Starting off with “you” can put the person on the defensive immediately, so avoid starting this way. Instead, focus on starting each sentence with “I” and expressing your concerns from the position of how you feel.

   • For example, you might open with something like, “I am worried about you. I have noticed that you don’t eat lunch most days and I’m scared that you might have an eating disorder.”
   • Or, you could say something like, “I care about you, and I am concerned about your well-being. I’ve noticed that you are much thinner than you used to be and it seems unhealthy. I want to help if I can.”
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   Listen closely to their response and be prepared for denial. Once you have shared your concerns with them, give them a chance to respond. Listen closely to them and demonstrate that you’re listening, such as by facing them, making eye contact, and nodding your head. Repeat what they say back to them now and then to ensure that you are understanding them.

   • Asking questions to clarify what they say can also be helpful. For example, you could say something like, “It sounds like this all started when you were in high school. Is that right?”
   • Or, you could say, “What did you mean when you said you felt frustrated and stopped eating?”
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   Ask the person if anything would motivate them to seek help. It’s important for the person to be personally motivated to seek help for an eating disorder or they are unlikely to improve. You can help them to identify their motivation by asking questions. Ask them if they can think of anything that would motivate them or ask if specific things might motivate them if you have some ideas.

   • For example, you could say something like, “What might motivate you to seek help?” or “Your eating disorder has made it harder for you to do things you used to enjoy, like rock-climbing and going on long hikes. Wouldn’t you like it if you could do those things again?”

   Tip: Remember that you cannot make someone get better. The person has to want it for themselves. If your friend or loved one doesn’t want help, you cannot force them.
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   Encourage the person to see a doctor to begin treatment. As much as you may want to help the person yourself, it’s important to remember that eating disorders require a combination of medical and psychiatric treatment. They are complex and often difficult to treat, so it is important that your friend or loved one sees a doctor as soon as possible to get started. Encourage them to do so and offer to make the appointment for them and even go along with them if it will help.

   • For example, you could say something like, “I’d like to help you find a doctor who you trust and who can help you get better. Would it be okay if I did a little research and made an appointment for you?”
   • Or, you could say, “I know that getting treatment for an eating disorder is important and I’d like to help you get started. Can I call your doctor and set something up for you?”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Providing Ongoing Support

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   Say you’re willing to listen if they want to talk. Although you might feel like it’s a given, telling the person that you are willing to listen if they ever want to talk may help them feel comfortable opening up to you. Otherwise, they might be worried they will be bothering you by sharing about what they’re going through.

   • Try saying something like, “Hey, Gina. I just wanted to let you know that I am here if you ever need someone to talk to.”
   • Once your friend opens up to you about their eating disorder, ask them what you can do to support them.

   Tip: Be careful not to pressure the person to talk. If they don’t feel comfortable talking yet, they may need more time to process what they are experiencing.
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   Compliment them and tell them how much you appreciate them. Complimenting the person can help to improve their self-esteem, but make sure to avoid complimenting them on their appearance alone. Try to focus your compliments on the qualities that you admire in the person, such as their great sense of humor, their kindness, or their intelligence.

   • Try saying something like, “I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t around to make me laugh. You’re the funniest person I know!” or you could say, “You are such a kind and caring person. Thank you for always being there for me!”
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   Invite them to do things with you as you normally would. If the person is someone you normally spend time with, continue to spend time with them as you have in the past. Invite them to go out with you and other people and continue to stay in touch with them. Avoid excluding them from things after learning about their eating disorder as well.

   • For example, if you often go out to dinner with the person and a group of other friends, continue to invite them to do this.
4. 
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   Share with them if you’ve been through something similar. If you have struggled with an eating disorder yourself, telling the person about it may help them to feel less alone. Avoid making comparisons between your experience and theirs. Share honestly about what happened to you while also acknowledging that their experience is unique.

   • For example, you might say something like, “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I did struggle with an eating disorder while I was in college. I had to be hospitalized and go to an in-patient treatment center for a month. It was a very difficult time.”
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   Call, write, or visit them if they need to undergo in-patient treatment. If the person has to spend time at an in-patent treatment center or if they are hospitalized for issues stemming from their eating disorder, try to stay in touch with them, such as by calling or writing them. If you would like to visit the person, make sure to ask them first to see if it is okay. Check with the treatment center as well to find out about their policies.

   • Even sending a get-well-soon card can be a great way to let the person know that you are thinking about them. Try including a note that reads something like, “Sarah, I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. I’m thinking about you and I hope you get better soon! Love, Debbie.”
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

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   Avoid giving them advice, blaming them, or criticizing them. Putting the person down either indirectly or directly can be a major blow to their self-esteem and it may also cause them to shut down on you. Don’t offer simple solutions, call them names, or criticize them for their behavior.

   • For example, if the person has binge-eating disorder, don’t tell them to “Just eat less” or “Count calories” as solutions to their eating disorder. It’s not that simple.

   Tip: Remember that an eating disorder is not about the food. Avoid downplaying the seriousness of the problem as this can be extremely upsetting to the person.
2. 
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   Don’t give them ultimatums or try to force them to change. Threatening a loved one or friend with action if they do not seek help or stop engaging in disordered eating patterns could make matters much worse. The person may become angry with you or their eating disorder may become worse as a result of the stress that an ultimatum may cause. Be kind and supportive of your loved one instead.

   • If you find yourself getting frustrated by your friend or loved one’s eating disorder, talk with a therapist. They can help you to find healthy ways of coping with these frustrations and provide suggestions for how to interact with them.
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   Steer clear of comments about the person’s body. It may seem like reassuring someone that they are not fat or that they look great could help them, but this is often not the case with people who have eating disorders. Commenting on their body could cause the person to become more self-conscious and intensify their eating disorder.

   • Instead of commenting on the person’s body, try to focus on their health. For example, if the person has been more energetic since beginning treatment, you might say something like, “Wow! You seem so energetic! How do you feel?”
   • Or, if the person looks healthier since starting treatment, you could say something like, “Your complexion is glowing! What’s your secret?”
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   Expect recovery to take a long time. There may be a long, rocky road ahead for your friend or family member as they work towards recovery from an eating disorder. People sometimes go through periods of relapse along the way, which may result in the person engaging in unhealthy behaviors again. Be patient with the person and continue to support them through their recovery, which could take months or even years.

   • Make sure that you take care of yourself while you support your friend. Do things that you enjoy and devote time to relaxation every day.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do you encourage someone to eat?

  

  Mindy Lu, LMHC, CN
  Certified Nutritionist & Licensed Counselor

  Mindy Lu is a Certified Nutritionist (CN), Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), and the Clinical Director of Sunrise Nutrition, a nutrition and therapy group practice in Seattle, Washington. Mindy specializes in eating disorders, body image concerns, and chronic dieting. She holds an MS in Nutrition and Clinical Health Psychology from Bastyr University. Mindy is a Licensed Counselor and Nutritionist and is known for her warm therapeutic style and culturally-inclusive lens in healing. She is a member of the Multicultural Counselors of Washington State and the Association for Size Diversity and Health.

  

  Mindy Lu, LMHC, CN

  Certified Nutritionist & Licensed Counselor

  Expert Answer

  While you shouldn't force someone to eat, you can ask them how you can best support them. For example, you could invite them over for dinner or just sit with them while they eat.

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Tips

• Sometimes sharing meals can make eating less stressful. Offer to have your friend over for dinner if it will help them.
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• Eating disorders are common, and may take a variety of forms, such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge-eating disorder.
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