The Best Questions About Sex to Ask Your Partner

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How to ask your partner about sex, and what to ask them

Co-authored by Danielle Bezalel and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: August 21, 2025 Fact Checked

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• Turn-On Questions
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• Dirty Questions
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• Deep Questions
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• Important Questions
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• Fun Questions
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• Talking About Sex

|Show more |Show less

Whether you want to get dirty and flirty with your partner, find out what they’re into, or have a serious talk about sexual health and experiences, a well-placed question is the best place to start. We talked to sex educator Danielle Bezalel, dating coach Imad Jbara, and sexual advisor Jacqueline Hellyer to bring you all the best flirty, dirty, deep, important, and fun sexual questions to ask your partner, as well as tips for how to ask them.

What to Ask Your Partner About Sex

Sex educator Danielle Bezalel says if you're with a new partner, first ask if they're ready to talk about sex. If so, ask things like what they like in the bedroom or what they're looking for in a partner. During sex, ask about what they like or don't like. Try questions like:

• "What's a fantasy you've always wanted to explore?"
• "What's your favorite place to be touched?"
• "What are your biggest turn-ons?"
• "Is there anything that's off-limits for you during sex?"

Steps

Section 1 of 6:

Questions to Turn Them On

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1. 
   When you want to turn up the heat and move things to the bedroom, using a sexual question is a great choice. They help steer the conversation into steamier waters and help you get where you’re trying to go, making things more flirty and spicy. Jbara recommends “making it a game, it becomes fun, but at the same time it's flirting and now you're building sexual tension.” Use these questions to start that fun:

   • Can I kiss you?
   • Are you flirting with me?
   • What’s you’re favorite position?
   • When’s the soonest you can be in my bed? I need you ASAP.
   • Are you sensitive anywhere? Want to find out?
   • What would you do to me right now, if there were no limits?
   • Can I send you a steamy photo?
   • What was the best sex you’ve ever had?
   • Do you have any fantasies?
   • Do you have any kinks?
   • Do you like to take the lead? Or do you like to follow the lead?
   • Do you like foreplay, or do you prefer to get down to business?
   • What kind of foreplay do you like?
   • How do you feel about sexting? Or have you ever sexted someone?
   • Have you ever had phone sex?
   • Have you ever had a threesome?
   • Have you ever hooked up with someone from the internet?
   • Where would you want to do it, in this room?
   • Do you like roleplay?
   • What’s your instant turn-on?
   • Do you want to know what I find sexy about you?
   • If we were alone together right now, what would you do?
   • Do you like what I’m wearing? Want to see me take it off?
   • What’s your biggest turn-on?
   • Can I give you a massage?
   • Are you ticklish here?
   • Have you ever hooked up in a car? On a plane? A train?
   • Have you ever had shower sex?
   • Have you ever been turned on in public?
   • What time of day is your favorite for sex?
   • Can we try this when I get home?
   • Can you wear that one outfit when I get home?
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Section 2 of 6:

Dirty Sex Questions

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1. 
   When you’re already in the bedroom and having fun, a well-placed question and some dirty talk can up the ante and get both of you more into the moment, as well as inspire some moves. These questions are also great for when you’re just trying to have a steamy conversation. Jbara reminds us to incorporate some teasing, physical contact, and some banter. After all, sex is more fun when you can laugh and enjoy yourselves! Use these questions to turn up the heat:

   • What position do you want to try?
   • I’ve always wanted to try this. Can we give it a go?
   • Can I tie you up? Or can you tie me up?
   • Do you like it gentle? Or rough?
   • Where do you want me to touch you?
   • Do you like it when I do this?
   • Can we do some oral?
   • Do you like to have the lights on? Or off?
   • Want to watch me play by myself for a bit?
   • Can I watch you play by yourself for a bit?
   • What’s your favorite part about my body?
   • Can we use blindfolds?
   • Can we use toys?
   • Can I pull your hair? Can you pull mine?
   • Can you slap me a little?
   • Can you boss me around? Can I boss you around?
   • Does that feel good?
   • Can I try to make you come without my hands?
   • Can you try to make me come without your hands?
   • Can I call you [petname]?
   • Do you like to be called that?
   • Can we film this so we can watch it later?
   • Can I be on top?
   • Can I be on bottom?
   • Can I watch you do it with someone else?
   • Can we start by watching some porn together?
   • Can we roleplay?
   • Do you like it when I say that?

Section 3 of 6:

Deep Questions to Bond With

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1. 
   Sex isn’t just about having fun. It can also be a powerful way to grow closer to your partner. By swapping your experiences and exploring what you both enjoy, what you’ve tried before, and what’s important to you, you can get to know your partner better while making sex better, too. “The only way something can be right and work for you is if you're…in touch with what you're feeling and communicating with your partner,” Hellyer says. These questions are great for exactly that:

   • How can I make you more comfortable?
   • What does sex mean to you?
   • Why do you have sex? For fun? For bonding?
   • How can I make you feel more desired?
   • What do you like most about when we have sex?
   • What’s something about our sex that could get better?
   • Would you ever want to have sex with someone other than me?
   • Should we open our relationship?
   • Have you ever regretted a hookup? Why?
   • Have you ever felt ashamed about sex?
   • What’s the best part of sex for you?
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Section 4 of 6:

Important Sex Questions

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1. 
   Sex is most enjoyable when it’s safe, and when you both feel comfortable, and when you’re both on the same page. It’s about “the why, and the how, which is actually what makes sex good,” Hellyer reminds us. When you’re both on the same page about your sexual health and intentions, you’re having the most fun. That’s what these questions are for:

   • Are you comfortable talking about sex?
   • Is anything off limits for you?
   • Does anything ever instantly kill the mood for you?
   • Can we have a safe word?
   • When was the last time you were tested for STDs?
   • Do you want to go get tested with me?
   • Do you have protection? Or can we use protection?
   • Are you on the pill?
   • Where did you learn about sex?
   • Is there anything you’d like to know more about when it comes to sex?
   • Can I tell you what I’m not comfortable with?
   • What’s your biggest turn-off?
   • Have you had negative sexual experiences I should know about?
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Jacqueline Hellyer

   Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

   Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.

   

   Jacqueline Hellyer
   Licensed Psychosexual Therapist

   Sex is the one area in life where we have no information or training in our society. We get no sex education, or if we're lucky we get a little bit of reproduction education. So everyone struggles right? Talking about sex is actually pretty rare in our society.

Section 5 of 6:

Fun & Lighthearted Sex Questions

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1. 
   Talking about sex can be a great way to build chemistry with someone. Even if you’re not looking to have sex right now, or even ever, asking somebody questions about sex and their sexual history and fantasies can help you learn more about one another. That rapport is “what we build off of,” Jbara says. Sex is a fact of life for so many people; why not talk about it the same way we talk about the weather or sports? If you’re comfortable, you could learn a lot about, and from, someone.

   • What was the worst sex you’ve ever had?
   • What’s your take on porn?
   • Do you have a favorite porn star?
   • What was your first time like?
   • How many times have you had sex?
   • How many partners have you had?
   • Have you ever had a one-night stand?
   • Would you ever have anonymous sex with a stranger?
   • Have you ever faked an orgasm?
   • Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?
   • Has someone ever caught you having sex?
   • Have you ever accidentally walked in on your parents?
   • Have you ever visited a sex shop?
   • What’s your corniest pickup line?
   • What’s the worst pickup line that’s worked on you?
   • Have you ever been skinny dipping?
   • Can we play Never Have I Ever?
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Section 6 of 6:

Talking About Sex

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1. 
   1
   Be aware of other people’s comfort level and boundaries. A lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about sex, even while they’re having it. No matter your opinions, when someone sets a boundary, respect it. If you start talking about sex and someone changes the subject, honor that and play along. Otherwise, it could be viewed as harassment. Consent and communication are key to a good sexual experience.

   • If you’re struggling to talk to your partner about sex, consider visiting a therapist or counselor who can encourage and mediate those conversations.
   • Avoid asking these questions on a first date, unless your date brings up the topic.
2. 2
   Enforce your own boundaries. Your own comfort is critical, too! If the conversation turns sexual and broaches subjects you’d rather avoid, speak up and say so. You’re actually doing the other person a favor: they don’t have to worry about offending or hurting you if they know what’s off limits, and what’s fair game.

   • Say, “I’d love to keep talking about sex, but let’s avoid conversations about assault. It brings up bad memories,” or, “Let’s have this conversation later or somewhere else, where we can speak freely without someone hearing us.”
   • Of course, be prepared to answer any questions you ask yourself. That’s just fair!
3. 3
   Be sure of your own intentions. “A lot of people,” Jbara reminds us, “they don't set the specific intention immediately.” When you talk to someone about sex, make sure you know what you’re getting into and why. What’s the purpose of this conversation? Do I want to have sex with them? Am I trying to educate myself? If you don’t establish your intention in your own head, things can go off the rails pretty quickly.
4. 
   4
   Remember that sex is normal and natural. Sex is a fact of life. People are having it every day! When you ask questions about sex and talk about the bedroom, remember that it’s not juvenile or immature, it’s just good communication. There’s no need to be ashamed. And if a partner does make you feel embarrassed for talking about it, then that’s something you might want to work on in your relationship.
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