How to Deal with Secret Enemies

Co-authored by Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT and Emily Liu

Last Updated: April 9, 2025 References

Have you been dealing with a secret enemy and don’t know what to do anymore? Are you tired of all the stress and anger that your secret enemy has caused you? Don’t waste any more of your time and energy: with the help of the tips we’ve compiled, you’ll soon be able to handle the situation with as little ruckus as possible, and put your secret enemy out of your mind once and for all.

1

Act more confident around them.

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Show that you’re not bothered by your enemy by upping your confidence. If you really want to make sure your enemy knows they’re not getting to you, you can emphasize how great you’re doing or how you’re thriving in life⁠. You can do this by paying attention to both your body language, and what you actually say to them. The more you practice acting confident, the easier it will become.^{[1]
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- For example, make eye contact with them and smile, or speak slower and fidget less.
- Dress in clothes that make you feel confident if you know you’re going to be around them.
- You can also mention your achievements in common conversations or any fun things you’ve been up to lately.

2

Kill them with kindness.

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Treat your secret enemy with politeness and courtesy. Even though they might not deserve this, you are gaining the upper hand by being civil and kind⁠ because you are showing that you won’t stoop to their level of behavior (and you should be proud of yourself for this!).^{[2]
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Expert Source

Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview} This might cause you to gain your enemy’s respect⁠—as a result, they might feel sorry or guilty about their actions, stop attacking you, or even apologize.^{[3]
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- For example, laugh at their jokes and thank them for their compliments, or offer to help them out.

3

Avoid them.

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Don’t give your enemy a chance to bother you. By staying out of their way and making sure you’re never around each other, you’ll naturally be exposed to less of their behavior. It’s not that you’re running away from them, or not wanting to deal with the problem⁠—you’re actually handling the situation maturely by keeping your distance and not letting it escalate any further.^{[4]
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- For example, if your secret enemy is a coworker who tends to target you during your lunch break, go somewhere else to eat or don’t sit near them.

4

Ignore their behavior.

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It doesn’t feel great to understand that not everyone is going to like you (and that sometimes there may seem to be no good reason for it⁠)—but you can disentangle yourself from your secret enemy sooner by accepting this and taking their actions in stride.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview} Rather than feel resentment, pick your battles and consider whether it’s worth your time to confront your enemy or be bothered by them. If you decide that it’s not, then you can take the next step by just treating them normally.^{[6]
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5

Hide your hurt or annoyance.

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Fake it till you make it. Even if you can’t help feeling hurt because of your enemy’s actions, you can still try to deal with them by letting it show as little as possible. It’s totally understandable if you find it impossible to truly ignore or act normal around them⁠—but the less bothered you seem to be, the less power they will hold over you.^{[7]
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- For example, talk to them as normally as you can in conversations, and continue hanging out with friends and enjoying your usual hobbies.

6

Forgive them.

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Once you’ve done so, you’ll be able to move on with your life in peace. You don’t have to bring anything up or confront them, but you’re rising above their behavior by being the one who’s willing to let their behavior go.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview} This definitely isn’t the easiest thing to do, but ultimately, you’ll be the one who’s better off because you’ve freed yourself from the situation.^{[9]
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7

Reframe the situation positively.

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If you can shift your mindset about your enemy’s behavior, it won’t bother you as much. Though this can be really challenging to pull off, try assessing how you can think about your enemy and their actions in a better light: could this experience be something to grow from? If you can do this, you won’t have to worry as much about constantly dealing with or confronting them.^{[10]
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- For example, you might realize that the situation is a good way to learn how to get along with different personalities.

8

Try to see from their perspective.

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Be open to trying to understand your enemy’s motivations. As unappealing or hard as this might sound, it may help you deal with your enemy if you take some time to figure out what’s happening on their end, or what their story is.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview} By doing so, you may gain more compassion for them and realize that there’s a way to resolve the conflict⁠—or if not that, at least realize that there’s a reason they’re acting negatively towards you.^{[12]
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- For example, you might discover that their target is your ideas, rather than you as a person.
- Or, perhaps you may learn that they have a lot of personal issues going on at home, and are taking out their stress on you.

9

Talk it out with them.

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If you’re comfortable, consider having a conversation with your secret enemy. This doesn’t mean you should aggressively or angrily confront them⁠. Instead, you could schedule a meeting with them to ask openly but civilly about what’s going on in order to clear the air⁠—especially if you’re not actually sure why they dislike you, but the situation keeps getting worse or won’t resolve.^{[13]
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- If you decide to bring it up, try to go in prepared⁠—know the specific points you want to bring up.
- Try your best not to attack them, as this might escalate the situation and worsen their behavior.

10

Get support from friends.

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If you’re feeling really isolated and stressed, reach out for support. Your friends don’t necessarily have to get involved on your behalf, especially if you want to keep the problem lowkey⁠—but they can still be there for you to confide in, and to help you feel less alone. Above all, you should make sure you feel safe while you are dealing with the situation.^{[14]
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- Even reaching out to one friend can be a big help.

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Tips

While your frustration and anxiety are understandable, try to avoid taunting or antagonizing your secret enemy back if you can. This may make them even angrier and give them more leverage to use against you.

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