Katie Stolp

To develop leadership skills, start by leading yourself. Define your values and learn how to have your own back in your decisions and show up consistently even when it’s hard. To me, the two biggest drivers of success that I see are learning how to feel and learning how to fail.

Everything we want most is on the other side of a feeling we don’t want to feel. If you don’t learn how to feel the discomfort that comes from speaking your mind, taking risks, even disappointing people sometimes, you’re going to end up people-pleasing and hiding and just living a smaller life. If you consider that the worst thing that can happen is a feeling, and you know how to process and move through it and not immediately react, you’ll be unstoppable. I believe the truth is that there’s no emotion that you can’t handle.

Leaders also usually have a high failure tolerance. You build up your tolerance for failing by changing what you make failure mean. It does not mean that you are inherently flawed or that you’re a failure. It just means you failed at something. How human of you, right? Failure is not a bad thing. We’ve just been conditioned to believe it is. We’ve learned that you succeed by getting the A+. But we actually succeed by failing. Success is built on a big pile of failures. It’s how we learn and grow, and those lessons stick.

I would really love it if we took pride in our failures as much as our successes. Failure is just feedback. It means you’re brave for trying, that you’re figuring it out. You’re on the right track, not the wrong track. I have this quote here that I love from Thomas Edison, and he says, “I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” So just keep going.

There’s also a story I really like about the household cleaner Formula 409. It’s called that because it took 408 attempts to make it. So you could look at that as 408 failures or 408 attempts to create a multi-million dollar business. So, failure is just feedback. Keep going. You’re heading in the right direction. I think leadership and success really have to do with getting good at feeling and failing.

This is just an idea, but try turning your tasks into little rituals. Before starting your task, take three deep breaths, light a candle, or put on focus music. This signals to your brain that this time matters. When the task is done, close the ritual. Blow out the candle, stop the music, stop your timer. These simple start and stop cues help you stay focused, present, and turn self-discipline into something a bit more meaningful instead of a chore.

Adulting means taking responsibility for every feeling you have. When you do, you take control of your entire experience of being alive. All of your emotions are generated within you. When you know you can handle any emotion, you are at your most powerful place as a human.

I always say, the worst thing that can happen to you is a feeling, or the worst thing that most of us will ever have to face is a feeling. And what if there truly is no emotion you can’t handle? You would be unstoppable. So when you really take responsibility for how you feel, you shift away from blame and shame and start taking the reins of your life.

Motivation comes and goes. Learning to trust yourself is the real secret. Start by making a list of what you want to accomplish this week and putting each task on your calendar. Then, when the time comes to start that task, expect resistance from your brain. It’s going to come up with every excuse not to do the task. Let your brain throw its tantrum. Your only job is to focus on the next small step.

Like, open your laptop, lace up your shoes, or get in the car. Your brain might be screaming "NO" the entire time. That’s okay and very normal. Keep moving forward and focusing on just the next small step. After you complete the task, take a minute to celebrate and allow yourself to feel proud. This tells your brain, “I like this, let’s do it again.” The more you keep even the smallest of promises to yourself, the more you build self-trust that will last longer than any burst of motivation.

A delusional mindset can help if it gives you permission to believe in your own possibilities before you have evidence. Most of us walk around with self-doubt that feels like reality, but it’s just another story we tell ourselves. So it can be very helpful to doubt your doubt.

The key is to think in a way that builds confidence and helps you take action without beating yourself up when things don’t happen overnight. Remember, there’s no thought police who are going around and deciding what’s realistic and what’s delusional. So if a belief helps you grow, try it on. If it holds you back, let it go.