What Does It Mean if Someone Feels Secret Animosity Toward You?

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Learn to spot signs of secret dislike

Co-authored by Annabelle Reyes Reviewed by Seth Hall

Last Updated: January 15, 2024 Fact Checked

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What is secret animosity?

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Causes

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Signs

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How to Handle It

Do you have a friend or relative who seems supportive on the outside, but something feels off? Who never says anything obviously offensive, but makes backhanded compliments or takes subtle digs at you? If this sounds familiar, you’ve come to the right place! These behaviors can be signs of secret animosity, which occurs when someone hides negative feelings underneath a friendly or polite exterior. Keep reading for everything you need to know about this frustrating behavior, including a definition, reasons behind it, signs to look out for, and how to cope.

Things You Should Know

Secret animosity occurs when somebody acts normal or friendly, but underneath it all, they actually have negative feelings or ill will towards you.
If someone has secret animosity toward you, it may stem from jealousy or unresolved tensions.
Signs of secret animosity include body language changes, coldness, subtle digs, backhanded compliments, copycat behavior, or even intentional sabotage.

Section 1 of 4:

What is secret animosity?

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Secret animosity occurs when someone harbors ill will or dislike for you. They may put on a show of acting like your friend, but subtle body language cues, insensitive comments, or unkind actions hint that their true feelings for you are negative.^{[1]
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Research source} Here are a few examples of what this might look like:
- A coworker who acts outwardly polite but makes subtly offensive comments, such as, “You’re so lucky the boss didn’t ask you to be on this big project. I’m so busy right now!”
- A friend who seems supportive, but then does things to steal your thunder, like throwing a party on the same night as you, or always buying the same clothing as you.

Section 2 of 4:

Why do people develop secret animosity?

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Secret animosity often stems from jealousy. Jealousy is a complicated emotion that many people feel ashamed of, so they keep it hidden.^{[2]
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Research source} When these envious feelings have no outlet, they can fester and turn into secret animosity. This person might act like everything is fine between you to hide their jealousy, but their subtle digs, backhanded compliments, or bad vibes hint at negative feelings underneath it all.
- Jealousy is often a product of insecurity. If a friend or coworker feels threatened by you, feelings of envy and animosity can ensue.^{[3]
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When jealousy isn’t a factor, unsettled arguments are likely the culprit. After a disagreement, you and the other person may have decided to let things lie instead of talking it over, but this often leads to more problems. Over time, tensions fester and brew, turning into hidden resentment and animosity.^{[4]
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Section 3 of 4:

Signs of Secret Animosity

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Closed or tense body language If you think someone might have secret animosity toward you, pay attention to their body language cues. These signs can reveal hidden annoyance or disdain, even when the person isn’t outwardly speaking about these feelings.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source} Some examples to look out for include:
- Lack of direct eye contact
- Avoiding physical closeness (taking a step back from you, standing a bit apart from you, etc)
- Angling their body away from you or not facing you directly
- A grimace that lasts a few seconds before smiling, or having a fake looking smile
- Tensed shoulders or stiffness
- Crossed arms or closed-off posture^{[6]
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A loss of warmth, kindness, or goodwill toward you If someone is saying all the right things and acting like everything's okay, but something feels off or cold about them, secret animosity could be at play. Maybe they’re laughing less at your jokes, their smile looks forced, or their tone of voice has lost its warmth. All of these things could be signs that they’re hiding more complicated feelings toward you.
- Another key example would be a lack of celebration for your successes.
- If they act dismissive or even annoyed when you achieve something, rather than cheering you on, this could be a sign of secret animosity.^{[7]
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Subtle digs or backhanded compliments When someone is hiding animosity toward you, their true feelings may sneak out in the form of insults disguised as compliments.^{[8]
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Research source} This allows them to subtly make digs at you while keeping up their act of friendliness. Here are some examples:
- “Wow, I love that dress! It’s so brave of you to wear something so form-fitting. I wish I was that confident.”
- “Congrats on getting that new job! I know that place was pretty desperately hiring, but you should be proud of yourself anyway.”
- “Good job on getting the top student award from the math department! Everyone knows that Mr. Miller plays favorites, but it’s still an achievement.”
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Copying you or stealing your thunder Copycat behavior is another sign of secret jealousy and animosity. Because this person feels so threatened by you, they end up imitating you to try to gain the success or admiration from others that you have.^{[9]
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Research source} They’re constantly trying to one-up you and turn the spotlight back on themselves.
- For example, a friend who feels threatened by your popularity at school may start dressing or acting very similar to you.
- At the same time, they’ll cut you down with subtle digs or unkind comments.
- This behavior hints at competitiveness, jealousy, and hidden animosity.^{[10]
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Constantly bragging or talking about themselves If someone harbors secret animosity toward you, they may repeatedly steer the conversation back to themselves, instead of acknowledging or affirming anything you’ve said. This behavior is sometimes called conversational narcissism.^{[11]
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Research source} Here are some examples:
- You tell a coworker that your boss praised you for something you did at work. The coworker replies, “Oh, he said that to me too after my big presentation last week. He couldn’t stop talking about how well I did.”
- You tell your friend that your significant other got you a gorgeous necklace for your anniversary. Your friend replies, “Oh, that’s cute! For our anniversary, my boyfriend got me a promise ring with diamonds on it."
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Passive aggressiveness If someone in your life is hiding animosity toward you, this may manifest as passive aggressiveness.^{[12]
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Research source} This a way for them to indirectly express their negative feelings or ill-will toward you without explicitly stating it.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} If you notice any of these passive-aggressive behaviors, secret animosity may be at play:
- Resisting your ideas or suggestions for no good reason
- Agreeing to do a favor for you but then complaining about it the whole time
- Displaying physical signs of annoyance, like eye-rolling, huffing, or sighing, but swearing that nothing’s wrong when asked
- Constantly making subtle comments about feeling underappreciated or neglected by you without ever trying to talk things through^{[14]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  
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When someone has a positive relationship with you, your pain makes them sad. When someone has feelings of secret animosity, on the other hand, your hardships and missteps may bring them joy (though they’ll try to hide it). If you notice that someone seems smug or subtly excited when they learn about your troubles, this is a surefire sign of secret animosity.
The most extreme sign of secret animosity would be intentional sabotage. For example, a coworker might leave you out of the loop on an important project at work to make you look bad in front of your boss. Or, a friend may spread untrue gossip about you to knock you down a few pegs in your social group. Whatever the situation, this type of behavior is a clear sign of hidden animosity and jealousy.

Section 4 of 4:

How to Handle Secret Animosity

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Address it directly. Sometimes a simple, straightforward conversation is all you need to get your relationship back on track.^{[15]
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Research source} If they’re still stewing over an unresolved disagreement, they’ll be able to air out their feelings and maybe get some release. Or, if they’re struggling with feelings of jealousy toward you, this gives them a chance to be vulnerable and open up about it, which can do wonders!
- You might be tempted to wait things out in the hopes that the other person’s hostile feelings will pass, and this does happen sometimes.
- Other times, however, the tensions keep brewing until they bubble over and cause a big argument.
- Because of this, it’s often a good idea to approach them about the issue. Getting everything out in the open can save you both a headache in the long run!
If talking it out directly with this person isn’t an option, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to work through your feelings. It can be hurtful to deal with someone who has secret animosity toward you, and it’s completely normal to need support. Your network can help you process any difficult emotions, and they can also help you figure out how to move forward.^{[16]
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Consider whether this relationship is fruitful or harmful for you. Sometimes secret animosity is a short-lived issue that you and the other person can work through and heal from. Other times, it hints at deeper cracks in the foundation of your relationship. If your friendship has become primarily toxic, moving on may be the best thing for your well-being and mental health.
- If you conclude that the relationship can’t be salvaged, let the other person know how you’re feeling, rather than ghosting.^{[17]
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- Ending a toxic relationship—whether it be with a romantic partner, friend, or coworker—can be incredibly tough.
- Give yourself some grace as you grieve and process the end of the relationship. Lean on supportive members of your network and be kind to yourself!