How to Deal with a High Maintenance Girlfriend

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: August 29, 2022 References

Do you feel like your girlfriend is a little more high maintenance than you are? Dating someone demanding can leave you feeling stressed or taken advantage of, which isn’t ideal for a healthy relationship. Fortunately, with great communication and compromises, you can make changes in your relationship so you’re both happy.

1

Decide what you can (and can’t) live with.

Download Article

Let some things go if you think you can handle them. Some high maintenance women have little quirks that you can probably live with—for instance, maybe she takes a long time getting ready, or maybe she’s picky about her coffee order. If these are little things that are only mildly annoying, they probably aren’t worth mentioning, and you can just let them go.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- However, if there’s anything that’s been bothering you for a while or you think is a deal breaker in your relationship, you should definitely bring that up.

2

Communicate your concerns with your girlfriend.

Download Article

Bring up what’s bothering you so you don’t end up resenting her. In healthy relationships, couples will bring up problems that they want to fix and work together to find solutions. Your girlfriend won’t know that her behavior is bugging you until you let her know, so sit her down and have a conversation about it.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor

Expert Interview} Pick a time when you’re both calm, and use “I” statements to express your feelings.
- “I love getting you gifts, but sometimes, it would be nice to receive gifts from you, too.”
- “I wanted to ask if we could start splitting the bill when we go out to eat. That way, it takes the burden off of me, and our relationship feels a bit more balanced.”

3

Set clear boundaries for yourself.

Download Article

Boundaries tell your girlfriend what you will and won’t do. If you don’t clearly define your boundaries, your girlfriend might not get that you feel taken advantage of.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor

Expert Interview} Tell your girlfriend explicitly what your boundaries are, and keep bringing them up if she crosses them again.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- “I know you like hanging out with me, but I need my alone time sometimes, too. It’s not that I don’t like spending time with you, it’s just that I need to rest and recharge.”
- “If you’re upset with me, I need you to tell me why. I’m not going to keep texting and calling you if you give me the silent treatment.”

4

Challenge her expectations of you.

Download Article

If you think something is unrealistic, talk to her about it. Sometimes, high-maintenance people will expect a lot out of you, and it’s not up to you to meet those goals if you’re unable to. If your girlfriend tells you that she wants you to do something or become something that you just can’t, tell her that.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- “I know you want to buy a house in the next couple of years, but with our budget right now, that’s not going to happen. We either need to re-evaluate our budget or think about renting for a while longer.”
- “I’m not always going to know what you need whenever you’re upset. I need you to tell me when you’re feeling down, and then tell me what you need.”

5

Make your own needs a priority.

Download Article

Put yourself first sometimes so you don’t fall on the backburner. When your partner is a little more high maintenance than you are, it can be easy to forget about your own needs. Be sure to make time for your own friends and hobbies rather than focusing all your attention on your partner.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Not sure how to make yourself a priority? Think about what makes you happy, then try to do those things as often as you can.
- Practicing self care is also a great way to put yourself first.

6

Set goals together.

Download Article

Work together to set realistic goals that you’re both happy with. A demanding partner might have a list of ideal goals that they want to accomplish, but they might not line up with your own goals. Sit down with your girlfriend and talk about how you could work together to achieve realistic goals that are good for the both of you.^{[7]
X
Research source} Your goals might look like:
- Save $100 each paycheck
- Buy a house in the next 5 years
- Get a new car in the next 10 years

7

Practice gratitude together.

Download Article

Be thankful for things now to avoid regret later. When you’re dating someone who’s a little high maintenance, they might always keep you thinking about the future or your next steps. You can remind them to be happy right now by living in the moment and practicing gratitude. Every day, talk about at least one thing you’re thankful for, and have your girlfriend do the same.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source

Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public

Go to source}
- You could also keep a gratitude journal to write down the things that you’re thankful for.

8

Talk to a close friend about her expectations.

Download Article

Get some outside perspective to see if they’re realistic or not. Dating someone who has a lot of expectations for you can be confusing, and you might not know if she’s being fair or not. You can talk to a close friend about what your girlfriend wants to see if it’s normal or if you need to rein in her demands so that they’re fair.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Keep in mind that being “high maintenance” might just mean that your girlfriend knows what she wants (and when she wants it).
- Historically, the term high maintenance has been used to belittle women and make them feel bad for prioritizing their own needs in a relationship.

9

Consult with a couple’s counselor if you need to.

Download Article

A professional can help you work through your differences as a couple. If you and your girlfriend can’t settle your differences, a mental health professional can help. In couple’s counseling, you can talk about your girlfriend’s expectations for you and why you feel that they’re unrealistic. Then, your girlfriend can talk about her own needs and why she feels like they’re doable.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- A couple’s counselor will help you reach a compromise that you’re both happy with.