Expert Q&A for How to Respond when You Find Out Your Girlfriend has Another Boyfriend

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  • Question
    Can I trust my girlfriend after she cheated?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    It depends—ultimately, you have to decide if trust can be rebuilt. After having a deep discussion with your girlfriend, ask her if she's willing to continue your relationship. Rebuilding trust is a really long journey, but honest reflection and counseling can be a big help. Also, testing for STDs and creating open lines of communication can go a long way to rebuilding broken trust.
  • Question
    When should you dump someone for cheating?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    End the relationship if the trust between you both is gone for good. This is an incredibly tough decision to make, so give yourself plenty of time to think before you decide. Getting some space from your partner might help.
  • Question
    How do I separate from my significant other?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    Communication is key to a conflict-free separation. Clearly define how and when you both will separate, and who should get what during a permanent separation or divorce. To help with your own healing, visit a therapist to find closure.
  • Question
    What do you say to a cheating boyfriend?
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
    Expert Answer
    Speak from your feelings. Your cheating partner already knows how much they hurt you, but directly stating how you feel and why you are hurt is the most effective way to approach the conversation. Use plenty of "I" statements, like "When anyone breaks my trust and goes behind my back, I feel devastated, betrayed, isolated, alone, and helpless."
  • Question
    How do I establish clear boundaries for myself and my partner?
    Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
    Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Sexologist, Speaker, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she works with individuals, couples, and families both nationally and internationally. Dr. Elton is an author and the founder of the non-profit “I Care We All Care". She is also the host of Life, Love, Etc., a bi-weekly relationship show reaching over 100,000 viewers per episode. Her clinical work and insights have been featured on PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, and she contributes regularly to Psychology Today through her blog Life, Love, Etc. She received a Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI, a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston, and a BS in Psychology from UMass Boston.
    Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    It's very important to communicate with your partner. Many individuals struggle with defining these boundaries, often grappling with the gray areas. It's common to encounter a situation where you might say, "I won't accept this," but then find yourself justifying the relationship's overall worth despite the breach. Therefore, it's crucial to establish clear boundaries for oneself as many people lack this clarity. Once these boundaries are defined, effective communication with your partner becomes essential. Equally important is determining realistic and feasible consequences if these boundaries are crossed. Setting consequences that can be realistically implemented is key. For instance, if you declare that you will leave if your partner sees someone else, it's crucial to uphold this boundary. Otherwise, the lines blur, leading to potential toxicity in the relationship.
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