Be There for a Girl with Trust Issues: 9 Things to Know About Building Trust

Written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: September 10, 2023

Once someone's had their trust broken, it takes time and effort before they can trust again. You can't rush in and solve everything for her, but you can encourage her on that journey by showing that you're dependable and caring. Relationships can get stronger through difficulties like this, as long as you both recognize the problem and work through it as a team. Good luck!

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

1

Follow through on your commitments.

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Actions are the best way to build trust. There are no magic words that make someone trust you. Instead, you'll need to prove that you're dependable through your actions. If you say you want good communication and honesty in your relationship, take the time to sit down, look her in the eyes, and have those tough conversations.^{[1]
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- This goes for everything, not just relationship conversations. If you agree to go on a trip with her, then take the time to actually plan that trip.

2

Practice active listening.

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Listen without focusing on yourself. Communication is super important in a relationship, but that doesn't just mean you talk a lot. Focus on what the other person is saying, wait a moment to process it, and then reply. It's easy to think mainly about your own thoughts and feelings. If you want her to trust you, slow down and actively listen to show that you're worth opening up to.^{[2]
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- Try repeating what you just heard, for instance: "I'm hearing that you're upset because I was late to our date. Is that right?" This validates the other person's concerns and makes it easy to clear up any misunderstandings.

3

Ask what the other person needs.

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People need different kinds of support. If she's going through a tough time, does she want someone to vent to? Someone to help find a solution? Someone to sit quietly with? Or does she just want to be left alone for a while? The best way to show that you're dependable is to ask how you can help, respect the answer, and provide the kind of help that she's looking for.^{[3]
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4

Be honest and vulnerable.

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Show that you trust her with your own problems. In the long run, any healthy relationship relies on the ability to talk about difficult subjects. You can't decide when another person is ready to open up, but you can control your end of the conversation. When you're having a tough time, tell her about your fear or pain. And if a problem shows up in your relationship, don't be afraid to bring it up and try to work on it together.^{[4]
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Relationship Coach

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- Still in the "casual fun" stage of dating? If you're ready for a deeper emotional connection, then at some point you have to make the move—but it's not unreasonable to wait until you're spending time together outside of scheduled dates, and have met each other's friends.

5

Find healthy ways to process disagreements.

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Suggest using timeouts or written conversation. Trust issues can make arguments feel overwhelming, and cause someone to run away or shut the conversation down. If this is a problem, talk to her while you're both calm and ask "What would help you to not feel like you have to run away when we have these arguments?" Brainstorm ideas together, and suggest these if they seem helpful:^{[5]
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- A timeout system: either person can call a timeout to pause the argument and get some space to cool off. That person comes back and starts the conversation again when they're ready.
- If talking feels too overwhelming, stop and exchange thoughts in writing instead.

6

Express your feelings instead of criticizing.

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Use "I" statements to focus on yourself, not her. If you're unhappy with something she did, bring it up by talking about how it made you feel. This focuses on a problem (your negative feelings) that you can both try to solve together. Avoid criticizing her or her actions, since this pits you against each other. Trust comes from cooperation, not fighting.^{[6]
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- For example, say "I feel disappointed that our date didn't go well" instead of "You ruined our date."

7

Be patient.

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Keep being reliable, following through on your promises, and working on good communication, and trust will slowly build up. You can't expect someone to suddenly trust you completely, especially if she's recovering from a betrayal in her past.^{[7]
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8

Understand that it's not your job to fix her.

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Feeling insecure or emotionally withdrawn is an internal problem. You can support her, but you shouldn't see yourself as a hero saving her single-handedly. If she builds her self-esteem and confidence as an independent person, she will also be a healthier relationship partner. In the meantime, make sure you are working to become the best version of yourself that you can be, for your own sake.^{[8]
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9

Commit to a relationship where everyone puts in work.

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Relationships aren't easy. They take work to maintain and to guide through difficult times, and that work can't come from just one person.^{[9]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview} Right now, that means you're making an effort to show that you're trustworthy—but your partner should meet you halfway. If the relationship is going to succeed, she'll at some point need to acknowledge her trust issues, discuss them with you, and work toward a solution.

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Warnings

If you are in a relationship with someone who isn't communicating her feelings, that's an unhealthy dynamic. Since you're reading this, you're already committed to working on the problem, which is great! Stick to that goal, and don't stay in the relationship if the other person is only willing to go through the motions and never properly communicate.^{[10]
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