How to Deal with the Silent Treatment from a Narcissist

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Why someone might give you the silent treatment & how to respond

Co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD and Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: July 12, 2024 Fact Checked

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• What is narcissistic silent treatment?
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• How long does it last?
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• Why does it happen?
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• How to Respond
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• Silent Treatment Impact
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• Expert Interview
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• Warnings

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Are you trying to hold a conversation with someone but getting no answers in return? Then you may be dealing with the silent treatment, a common tactic some people may use to get further under your skin and make themselves feel better. We know that dealing with the silent treatment can feel tough, and we’re here to help you recognize all the ways you can to combat this narcissistic behavior. Keep reading, and we’ll cover why someone with narcissistic tendencies may give you the silent treatment and how to counter it. However, It’s important to remember that anyone can display narcissistic traits or behaviors—this doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily a "narcissist" or have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which only a licensed therapist can diagnose.

Things You Should Know

• Someone who’s giving you the silent treatment may stop talking to you for extended periods of time or only address you when they need something.
• People with narcissistic qualities may use silent treatment as a form of abuse or manipulation in order to avoid blame, maintain control, or punish you.
• If someone in your life gives you the silent treatment, ignore them, do activities that make you happy, and stay connected with your friends and family.

Steps

Section 1 of 5:

What is narcissistic silent treatment?

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1. 
   The silent treatment is when someone stops communicating to manipulate you. It’s common for someone who shows narcissistic behavior to start giving you the silent treatment after a tough conversation or argument, or it may seem like a switch flipped and they went quiet for no apparent reason. They may ignore you, avoid speaking to you unless they want something, or interrupt you when you try to discuss an important topic. Because they’re not listening to what you have to say, they may be using the silent treatment or “stonewalling” as a form of abuse or manipulation so they can get what they want.

   • Some people may also get physically distant when they’re giving you the silent treatment.
   • People who are passive-aggressive or conflict-avoidant may also give the silent treatment. However, this behavior is displayed by those who exhibit narcissistic tendencies, and they may consistently use it as a way to punish or control another person.
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Section 2 of 5:

How long does the silent treatment last?

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1. 
   The silent treatment can last days or weeks. Someone who is using silent treatment as a tool may only stay quiet for a couple of hours to just prove a point. If they really want to feel like they’re in control and make you feel unimportant, then they may continue ignoring you for multiple days or weeks. Whenever the person feels like they don’t have that control over you anymore, then they may start talking again.

Section 3 of 5:

Why will someone with narcissistic qualities use the silent treatment?

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   To avoid responsibility If you’re trying to hold someone accountable for something that went wrong, they may go silent rather than take the blame. They’re worried that you’ll focus on their flaws and shortcomings, so they’ll stay quiet to avoid the problem rather than embracing an uncomfortable truth.

   • Example: If you catch a partner lying about what they did the other night, they’d rather go silent and pretend nothing happened instead of telling you.
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   To punish you If you make a comment that rubs someone the wrong way, they may use the silent treatment on you. They may not even tell you what made them upset in the first place and leave you to guess what happened. One of the main signs of narcissistic personalities is a fragile ego—they don't want to feel like they’re in the wrong. Instead, they may make you feel like you’re the one that caused an issue so you feel bad.

   • Example: If this person feels like you embarrassed them by making a joke, they may ignore you until you apologize.
   • Remember that it’s not your fault for how someone responds to something you’ve said. When anyone gives you the silent treatment, it highlights their insecurities rather than yours.
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   To lower your self-esteem When a self-important person ignores you and doesn’t respond, they’re forcing you to sit with your emotions so you feel like you’re less important or less interesting than you. They know that their silence will make you feel anxious or depressed, especially if there’s an underlying conflict that still needs to be resolved.

   • If you’re feeling anxious or stressed by a friend or family member giving you the silent treatment, take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and slowly exhale to calm down. Try doing yoga or meditating in the meantime to stay relaxed.
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   To feel in control Someone who struggles with traits of narcissism wants to feel like they’re in control of everything in their lives, so they may give you the silent treatment if they feel like you’re pulling away. They’ll play mind games and stay quiet in hopes that you’ll get anxious and give them the exact reaction that they wanted.

   • Example: If this individual feels like they’re losing a heated argument, they’ll go quiet and avoid listening to you so you don’t have any agency in the discussion.
   • Rather than giving in to the silent treatment, avoid giving them the attention they crave and focus on doing things for yourself.
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   To make you lash out People with narcissistic qualities know that the silent treatment makes you upset, so they may keep their lips sealed. They might keep manipulating you until you have an angry outburst so they can play the victim and say you’re the one who’s acting poorly while they were level-headed.

   • Avoid trying to reason someone who’s giving you the silent treatment since they could twist your words against you. It’s best just to let them go about their day and ignore them.
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   To make you codependent A common sign of narcissistic behavior is someone going through a cycle of love bombing where they shower you with compliments or affection before letting their true colors start to show. If they feel like you’re pulling away, they may give you the silent treatment to make you miss all the nice things that they said or done at the start of the relationship and come back to them.

   • Example: If you start opening up and asking a person with narcissistic traits to do the same, they may go silent and ghost you the next time you try reaching out.
   • This may happen if you’re dealing with narcissistic hoovering, which is when someone tries to suck you back into a toxic relationship.
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Section 4 of 5:

Responding to the Silent Treatment

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   Ignore the person instead of reaching out to them. Rather than trying to communicate and being met with silence, ignoring someone who’s acting in a narcissistic way will give them a taste of their own medicine. Avoid reaching out or messaging them so that you can focus on your own needs rather than theirs. If they do reach out to you, try only giving them short, emotionless responses.

   • What happens when you give the silent treatment to someone who likes to be in control? They may start feeling anxious that they’re not in control and that you don’t need them, so they may reach out first to win you back.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 1422 wikiHow readers, and 73% of them agreed that the most effective way to ignore a narcissist is to cut off or limit your contact with them. [Take Poll]
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   Avoid blaming yourself for their response. Someone with narcissistic tendencies may try to make you feel like you’re the one causing an issue, but they’re only trying to make you feel ashamed. Remember that this individual is the only person responsible for how they react and respond, and you don’t need to shoulder the blame.

   • Try not to defend yourself or argue against a manipulative person since they may try to twist your words and use them against you. Instead, take the high road and refuse to engage with them.
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   Focus on activities you’re passionate about. While this person is giving you the silent treatment, dedicate your time to the activities that you care about and love doing. Start exploring the hobbies that you love and getting involved to take your mind off whoever’s giving you the silent treatment. Try to stay productive with as many creative outlets as you can to show that you don’t need them in your life.

   • Exercising, journaling about your feelings, reading your favorite books, or learning a new skill are all great ways to fill your free time and distract you from the silent treatment.
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   Set boundaries for how you want to communicate. As you establish your boundaries, really take a moment to consider what behavior you’ll tolerate and what you will not stand for, like being given the silent treatment. Communicate your boundaries clearly and let the other person know about the consequences they might face for breaking them.

   • Example: If someone stonewalls you, you could say, “I don’t deserve to be given the silent treatment, and I won’t be around you until you’re ready to have a conversation.”
   • Make sure you continue to enforce your boundaries all the time. If a person who tends toward narcissistic thinking sees that you’ll break a boundary once, they may try to keep doing it to wear you down.
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   Stay connected to your friends and family. Rather than isolating yourself while someone is giving you the silent treatment, reach out to your loved ones and let them know what you’re going through. Spend time with them and continue building the connections that matter to you so you don’t feel alone. Your friends and family may even have helpful advice for you if they’ve gone through a similar situation in the past.

   • If you’re really struggling, reach out to a therapist or narcissistic abuse support group in your area so they can help you recognize the issues you’re dealing with and ways to manage them.
   • Remember that anyone can demonstrate narcissistic patterns of behavior, regardless of whether they’ve been diagnosed with NPD or not. Whatever manipulative or demeaning behaviors you’re experiencing, a counselor or therapist can help.
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   Consider ending a relationship if the pattern continues. If you’re repeatedly trying to handle getting the silent treatment from someone in your life, then you may not be able to change their way of thinking. Think about if the person is really meeting your needs and expectations, and end the relationship to prioritize yourself over the other person.

   • You deserve someone who will respect you and have open communication when issues arise, so don’t be afraid to end things with a person focused only on themselves.
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Section 5 of 5:

Impact of Narcissistic Silent Treatment

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1. 
   The silent treatment lowers your self-esteem and makes you feel alone. When someone you care about cuts you off and doesn’t respond, it leaves you alone with all your thoughts and emotions. Because you’re questioning if you did something wrong, you may feel more anxious that their actions are your fault and have more negative criticisms of yourself. Other impacts may include:

   • Feelings of abandonment or betrayal
   • Fear of loss or rejection
   • Less satisfaction in your relationship
   • Distress and unhappiness

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Tips

• It’s normal and healthy to take breaks from conversations if someone isn’t in a good headspace to keep it going. If the person asks politely to discuss an issue later so they have time to calm down and then reconvenes with you at a later time, then it’s a healthy break.
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Warnings

• Keep in mind that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional. People with this personality disorder often work hard to relate to others in a healthy way, and their diagnosis doesn’t automatically mean that they’re abusive or manipulative people.
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• Avoid labeling individuals as narcissists when what you really mean is that someone is manipulating you or acting in a selfish way.
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