How to Prove to Your Boyfriend That You Can Change

Written by John Keegan | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 5, 2024

When you make a mistake that hurts your partner, sometimes just apologizing isn’t enough. Showing that you’re willing and able to change your ways can help prove to your boyfriend that you really are sorry, and you don’t want to hurt him again. Read through this article to get some helpful tips on how you can communicate how sorry you are and how much you want your relationship to work.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

1

Address what the core problem is.

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It’s important to sit down and figure out what the issue in your relationship is. If you think that you need to work on one thing but your boyfriend is actually upset about something else, you won’t be able to change your actions. Have a talk with your boyfriend to flesh out everything that he feels hurt about. Once you do that, you can work on making a change.^{[1]
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- Introduce the topic by saying something like, “Can we sit down and talk about what’s been happening the past few weeks? I just want to make sure we’re on the same page going forward.”

2

Explain why you did what you did.

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Don’t make excuses, but show that you understand your own reasoning. For instance, if you lied to your boyfriend, maybe you were scared of hurting his feelings or making him angry. If you said something that hurt him, maybe you lashed out in anger because you were stressed. This doesn’t mean that it was okay (or right), but it shows that you understand what you did and why it was wrong.^{[2]
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- You might say something like, “Yesterday, I snapped at you because I was overwhelmed with work. It wasn’t okay, but I want you to know why I did it.”
- For bigger things, like infidelity, you might have to spend a bit more time soul-searching. For instance, you might have cheated because you felt neglected, because you have low self-esteem, or because you were trying to hurt your partner.

3

Acknowledge that what you did was hurtful.

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Validate his feelings, and try not to get defensive. It can be easy to lash out in anger when you hear your partner talking about your mistakes. However, when you sit and chat with your boyfriend about what’s been going on, try to keep an open mind. Tell him that it’s okay to feel what he’s been feeling, even if it’s tough to do.^{[3]
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- You could say something like, “I understand why you feel that way. I’d probably feel the same if I were in your shoes.”

4

Take responsibility for your actions.

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Own up to what you did, even if it's hard. This will make your boyfriend feel like you’re really hearing him, and you’re not just saying what you think he wants to hear. When he tells you how he’s feeling, let him know that your actions are your own.^{[4]
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- You might say something like, “I definitely haven’t been making you a priority lately, and that’s not okay.”
- Or, “I’m the one who messed up by ignoring you for a whole day. I shouldn’t have done that.”

5

Apologize sincerely.

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Show your boyfriend that you feel remorse for your actions. If you believe that you have something to apologize for, sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that you’re sorry. This is the first step to proving that you can change, because it shows that you’re acknowledging what you did was wrong.^{[5]
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- Say something like, “I’m really sorry that I haven’t made enough time for you lately. It wasn’t fair of me, and I’m sure it made you feel terrible.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 624 wikiHow readers, and 59% of them agreed that the best way to show your partner that you’re committed to the relationship is to sincerely apologize and take responsibility for your actions. [Take Poll]

6

Be aware of your mistakes going forward.

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Don’t leave it up to your boyfriend to call out your mistakes. As you go about your daily life, keep an eye on yourself, and try not to mess up in the same way that you have before. If you can do that, you’re on the path to bettering yourself, and your boyfriend will probably notice.^{[6]
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- For instance, maybe you’re trying to pay more attention to your boyfriend when he talks. If you catch yourself texting or getting on your phone during a conversation, say something like, “Sorry, that was rude of me. What were you saying?”

7

Tell your boyfriend that your relationship is important.

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He might not know that you care as much as you do. Before you start the process of changing, tell your boyfriend how much he means to you. Let him know that you’re going to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. He might take some convincing, especially if you’ve said something like this before, but it’s always good to remind your partner how much you love them.^{[7]
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John Keegan
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- Try something like, “I want to change to make this relationship work. You mean the world to me, and I don’t want to push you away.”

8

Show your boyfriend that you love him.

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If you’re out at the grocery store, buy him a snack to show him you were thinking about him. If he’s had a bad day, cook him a nice meal so he can eat before he goes to sleep. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, but small gestures can help repair your relationship and bring the spark back.^{[8]
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9

Keep communicating with your boyfriend.

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Check in with him regularly to see how he’s doing. Open communication is important for any successful relationship, but it’s especially important when you’re having issues. Sit down and talk with your boyfriend a lot to see how he’s feeling and if he’s been noticing any improvements.^{[9]
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John Keegan
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- Say things like, “How are we doing today from your perspective?”
- Or, “What could I be doing better?”

10

Give your boyfriend space if he needs it.

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Sometimes people need to take some time for themselves. If your boyfriend is still feeling hurt about something from the past, he might need to distance himself for a little bit. Let him have some space, and don’t pressure him to come back to you before he’s ready.^{[10]
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- If you two live together, one of you could go stay with a friend or family member for a few days before coming back refreshed and ready to talk.

11

Make improvements in your own life.

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You could practice self-care, go to therapy, or do some meditation. Improving yourself looks different for everyone, and you might have to try a few things before you find what works. Overall, it’s important to address the underlying issue that caused the rift between you and your boyfriend in the first place.^{[11]
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- For example, maybe you get overly jealous and it takes a toll on your boyfriend. You might go to therapy to address your jealousy issues to see where they come from.
- Or, if you’re under a lot of stress that causes you to lash out at your boyfriend, you might try doing stress-relieving activities, like meditation or yoga.

12

Try couple’s counseling.

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A mental health professional can help you two talk it out. If you’ve been trying to change and you don’t feel like your relationship is improving, make an appointment with a licensed couple’s counselor. They can offer an unbiased perspective about what’s been going on in your relationship. They can also tell you how to move forward and work on yourself in order to improve the situation.^{[12]
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- Even if you’re in traditional therapy on your own, couple’s counseling can still be helpful.