How to Find the Ideal Mate

Co-authored by Connell Barrett

Last Updated: October 14, 2024 References

For the hopelessly single, finding the ideal mate seems like a daunting, impossible task. However, the truth about finding an ideal mate is actually very simple – it's simply that many people just don't know where to look or how to begin. If you're keen to get out of singledom and into a loving relationship, this article's geared at helping you work out how to get started on your search.

1

Determine what you want in a partner.

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Include their physical traits, interests, hobbies, communication style, religion and beliefs, values, and thoughts on marriage and children. You may want to ask your friends to help you, since they know you best!

2

Turn the list into a profile of your ideal mate.

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Prioritize your top traits and create an outline of your dream partner. This is a skeleton of a person. It shouldn’t be a list of demands, but rather a list of your non-negotiables in a relationship. For example, if you want children, you should search for someone who is family-oriented.
- By looking at the profile, you will see what aspects are important to you that you may not have realized before. For example, suppose you like being outdoors, and exercising, then look for a hiking group - perhaps at a religious group, community group, or a local outdoors club like the Sierra Club.
- Although you don't have to have everything in common with someone, it's a good start to find someone who has some things in common.

3

Learn the top traits people look for in a mate.

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This information can help you craft the perfect dating profile. Since there are numerous studies on what men and women look for in a mate, make use of them so that you can understand what others are looking for. This allows you to emphasize your strengths, beliefs, and activities that your potential mate is looking for. Some of the most popular things men and women look for in one another are:
- Women are looking for (in order): Personality, sense of humor, common interests, intelligence, cleanliness, looks, sexiness, getting to know the man through a friend, voice, spirituality, profession, money, talent, and finally, religion.^{[1]
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- Men are looking for: Personality, sense of humor, intelligence, common interests, looks, cleanliness, sexiness, voice, talent, spirituality, money, religion, getting to know the woman through a friend, and finally, profession.^{[2]
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4

Learn to love yourself.

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Prioritize self-care and build your confidence to attract the ideal mate. This is the hot tip of the century— your ideal mate is going to be the person that loves you as you are and sees that you do too. If you cannot come to terms with this reality, then some confidence-building is in order and the mentality of wanting to fall in line with whatever your date says has to go out the window. Things to bear in mind to help you on your quest for the ideal mate include:
- You're worth it. Yes, you really are. And prove it by walking tall, with your head held high, smiling and feeling confident. That's attractive and it's going to let potential mates see that you're approachable as well as self-confident.
- List all the things that are great about yourself – why you make a great friend, what your top 10 accomplishments are, what you're proud of in life, and why you're a great catch.^{[3]
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- Dress to look good, not to fit the fashion, the label, or worst of all, the size on the tag. Whether you're male or female, good dressing that makes the most of your assets is always attractive and sets you apart from other people.
- Be comfortable with your body. It's much more attractive than constantly sending out signals that you're paranoid about your butt size or your wimpy arms.

5

Start looking for your ideal mate.

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Check out social groups and events to meet people in person. It's very important that you put yourself where you're likely to find your ideal mate instead of hoping that that person is the next one to sit down on the bar stool beside yours. The best places to look for your ideal mate are at places where you enjoy spending time, as it's likely that this first shared interest will get things started. Places to spend time looking for your ideal mate include:
- Singles groups. These could be groups in local churches, dating services, or online. They're the most obvious source because everyone has outwardly declared that they're searching for someone, and while they have their pitfalls, the good thing is that everyone is there for the same purpose. You may find that your perfect mate on the hiking trip is married, or that there are no potential spouses in the auto detailing club, whereas singles groups are guaranteed singleness at least!
- Hobby and sports clubs. You will need to know the relationship status of others in these environs of course but if you're participating in something you're enjoying doing anyway, what's the rush? You've plenty of chances to find out about the other people there and work out who is free and of interest to you, all while pursuing a hobby, sport, or other interest. The fact of the shared interest will likely increase your chances of compatibility.
- The workplace. You'll know very early on in a workplace who is single and who is not. The downside is the continued proximity and the wagging tongues; it can also be harder down the track if you're both in the same workplace, married, and going for the same promotion but that's something to contend with later on. A shared career path can actually be really beneficial for some couples and does mean that you're ideal mates.
- On vacation. This is a great time to find people who are in their relaxed mode. The downside is that they might live and/or work nowhere near you, and they might just be in it for a "holiday fling". Do some question asking before falling for someone on vacation.

6

Don't be too picky up front.

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Be open-minded and give everyone a chance when you’re dating. You're not configuring a laptop--you and your future mate are both looking for (or at least open to) someone to get to know and make happy. Get to know lots of people in various contexts casually, with a view to a few core attributes and broadly compatible personalities.^{[4]
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Research source} Keep an open mind to the little details that you and that special someone can improve or compromise on and not worry about later.
- If you persistently demand a precise combination of attributes up front, you'll probably fail to find it, maybe even drive off someone you would like with your fussiness, and finally, jaded, settle for a relationship not off to a good start for either of you and perhaps awkwardly late for a family.^{[5]
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- In particular, don't worry about the finer points of looks: as with a nice car you've had for a while, you won't notice the details over time but just fondly recognize them overall.

7

Make a good first impression.

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Dress and present yourself well when you start flirting and dating. People do make judgments based on initial appearances and it might be the only chance you get to make a difference. Good grooming, pleasant manners, and making the most of yourself are important aspects of maintaining your attractiveness.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- Use that sense of humor. Both men and women cite this trait as very important and there's good reason for it. Humor is what helps to reduce the whole awkwardness of dating and it also lets both of you know that you're humble and not full of yourself. More to the point, a person with a sense of humor is definitely the preferable choice for a lifelong commitment over a grouch!

8

Don't rush things.

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Give the relationship time and really get to know the other person. When you find someone who seems to fit the profile, take a deep breath and go slowly! Spend a lot of time talking, listening, and seeing different aspects of this person you care about. Of course, you want there to be attraction, but you want to get to know this person as well. And you want to see how you interact in a range of situations, such as at leisure, during stressful periods, being around family, and in professional situations.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}
- Put off intimacy for a while - depending on your religious beliefs and age, this may not be a choice but even if not, delaying intimacy can help reassure you that you're with your ideal mate, rather than experiencing an infatuation. The excitement and attraction in new relationships can override getting to know each other if you give into it too soon. Affection can feel a lot like love initially, so make sure of your heart and mind before you indulge in intimacy.
- Use the dating time to test out your mate's reactions to activities and pastimes that you enjoy. If they get involved in a lot of things that interest you, this is a great sign of possible compatibility. Suggest a range of different things of interest to you, and also do things of interest to your date, and see how their level of enthusiasm (or lack of it) leaves you feeling. Also ask yourself if you really enjoy doing the things they suggest; if you're going to spend the next 40 years going to the same horse shows your date loves but that you can't stand now, you'll need to resolve how to manage that early on! Compromises can be reached but better that they're made before you take any serious plunges into lifelong commitment than ending up arguing about such things once you're married.

9

Communicate your expectations early on.

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The worst thing you could do to yourself is fall in love with someone who hits the road three months later because they're not ready to settle down. You should tell someone you are looking for a relationship after the first few dates (it's a bit desperate to discuss this on the first date!), or as soon as you know you're interested in this person. Don't be in a rush to commit; just make sure you're both on the same page. Let them know that's all you're doing. And bear in mind that you need to use your common sense when sounding out commitment issues; after all, nobody wants to discuss marriage on the second date!^{[9]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview}

10

Be realistic about the other person.

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Reflect on the other person’s behavior to see if you’re compatible. Do some reality checking as you get to know your date better. As the relationship evolves and you're becoming closer, how do you know that this person is "the one"? Love can leave you giddy and can lead you to overlook the "little things" that can actually be rather big things once you try spending your life together. Things to find out before you're ready to declare this person your "ideal mate" include:
- Are they moody or do they hide things from you that you should reasonably expect to know?
- Are there money issues? Financial disparity and financial problems can cause you a lot of heartache, so honesty on this point is a must.
- Do you enjoy spending time together for long periods?
- How does your date act around his/her own family and your family? Are they respectful, disdainful, interested, switched off? Is their responsiveness an issue for you?
- Do they seem to have the same mind as you about having or not having kids, about pursuing a career, about volunteering overseas for five years? All of these things matter!

11

Don't settle for less.

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If you discover this is not the right person for you, don't hang on to them or convince yourself it'll get better or you're being too picky. You know what you want in a mate (you've already listed it above). You'll find it too. And when you do, it will be great! But on the other hand, don't be a perfectionist and demand impossibly high standards of the other person. Try to appreciate quirks but not settle for someone you will not be happy with.

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Tips

Enjoy your single status for a while. Fretting about it won't change it but getting on with loving your life is guaranteed to bring people into your sphere who may prove of interest to you.

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If you're very young and/or religious - before you're intimate, make sure you're both committed to a relationship. Meet their family and let them meet yours. Hang out with them and their friends; invite them to hang out with you and yours. It may sound silly to do all of this before you even think about being intimate, but the way someone behaves in social or familial situations may make you realize this person isn't for you.

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Listen to your friends' opinions about your new love, but don't take all of them to heart. Hear them, consider them, keep the ones that are valuable, and discard the rest. Remember friends are only human. They can make errors in judgment and they can also get jealous. Use your own good judgment and common sense!

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Warnings

In this day and age, you can never be too safe. Do not be afraid to ask your potential mate to get an HIV test or to have a background check. Just be willing to provide the same information. If you're going to ask someone for this information, be careful when you do it. Waiting three months and until you've already built a trusting, loving beginning to a relationship may tell them you don't trust them and end a good thing. Asking too early may make you seem a little crazy. The appropriate time to ask is at the moment when you are sure you want to be more committed to this person than just as a social companion.

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Never try or expect to change somebody into your ideal. It has never worked!

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